Fading, Like the Stars

I woke up with the dawn, the next morning. The pale sunlight shone through the thin light curtains of the caravan. The light was soft and comforting, and everything was warm and familiar. It was all quiet, all peaceful. I heard birds singing outside, and wind that was gently stirring the leaves. And once more I could hardly believe that this was real. I wished this would never end. I wished I could just forget about the world outside, forget about everything else, and stay here for the rest of my days. Here, with the birds that were singing, and the nature all around and that sense of freedom that I had rarely experienced before. I wanted to stay here, even if I had no idea of where exactly we were. How far from that town that we had just left? How close to the next one?

I didn’t want to reach the next town. As soon as I wondered how far from it we were, I realized that I never wanted to reach it. Because reaching it would mean two things. The first one was that we would leave that nature, that country road on which I felt so free, and that we would return to a world where there were soldiers on the corners of every road. The second thing was much more personal, and in a way, made me feel even more uncomfortable than the thought of returning to civilization. I had sworn to myself that as soon as we got there, I would leave. I had told everyone that I would. It had seemed, at that time, to be the most reasonable thing to do. It still was. But now I wasn’t so enthusiastic about it anymore. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to leave, because my life here was much easier than anything I had known these last few years.

I lingered in bed for a moment. I tried to forget about the next town, the world around, the soldiers and whatever things were awaiting me. I tried to block out all unpleasant memories, and all worries about the future. I wanted to concentrate only on the moment. I wanted to think only of the brightness of the sun, and of the clear singing of the birds, and only think about joyful things. But it was too late for that. As soon as I had started thinking about the future, about the world as it really was, so different from the peaceful haven that the circus had been for me these last two days, as soon as I had started thinking about that, it was like the quietness had been tainted. Outside, the sun was still shining as brightly. But in my mind, there now was a heavy cloud.

After a moment, I carefully stepped outside. I wanted to roam the camp, since it was still early and there was no hurry to pack up and leave. I thought I could more easily understand how the place functioned, if I saw it with my own eyes. The vision I had from it the previous days was quite biased. I had not wandered around, I had only seen what was shown to me. But there had to be more than that. I had the definite impression that there was more than that. I had the impression that I had barely scratched the surface of what was going on here. That was why I thought that observing what the people were doing when they weren’t travelling would help me understand who they were exactly.

And, to be completely honest, I thought that Rufus would be quite happy to have the caravan for himself for a moment. The place was, after all, his own, and since I had arrived, he hadn’t spent much time in it at all.

Despite the early hour, most people seemed to already be up. Some of them greeted me in a friendly way, calling my name, remembering who I was whilst I had to struggle to recall what their name was. I was invited to share breakfast with families and I was wished a nice day. And I didn’t really know what to answer. It was weird to have people being so nice with me. It reminded me of a time that I had thought was gone. But apparently I had been wrong, and there were still places where living was easy.

In the camp, people were slowly getting more active. Everything had been rather quiet and sleepy, at first. People were just standing out there, sitting on old chairs or on the steps of their respective caravans, having breakfast, talking with their neighbors, not doing much, really. Most of them still looked half asleep, to be honest, and conversation was not really flowing. For most part, they were just sitting there, lazily gazing into the distance, distractedly chewing on their food.

But as the sun rose higher in the sky, the place began to get more animated. There was movement, and the people, who were now wide awake, were talking louder, hurrying here and there, busying themselves with all sorts of activities.

I walked around in the camp, all the time keeping my eyes wide open so that I would be able to see everything that was going on. The air was still a little cold, despite the bright sunshine. It was too early still to allow the rays to warm the earth completely, and the grass was still covered with dew. The fires that had been lit the previous evening had all died, but no one really seemed to care. They all seemed to be used to the temperatures. Some of the members of the circus were occupied by random daily activities, others seemed to be training for what I thought were circus acts. There, in front of a large blue caravan, a tall and bald man was preparing an incredibly large quantity of sandwiches on an old, rickety, wooden table. Other people were washing clothes in large tin basins, and then hanging them to dry on threads that went from one caravan to another. Some were taking advantage of the fact that the circus had come to a halt to repair whatever had gone wrong with their vehicles, other were standing alone in corners, juggling or lifting weights. I stopped right in front of two men who seemed to be practicing sword fighting with wooden weapons. I observed them for a moment, trying to understand what kind of act this would end in.

I was still looking at them, as well as I was listening to the woman who was humming softly, accompanied by the sound of guitar, somewhere in the distance, when I heard footsteps behind me. An old reflex made me tense, a remnant of a time, not so long ago, when every person could potentially be a danger for me. Before I had time to turn round though, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Ah, Aimée, I was just wondering how you were adapting…” said a warm voice, and I didn’t have to think long before I recognized Merry.

