Exits and Entrances

I stare at the letters in my hands, the last ones. The ones from you in South Carolina in the summer, and you thought that, of all things, writing letters would be so much more romantic.

I remember waiting anxiously for the mailman to come, with a purple envelop bearing my name and yours in a corner, your black chicken scratch the best thing I would see all day. My favorite was one from halfway through the summer, right when my grandmother got sick. I was a mess, and you, like always, would attempt to stitch me back together and make sure that things were okay.

My voice shook as I read the letter to myself aloud, the darkness fading in around the swing set in my backyard, long since used from my childhood, and even longer since John and James’s own.

My darling Cady,

Wow, how dumb does that sound. Sorry for that, Cynthia is watching “Dear John” again, and I can’t get that idea out of my head. Did I tell you or did I tell you that writing handwritten letters is especially romantic?

My mom told me about Nana, Cady. I wish I could tell you something and make you believe it, Cady. I really wish I could. But I want you to know something. Call me, and in a heartbeat, I’ll be there. I will hold you in my arms and I will let you do what you need to do. Or if you don’t want me there, I’ll stay away. But Cady, I promise you that I will make sure that you are okay. You are strong, Cady, and so is Nana Grace. I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay, but it might not be.

But don’t worry, Cady. You will be okay, and you and I ... we’ll all be okay if it kills us and leaves us together, like Romeo and Juliet. I promise you that much. Forever is such a long time, love, but I wouldn’t mind spending it by your side.

Love always,
Tommy

I remember that letter, Tommy. I remember it because that was the day where I really fell in love with you. It was that first summer somehow, that made everything change. I gave my heart to you and for two years, you kept it safe. You kept me safe from harm (though Nana was okay), and you ... you made me happy.

I don’t understand, Tommy. You made me all these promises, keeping me safe and other things that are insanely unrealistic, now. I don’t think you really understand, either, Tommy. The way you had me wrapped around your finger. Tommy, there are no words that describe how much I loved you, how much I would give for you.

But Tommy, one day, I’m going to let go.

That scares me in ways you can’t even imagine, Tommy. I don’t want to let go of you, of the memories that for two years kept me going and kept me smiling when everything fell apart.

My eyes searched the swings, the shorter red one and the taller blue one, and the bodies that used to occupy them. It was the way one was lopsided and the other was perfect that made me think of us somehow. You were perfectly fine without me by your side constantly, and through all of that, I was lopsided, like a piece of me that was always there was suddenly gone, leaving me to find a way to fix myself.

I can’t fix myself alone, Tommy. I need someone to help me. It’s one of my many faults, ones that you left me because of.