Fading, Like the Stars

The night was already well on its way, the sky had gone completely dark, and so had every lights in the circus, leaving only the stars and the small crescent of the moon to illuminate the night. But I wasn’t ready to go to sleep yet, and judging by his silent presence near the dying fire, Rufus wasn’t either. None of us spoke for a moment, until Rufus eventually broke the silence.

“I hope…” he began to say, “I hope that you’re not too taken aback by everything around here. All these people always running around, it’s not always easy. I know it takes a little time to adjust.”

I turned my head, and tried to look at his face, but it was too dark and I could not see his expression at that moment.

“Uh, no, it’s all fine,” I said, taking the time to choose my words carefully. “Everyone is very lovely, and… and accepting. I’ve never really known something like that.”

“Never?”

I hesitated, biting my lips, and regretting that I couldn’t see his face in the dark. I looked at the remains of the fire, the few sparks that still subsisted, with their twinkling orange little lights. The wind started to blow, cold, and I shivered involuntarily.

“Not in a long time,” I eventually answered, looking at Rufus in the hope of catching a glimpse of his face to see what he was thinking. “I’ve been… moving here and there for a while. I’ve just… been away from everything. That’s why I’m saying this. Didn’t have the chance to meet many people…”

“Oh. Right.”

“Yes…”

There was a short silence between us, and I vaguely wondered what to do. I glanced around, not sure if I had to stay here or if it was better to go back to the caravan. I wasn’t tired. It would have been impossible to be tired after having spent the entire day sitting in a caravan. I wasn’t tired, but it was starting to get a little cold out there, and I wouldn’t have minded to be away from the crisp breeze. Rufus, however, seemed to have no intention of moving for the moment, and I wondered if it wouldn’t be just plain rude to leave him alone like that. I don’t think he would have bothered, but something inside of me was telling me that maybe he needed a little company. So I quietly moved closer to the remains of the fire, and stayed there.

“How did it happen?” Rufus asked after a moment.

“What?”

“You… moving here and there… what happened? If you don’t mind my asking…”

“Oh,” I whispered, “oh…” I closed my eyes for an instant, trying to decide what answer I could give. Again, I shivered, but this time it had nothing to do with the cold wind outside. “What happened,” I repeated slowly, opening my eyes and lifting my head to gaze at the stars. I wished I didn’t have to answer that. Of course, I knew I didn’t have to, but somehow it felt like I still had to say something. “I… My mother died, and then I lost my home,” I whispered, still looking at the sky. “After that, I didn’t really have anything left... nothing to...” I sighed, and looked down at my lap, at my hands, with my fingers digging in my thigh as I tried to repress the painful memories. “I just had to leave… couldn’t stay… and…” And I didn’t know what more to say, so after a moment, I just closed my mouth. This was not the entire truth, but it wasn’t a complete lie either. And it felt weird to talk about this. This was all that I could tell him for the moment. I didn’t want to remember more.

“I’m sorry,” Rufus said softly, placing his hand on mine with that ease that I didn’t think I’d ever have, keeping it there and stopping me from digging my fingers into my thigh. “I didn’t mean to bring back bad memories.”

I blinked once, then twice. I didn’t want to cry, but there was a stinging in my eyes, and I quickly looked away, hiding my face from him.

“T’s alright,” I mumbled, “was a long time ago anyway…”

“How long ago?” Rufus asked very, very quietly. I could hear from his voice that he was slightly curious about this, slightly curious about me, about the girl he’d found in a random town, running away from soldiers. It was normal. Yes, it was normal that he was curious. Who wouldn’t be? But I could also tell that he had hesitated before asking, that he didn’t mean to be rude in any way, that he didn’t want to sound annoying. I just knew that.

“Years,” I whispered. “Many, many years.”

“And you never…”

Settled down? Stopped? Found a place where I could stay? Found someone that I could trust?

“Never what?” I mumbled, when he didn’t finish his sentence.

“Never returned? To where you came from…”

I shook my head. No, I never returned. Returning would have been stupid. And incredibly dangerous too. Returning would have been the worst mistake of my life, and also possibly the last. And I’d never even wanted to return. Because there was nothing left there for me. It was as simple as that. I had no reason to return.

“Never,” I said quietly.

Rufus turned his head towards me, to shoot me a comforting smile, I presume, although I could hardly see his features in the dark. “Me neither,” he murmured after a moment.

“You haven’t always lived here?” I asked, unable to hide the surprise in my voice. It was ridiculous to be surprised, I realized it immediately. Rufus didn’t seem to have many friends in the circus, he seemed to stand out a little in the middle of all these people, and I should have been able to guess that he hadn’t always lived in here.

Rufus softly shook her head.

“No,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, so soft that I had to move closer to hear him. “Of course not.” He shook his head again, and stared at something in the distance.

I waited in silence to see if he was going to talk about it, or if he was going to stop there. Maybe he didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe he was like me and preferred to leave the past where it was. But after a moment, Rufus spoke again.

“My parents had a farm, in a village near the town of Caen… when I was young.” His voice was still barely audible, and I had to strain my ears to hear him clearly. I didn’t dare to move even closer, for fear that he would think that I was too curious.