A rapid glance behind me, from the corner of my eye, confirmed that it was indeed the friendly lady, who was the first person from the circus that I had met, save for Rufus, of course. She looked as sweet as on the first day we’d met, with her hair flowing wildly around her head, and another shawl, brown, this one, wrapped around her shoulders to preserve her from the chill of the morning.

“I’m fine really,” I said with a smile, turning towards Merry, but still observing the two men from the corner of my eye. “I feel like I’ve been here for weeks instead of days.”

“Ah, glad to hear that, my dear.” Merry smiled, and gently grabbed my arm. “Have you eaten anything this morning?” she enquired as she led me away.

“Uh, no. Not yet.” I mumbled.

“Fine, fine. Then surely you’ll do me the pleasure of eating breakfast in my company,” Merry said, now insistently pulling me towards her own caravan.

“Oh, uh, sure. Thank you,” I mumbled, taken aback and not really having the time to think about any other answer than that.

I cast one last, regretful glance towards the two men with the wooden swords, and followed Merry. The middle-aged woman seemed quite in a hurry, and even I, as trained as I was to walking long distances in a short time, had some trouble keeping up with her. It seemed strange that she was walking at such a fast pace. She didn’t look quite used to that, and was rather out of breath by the time we arrived. But maybe she was just hungry.

“Merry, do you need help?” I asked as we reached the red caravan and as she disappeared inside.

Her disappearance was followed by a low rumble and by the sound of several metallic objects banging against each other. I smiled to myself, wondering what Merry was up to.

“Do you need help?” I asked again when Merry didn’t answer immediately.

Her smiling face appeared in the door opening. “No, no, everything’s fine. You’re my guest. You don’t have to do anything. Just sit down and relax, will you?”

“Alright,” I mumbled, a little disappointed. I wanted to do something useful. The people here were all nice and incredibly kind to me, and I wanted to do something for them in return, even if it was only a little thing. But if I was always treated like a guest and told to rest and relax, I didn’t see what I could possibly do for them.

I sat down, on the ground, and observed. But my enthusiasm about everything around me was slightly diminished. I was distractedly looking at the sky, at birds that were flying in circles above the camp, when Merry eventually came back.

“I made some eggs,” she said, lifting the two plates that she was holding in her hands. “I hope that you’re okay with it. If you don’t like it, I can…”

I interrupted her before she could say anything more. “No, no, it’s alright. It’s perfect.”

Merry smiled brightly. “So, how have you enjoyed these last days amongst us?” she asked as I took one of the plates from her hands and sat down next to her, on the steps in front of the caravan. “Any interesting news?”

“Hmm. No… news at all, but…, uh, ‘s been great… being here…” I mumbled awkwardly, chewing on some food and trying to swallow it quickly so that I could give a proper answer.

Merry laughed. “Sorry,” she said, smiling when she saw me turning red from embarrassment, and flashing me a smile. “Should let you eat first. Go on, finish your plate…” She added, waving in her fork in the air as she spoke.

We ate in silence for a while. I was looking down at the ground. There was a butterfly on a small flower, and I observed it as it flipped its wings quickly, showing flashes of blue and black. Merry was observing me. I could catch a glance of her from the corner of my eye, and she was looking at me with a thoughtful expression on her face.

“You know,” Merry said eventually, placing her empty plate beside her, “I was afraid that you would have left after that first evening. I’m glad that you decided to stay.”

I nodded vaguely, not really sure what to answer to that.

“I’m sure it’ll do you good,” Merry continued. “It’s nice to have you around, and I’m persuaded that it will be good for you to stay too.”

“I thought you didn’t have the room for one more person, didn’t need one more mouth to feed,” I said eventually.

Merry waved her hand in the air, chasing my remark away as if it was made of smoke. “Nonsense,” she muttered. “And if you stay, you’ll earn your own food, too. There’s always room for someone who’s willing to work. We could do with one extra pair of arms. We’ll reach town in a few days, and then there’ll be a lot of work to assemble everything and get all things ready for the big day.”

“Yes,” I murmured thoughtfully. Her words had suddenly brought me back to reality. The moment we would reach a town wasn’t as far from me as I had imagined it to be. This wasn’t just a pleasant travel, a quiet journey on peaceful roads. Well, it had been for me. But for all the people here, that wasn’t what mattered. The travel was just a moment between two cities, a break between two destinations. What was really important for them, and what I had forgotten, was the moments they spent in the towns, the shows that were played, which were what they were living on.

The butterfly flew away and I looked up, at Merry. “What…” I ask, a little hesitant, “uh, what sort of circus is this, exactly?”

“Well, how many sorts of circuses do you know?” Merry replied immediately, flashing me a light smile. “It’s… just a circus, you know. Like all the others.”

The answered seemed very evident to her. I lowered my eyes, looking at my feet for a short moment before I looked back at Merry. Her warm eyes were fixed on me, and the pensive expression had reappeared on her face.

