Exits and Entrances

“Okay.” I said quietly, still hearing remnants of your tears on your cheeks, so salty it almost hurt. I tried to remain calm, but I almost lost it myself. “I do talk to you because I want to. Sure, part of it is because I want us to be okay, but I talk to you because I want to.”

It was honesty hour, and I knew it. “I want to get over you. I want to move on and be happy and I don’t know, date the other Shena because I like him better and I want to smile on graduation and not be trying to find your eyes in the crowd and goddammit I just want things to work out.”

I agreed with everything except the Shena thing. Cady, you already dated Casey, what made you think that Matt would be any different? They were all the same people, Cady, haven’t you noticed?

But the next day, what do you know, you’re walking down the hallways with Matt, laughing. Today you’re wearing a sweater dress with tights and a pair of heeled boots, and Matt looks like he’s with the best girl in the entire world. And he should be thinking that, because goddammit, Cady, you are. You’ll never believe it, but it’s true.

I hope you’re happy with him. That’s all I can really wish for.

I’m still madly in love with you. More in love with you than I’ve ever been, but it’s also gotten to the point where I just want you to be happy. If that’s with Matt and his stupid place on every team in high school and his stupid Prius you love so much and whatever else you like about him, then fine. But if there’s even the smallest chance that you’re still in love with me ... well, if you’re with me, I’ll be happy too.

But like I said, if you’re not, I’m still going to be happy because you’re happy, and because I’ll still be allowed to see you and be your friend and be there for you the way I wasn’t when we were together.

I’m starting to see that. That I wasn’t there and I should have been and when I was it was a half ass job. I was a terrible boyfriend, especially towards the end, when everything was falling apart anyway but things just didn’t seem right with us anyway, and I took that the wrong way.

Can you forgive me, Cady? Can you forgive me for not being there like I should have been? Can you forgive me for everything I’ve done? And most of all, Cady, can you find it in your heart to love me again?

I never gave up on loving you, but have you given up on loving me, Cady? Please tell me I still have some kind of chance. I just need to know what’s true and what’s not. I need to know if I could move on and let go and stay holding on. This constant pain is getting unbearable and I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do or say.

So I call you.