Exits and Entrances

I sit in the back, this time with Danny and the new girl, Patricia, as well as Caroline. The auditorium is dark in the back, while lighter in the front, where you stand. You aren’t alone, though through my eyes, you are. Your jeans are tight, your heels clacking against the wood as you walk towards the podium, your eyes filled with tears. Our school was doing its annual remembrance ceremony, its first part, where the girls spoke gently and quietly.

You were scaring me, Cady. You hated to cry in public, you hated to cry in front of me, in front of anyone. And here you are, in front of the whole school, crying your eyes out and I don’t even know why. Your voice shakes, and your entire body collapses a little as you begin your speech.

“I lost my uncle in the army, almost two months ago. When my dad was in Europe when I was seven, my uncle came to live with us, you know, to help out with me and my brothers.” You kept talking, but I stopped listening.

I had met your Uncle Joe. He was there when I first met your parents, or your mom. We were going out to eat at the Chop House in Worcester, almost an hour away, but that was what you wanted. He was funny, and nice, and tried to rough me up a bit if I broke your heart, Cady, but hell. I liked him a lot. And I got to know him better and better the longer we were together.

And now’s he’s gone. Just like that, in the blink of an eye, he was gone off the face of the Earth like a pebble thrown into an ocean.

The worst part wasn’t that I never knew about it, or that I was just finding out now and I felt like crying. The worst part was that I wasn’t there for you. I wasn’t there and I should have been. I promised you that I would be there for you through hell and high water and that I would never let you go.

But I did, Cady, I let you go and now I want you back where I want you, in my heart and in my arms where you can stay forever.
Is that why I’m stuck in the past, because that was when things were right and nothing was wrong?

Goddammit, Cady, I want you back. I want you to come running back into my arms and promise me that we’ll be okay again but something tells me that you won’t. You are too proud, too loyal to yourself to go crawling back into my arms.

If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t change a single thing about our legacy, except for one small thing. I would change our ending, make it so that even if we weren’t together, we were still together in our hearts, best friends until the end of time, even if it meant watching you fall in love and watching you get hurt and having to sit there and know that I would be better.

Cady, I hope that you know how much I love you, and how much I still do. I’m going to do something, and I’m going to make you proud of me and I don’t know what else, but I’m going to make things okay. I promise.

Your voice weaves back inside my head, promising me something simple, something easy. Tears choke on your words, and I can see Danny sitting there, looking more crushed than ever before and Caroline holding back tears, and failing miserably. I looked around slowly, and everyone was in tears, even the jocks and the populars and the nerds. You were always a heartbreaker, Cady, but this ... this was completely heartbreaking, even for me.

My lips mouth the words I wish I could say.

I love you, Cady, I love you.