I'm in Love With My Own Sin

Frank’s P.O.V

I stared out the window, at the nighttime sky. Everything looked so peaceful out there, like it didn’t have one single care in the world. The way that the orange mixed in with the yellow, the colors swimming together like paint on a canvas. Everything looked so happy.

I removed my gaze from the window and looked back down at my lap, twiddling my thumbs together. I was so very unhappy. I bit my lip as I heard the bus door being opened. I looked up to see my band mates standing there, huge smiles on their faces.

“Oh my god guys, that show tonight was amazing!” John yelled the excitement plainly visible on his face. The rest of the guys nodded their heads in agreement, broad smiles covering their faces. I just sat in the corner, not making a sound.

John walked over to me as the rest of the guys went back into the bunk room to get ready for a party that they were going to for the night. He sat down beside me and smiled.

“Hey, you okay buddy?” he asked me, ruffling my long brown hair. I had grown it out ever since high school. “You seem down.” John told me, eyeing me strangely. I looked over at him and shook my head. He frowned and sat back against the wall.

“Then what’s going on with you then? You have been acting like this for the past few weeks. The guys and I have been talking, and we know that something has to be up.” John explained to me. I looked at him before trailing my eyes back down to my lap.

It’s true; I have been acting strangely for the past few weeks. I guess I just wasn’t okay. I felt really different now. I was nervous and on edge all the time. I didn’t know if it was because my dad was getting out of jail in just two measly months or because I didn’t want to do this anymore. I guess it was kind of a mixture between both. I wasn’t feeling this band anymore.

John just sat there, eyes focused on me as he waited for my reply. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t know what I would tell the guys when I told them I decided that I should leave the band. I couldn’t take this anymore. At first, everything was all so much fun. I really like playing at the gigs and writing songs all the time, but now it’s just getting so old. It seems as if I am on repeat.

The rest of the guys came back from out of the bunk room and took a seat on the sofa across from me. They took one glance at John’s worried face and their faces altered into an expression of worry. They all looked back and forth, from John, to me, John to me before finally someone spoke up.

“Uh, you guys?” Tim questioned as he cocked an eyebrow. “What’s going on?” he questioned as he looked back at me. He looked down at my lap as I fiddled with my fingers nervously. He knew something was up. He was always so good at reading body language.

I looked up at my band mates. Every single one of their faces had looked worried, nervous, just like I was feeling right now. My stomach twisted in fear, my heart beating fast. I couldn’t believe that I was about to do this, that I was going to leave this band. Leave them without a singer or guitarist. I felt horrible. I let out a deep breath as I began to tell them the news.

“I can’t...” I trailed off, closing my eyes. I didn’t want to see their disappointed faces as I said this. “I can’t… do this anymore.” I whispered, heart beating fast, palms sweaty. I waited for someone to say something, anything, but no one did. So, with that, I continued speaking.

“I can’t be in this band anymore you guys. I… I’m just not feeling it. I get up every morning wondering what I’m doing with my life, wondering if I am making the right choices. I don’t think that this is the right choice…” I trailed off. I waited, a few seconds for one of the guys to speak up. I opened my eyes to see them staring back at me, dumbfounded.

“You’re not feeling it.” John more stated then asked. He cocked an eyebrow at me in disbelief. I nodded my head shortly, just getting it to the point.

The rest of the guys looked at me, wondering if I was just playing some joke on them. That I would just laugh it off and say that I was just kidding and we could make our way over to the party. But, that wasn’t going to happen. It was over this was all over.

“I just can’t do this anymore you guys, I’m sorry. I want to go back home, I miss my mom, and I miss my girlfriend. I hardly ever get to see them anymore. Its nothing personal to you guys, I just want out.” I explained to them. They looked at me, eyes like daggers.

“Frank, when did this all just randomly start out? We are doing amazing! We have our first album out, we have fans, and we can’t let all of them down just because you are a little home sick. We have families, we have girlfriends, but were all sucking it up and taking it like a man. You should do the same. Don’t give up on this band just yet Frank, not only when it just began.” Shaun spoke up for the first time that night. I sighed and looked at them in the eyes, one final time.

“I’m not feeling it anymore.” I told them as I stood up and began to walk over to the door that led to the bunk room.

“Does this mean its all over?” I heard Tim whisper to me, his voice sounding broken. I nodded my head feebly, but still didn’t turn around, afraid to look at them.

“Just so you know Frank, you ruin everything.” I heard John call back to me, eyes boring into the back of my head. Once again, I didn’t turn around, but nodded my head in agreement.

I did ruin everything. I ruined Bella, I ruined my father. But, most importantly I ruined the guy that meant the most to me. I left him, without even a glance back. I left him with nothing, but a measly letter. I left him, with an open wound, even after he saved me from my self. Saved me from insanity. Saved my life.

“I know,” I called over my shoulder to my former band mates. “I’m not proud of it.” I said as I walked back into the bunks. Right then and there, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. I was finally out of the band. But, in the process, I lost some of the best friends that I have ever had.

I got back into the bunk room and grabbed my suitcase that was located under my bed. I began to pack every little thing of mine. I packed my clothes and makeup and shoved it all hurriedly into my bag, not caring if it wasn’t organized.

I thought back to what John had just said. He was right, I ruined a lot of things, but hearing him say it out loud nearly broke my heart. I let one single tear escape as I zipped up my suitcase. By tomorrow night, I would be home.