“And?” I whispered, encouraging him to say more.

“It was a hard life, but everything was so simple. When we were kids, my brother and I would spend all of our time out in the fields, and …” he paused and sighed. “But then the Government bought the farm, and all of a sudden there were people that came in everyday to work, and then they burned the forest to have more land for the crops, and more people came in to work, along with soldiers to watch what they were doing, and everything was different…”

Rufus stopped talking, almost as if he thought he’d already said too much. But I was curious now. I wanted to know more. I thought about all the lives that had been ruined, too, mine, and Rufus’, and all that because of the Authorities, all because … well, I wasn’t sure why they did this… for the economy? To give people an occupation? To distract them from the real problems? I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. And, honestly, I still didn’t care much. But what I did care about was Rufus. Strangely, I wanted to know more about him, to know who he was exactly, what he had gone through.

“How did you end here?” I asked quietly. I wanted to do or say something more, something that would be comforting, but I was afraid that it was going to seem too awkward. It would certainly have been awkward.

Again, Rufus seemed to hesitate, but not for long.

“I ran away. When I was fifteen. Just couldn’t take it any longer,” he mumbled. “The circus was passing through our village… although it wasn’t really a circus back then…” he added pensively. “Just Félix and Merry, along with two or three other people, but they have left us now. I asked if I could leave with them. They said yes.”

“And you’ve travelled with the circus ever since?”

“Never left them.”

“And your family?”

Rufus shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know what happened to them,” he mumbled. He sounded a little awkward, perhaps he even was a little ashamed with himself, and I couldn’t help wanting to make him feel better, tell him that it didn’t matter what had happened in his youth, that none of this mattered. But of course I didn’t do that. I didn’t know how I could have made that sound casual.

“So you were one of the first persons to join the circus…” I just said.

“Yeah,” Rufus still sounded a little embarrassed, and I wondered why. “Ages ago, that was.” He grumbled. “Can barely remember what life was like before.”

“Same for me,” I mumbled. “Only that…”

Only that I didn’t have people around me like he did. Only that I didn’t have a woman like Merry to take care of me. Only that I didn’t have friends like Émilie or Daniel to talk to.

“What?”

I sighed. “No, nothing…”

“Is there something wrong?” Rufus insisted.

There was something pressing in his voice, the hint of a worry, and it made me smile inwardly. He had saved me once already, and because of that perhaps, he now seemed very concerned about my well-being. And I liked that, somehow. Even though I knew it wouldn’t last. But I liked that. It was nice to have someone who not only knew that I existed, but also cared about how I was feeling. I’d almost forgotten how that felt.

“No, it was nothing. Just old memories. But everything’s fine, you don’t have to worry about me…” I replied with a smile. Smiling was something that I found myself doing quite often ever since I had joined the circus. It was only two days that I’d been here, but it felt like a different life. “I can’t believe it was only two days ago that we met,” I said after a moment. “I feel like I’ve been here forever.”

“Yes, it does that to many people…” Rufus mused, and I wondered how many people exactly had joined the circus for what they thought would be a short space of time, through the years, and how many of them had ended up staying there. I wondered where they came from, and what their stories were. What had they abandoned to be here, had they left their family behind, like Rufus, or were they running away from something, like me? Did they have things to hide, secrets that they kept from anyone else in the circus? Or were they all innocent hoping that they had found a better life?

There were many questions rushing through my head, but it didn’t make me feel anxious or worried. Not at all. For the first time, I wanted to stay and learn to know people, and I wanted people to learn to know me.

That was the first time I considered staying in the circus. Wouldn’t it be nice, to live like this for the rest of my life? To have people around me who genuinely cared, to travel through the countries in Rufus’ old green caravan and to spend the evenings gathered around the fire, listening to the many stories that Émilie and Daniel had to tell? I could see myself here. There would always be something to do, someone to help. Maybe Merry could teach me how to take care of them, how to heal the wounds. I’d have the time to learn more about the people I travelled with… and about Rufus…

But what would happen if we ran into a patrol? What would happen if we came across soldiers and one of the recognized me from the description that had surely been made? And even if no one ever knew about my past or recognized me or anything… there were still the books… If the soldiers did a search and found them…it would all be lost. They’d arrest me, and they’d arrest everyone else.

If I wanted to stay here, I had to get rid of those books.

But they were all that I had left from my mother, all that I had left from home.

And if I got rid of them, if I threw them away or burnt them to assure my own safety, then I was playing the Authorities’ game. I was doing exactly what they were wanting us to do. And it wouldn’t be fair to my mother, who had died because she’d tried to save those books.

“Aimée?”

Rufus’ voice forced me out of my thoughts and back into the real world. I blinked and stared at him for a moment.

“Yes?” I eventually asked.

“You looked worried…” Rufus said, watching me carefully.

I shook my head. “No, no. I’m fine. Perhaps a little tired, that’s all.”

