Exits and Entrances

Danny took you away, Tommy, but Caroline took me out to eat all the same. We went to McDonald’s, and did what the three of us used to always do. Do you remember? I’ll never forget.

We went coning too. You know, what you told us was so stupid and ended up having so much fun?

I didn’t forget Joe, though, Tommy. He wasn’t on the front of my mind, certainly, but you had taken over. You were being so nice to me, and I didn’t understand why. I mean, you had every reason to hate me and had me convinced that I didn’t matter to you, and there you were. You weren’t rubbing my back or shushing me like Caroline was (but you had lost that right, Tommy, and I think you knew that), but you were still there.

You could have been like everyone, laughing at me and making fun of the remembrance ceremony like always. But no, you were there, glaring deeply at those who walked by laughing. Caroline looked tempted to curse them out, but I had watched from between my knees as you gently put your hand on her arm like you used to, giving her the smile I fell for.

That smile that screamed, I got this, the one that would give me so much comfort and faith in myself when I was big into self hate, convinced I wasn’t good enough. Things change, I guess, kind of like people can too.

Caroline reaches across the center console, smiling at me before finally letting me go. I knew perfectly well that my phone, laying on my dresser, was lacking messages of any kind. Since you left, Tommy, I have few messages of any kind.

The house is dark, and has an inch of dust over everything. My dad is passed out on the couch, still grieving, and I’m sure Mom is out drinking or whatever she says she’s doing but we all know that she isn’t. I quietly put a thick blanket over my dad’s sleeping body, before heading upstairs and looking at my phone, some small hope at getting what I want, and that was you.

And somehow, your name flashed across my screen, the phone buzzing in my hands. For an instant, I didn’t know what to do. Did I answer? Before I knew what the hell I was going to do, (or say), I hit “answer”.

“Hello?” I whispered, my voice quiet. You exhaled, sounding relieved. However, your next words nearly broke my heart all over again, taken completely out of context and into the shards of what should have been.

“Is Caroline with you?” You asked, your voice sounding more and more relieved with each breath I spoke. I sighed, a tear leaking out of my eye and my fingers running through my bangs before I spoke again. You noticed nothing, as usual.
“No, she dropped me at home five minutes ago.” My voice was crisp, and I wasn’t sure why. What was I expecting? That you were still in love with me? Oh, I wish, Tommy, you don’t understand how much I was banking on this, how loud my heart was beating when you called.

You hadn’t called in three months, two weeks, three days and twelve hours. I just knew, like that, the last time we talked. Pathetic, huh?

“Good.” And my heart soared again. When I didn’t answer, I could just see you blushing. “I mean, I just don’t want her bitching about how I don’t deserve to talk to you.” I can see you rubbing the back of your neck nervously, half biting your lip and looking down at your Nikes. “I mean, she acts like I don’t already know.”

I inhale quietly, processing the words you said. What did I want? On the most basic level, I wanted to know you again. I wanted to be able to go up to you anytime I wanted and say hello, and not be scared you’d hate me. No, I wanted to talk to you.

So I will keep my anger bottled inside and let you deal with this your own way, as well as letting us get past this how we do it best. By ignoring every emotion we will ever have.