“It’s just that I…” I frowned and then sighed. “Well, actually, I’ve never seen a circus before. This one… you… well, it’s the first circus I see.”

Merry’s smile immediately grew brighter. “Well, you’re lucky to have met us, then. That way you won’t be ignorant of the world of circuses for much longer. I really wonder what you’ll think of the acts, Aimée. We must watch the show together when we arrive.”

I smiled at Merry. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and her words made me really curious and impatient to discover what a circus show was like. I had a very vivid image of it in my head, an image of what I imagined it to be like, but I had never had the opportunity to confront it with the reality. I had heard stories about circuses, and… and I had also read about it. But never had I had the chance to see what it was really like, what it was like, in real life.

“So…” I said cautiously, “… so you do not take part in the show, then?”

At that, Merry laughed loudly. “Take part in the show?” she asked, once she had managed to control her laughter. My remark seemed to have been the funniest thing she’d heard in days. “Look at me, Aimée, dearest,” she said with a smile, an amused glint in her eyes, “I’m an old woman now. Way too old to take part in a circus show.”

“I don’t think you’re an old woman,” I replied honestly. “You’re not old at all.”

“You’re a sweetheart,” Merry said. She was still smiling, but after a moment, she shook her head. “It’s very kind of you to say that, but I really am too old for all this running around. No, I…” she became thoughtful again, and a shadow passed on her face before she continued. “Well, I don’t want to sound conceited, but I see myself as a mother for all these people here. I take care of them all. Listen when they need to talk, nurse them when they’re wounded… Might not be as glamorous as the role of the juggler of the magician, but that is the part I play in this community…”

“Rufus said you were the mother who watches over everyone here,” I murmured, remembering what Rufus had said a few days ago about Merry. “He also said that everyone here would be completely lost without you…”

“Sounds well like something Rufus would say,” Merry confirmed, nodding her head. I could see a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, and I could tell that she was pleased with Rufus’ words. “Such a nice boy that he is…” she added after a short pause.

I couldn’t help but agree with her on that.

A short silence followed, and we both just looked around. I was wondering what more I could say, but Merry seemed perfectly content with just enjoying the quietness around us.

“I should go and see if Rufus needs my help for something,” I said quietly. “Getting the horse ready or something… We should be leaving soon, shouldn’t we?”

Merry smiled brightly. “Go on,” she said. “We still have some time ahead of us before we depart,” she added, looking up at the sun, “but I won’t be holding you back any longer. I have things to do before we leave too, and I should get started too. I was glad to see that you’re fine, Aimée. If you ever need to talk about something, you know where to find me, right? And I’ll be seeing you tonight round the campfire, anyway. Go now.”

I looked up at the sky, wondering how she could tell that we weren’t going to leave just yet. It didn’t help. I saw nothing more than blue sky and white clouds and the blinding sun. I was ready to thank Merry for the breakfast again, and to wish her a nice day, but someone called her name before I could speak.

“Merveille!”

The voice was loud and determined, and I nervously tensed when I turned my head to where the sound came from, and saw Félix striding towards us. Was he going to shout at Merry because she was with me, like he had shouted at Rufus that first night I had spent with the circus? I looked around me, but it would have been rude to just walk away like that, and Félix would always find me back anyway. So I just waited. A little anxious. Quite anxious, actually. I couldn’t help but remember the reaction that Félix had had on that first evening that I had been here? Was he going to shout again? Or perhaps this time he was going to throw me out. He could very well do that.

“Ah, Félix,” Merry said in a joyous tone. “Good morning. Slept alright?”

A frown appeared on Félix’s face as he stopped in front of Merry. For a second, he seemed to be wondering what she was talking about. “Yeah, yeah, good morning,” he answered, impatiently waving his hands in the air.

“Good,” Merry said.

Félix nodded his head. “Listen,” he said in a very serious voice, “I just talked to Joseph and he said that his knee is healed all right, and that he’s ready to work on his act again…”

Merry shook her head. “No. No, he’s not. Not yet.” She smiled softly. “Haa, that boy, always in a hurry… loves his show so much. But he knows that if he tries to force things, he might never heal properly. I told him so only two days ago.”

“I’ll go talk to him immediately.” Félix grumbled. “I knew he was lying to me. Could see it in his eyes. That reminds me, I just walked pass Raymond, and he needs help with the cleaning of the material. Aimée, I think you’ll do the job properly. Go help him.”

I stared at Félix for a few seconds. I was amazed that he was talking to me after the incident of the first night, and I was amazed that he even remembered my name. And I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly. I wasn’t sure I’d understood.

“What are you waiting for?” Félix asked after a moment. “Go!”

“Yes sir,” I mumbled, a blush appearing on my cheeks.

I quickly walked away, too surprised to utter more than a vague goodbye. I was still afraid of Félix. He was grim and strict, and didn’t seem like he laughed very often. But from what had just happened, I guessed that he’d sort of accepted my presence in his circus.