Rufus seemed a little embarrassed. “My fault,” he grumbled. “Sorry for keeping you out so long…”

“Not your fault at all,” I protested. “I really liked this… us… talking. I’ve missed being able to just talk to people and not worry… I know I’ve thanked you already, but what you did…”

“Had you been in my place, you’d have done the same,” Rufus replied quickly, not letting me finish my sentence.

I grew quiet and silent, thinking. Would I really have done the same? I didn’t know. I honestly wasn’t so sure of it. If I had just been walking in the street, and it had been Rufus who was running from soldiers to save his life, would I have come to his help like he had come to mine? Now I would. I was sure of it, though I didn’t understand the reasons very clearly. Now that I knew him a little, I would be ready to do anything that could help Rufus. I don’t know what it was about him… but I already felt loyal to him.

But a few days ago… if I didn’t know him... If he was just another face in the crowd, just another stranger, what would I have done? Would I have risked my own life to save his? Probably not. If I had seen him running in the streets, I would have done what all the others did. I would have thought about protecting my life, rather than his. A face flashed before my eyes. That of the woman that the Authorities had embarked in their van, just before my eyes, only a few days ago. I had almost completely forgotten about that incident, almost completely forgotten about her. I hadn’t helped her. I hadn’t done anything. I’d just stood there and watched and done nothing.

A bitter taste came in my mouth as I realized that I was exactly like all these other people. They weren’t helping me, but I wasn’t helping anyone either. I was even worse than them. Because most of them weren’t even aware of what was going on. I was. I knew that the society I lived in was seriously fucked up, and yet did nothing. Because I was scared and selfish and that my own life mattered more than everything else. And even though I realized it, it wasn’t changing anything. The choices that I had made, I would make them again, a thousand times. If I found myself in the same situations again, I would still choose myself above others.

I had had no problems with that before. I had thought that this egoistical behavior was the norm. That this was what everyone would do. But it wasn’t. Rufus and Merry and Émilie and Daniel were different. They were not selfish like that. And I was the one that stood out here, the one that would save myself rather than save another human life, just because I was selfish and wanted to live and didn’t care about the world.

Rufus placed a soft hand on my shoulder. “I don’t know what’s troubling you,” he said with that smooth voice of his, “but you should not think about it too much. There’s nothing you can change to what is done, and what will be isn’t here yet. Whatever is bothering you, you can’t do anything about it now. Those are worries for later, like my father always used to say. And you were right, it’s getting late and we should both get to sleep. Come.”

He stood up, and offered me a hand to help me get up. I looked up at him, thankful. Rufus did not speak much, but every time he did so, his words comforted me, made me feel better, and safe. I took the hand he was offering me and followed him to the small green caravan.

Everything was quiet and silent as we walked through the camp. The fires were dying and the lights were off, and everyone in the circus seemed to be asleep. The contrast was striking between the circus during the evening, when everyone was out and laughing and talking and making a terrible noise, and the same place during the night, with everything silent and unmoving. It was almost as if it was a different place, a different world. It was all dark, and I could barely see where I was setting my feet. I was not used to the darkness. In the cities, there were lights lit up even in the middle of the night, so as to help the soldiers during their patrols, and I never travelled in the countryside during the night. I thought it was too dangerous, and so far I had always found an abandoned barn or an old cabin or even just a quiet, secluded little place where I could spend the night. Here in the dark, I could not see where I was going, and it was unsettling. It strangely made me feel exposed, and I didn’t like the feeling. Rufus, however, didn’t seem to have the same problem. He appeared to be used to walking around in the dark, had no problem avoiding the logs or chairs or even caravans that would occasionally appeared in front of me like they’d just sprung out of the ground.

I was more than glad when the small green caravan that was already so familiar to me appeared in front of us. My heart warmed a little at the sight of it, as if it had become a home of some sort, and it was so very strange, because I’d only just arrived here.

“Here we are,” Rufus said, walking up the stairs to open the door that was closed but never locked.

Like the previous night, I followed him inside. There was something welcoming in the sight of the inside of the caravan that had seemed so strange and foreign only yesterday; almost like I had already gotten used to it. Just like the previous night, too, Rufus picked up a sleeping bag, and headed out. And just like the previous night, I tried to tell him that he didn’t have to sleep outside, that he didn’t have to go through all the trouble for me, that I would be more than willing to switch places. But before I had even had the time to finish my sentence, he had wished me a good night, and walked out.

I wondered where he was going, with his sleeping bag, where he slept. Part of me had hoped that he would have stayed inside this night, and talked to me some more. I gazed across the dimly lit caravan, searching for something that would allow me to understand Rufus a little more. But there was nothing that helped, really. All food was neatly stored in the cupboards, and all clothes and towels and such were in the wardrobe. And there was nothing more. In Merry’s caravan, I had seen all sorts of things, like pictures and vases and plants and figurines and all kinds of souvenirs, but Rufus had nothing of that sort. It was as if he had nothing that was dear to him in this life.

With a sigh, I placed my bag in a corner of the room, and I lay down on the bed, thinking that I was never going to be able to fall asleep with so many questions and worries, but falling asleep almost as soon as my head touched the pillow.