Status: NaNoWriMo - 21,112 words.
Exits and Entrances
cady grisham.
My phone rang in my hand, and I knew it was you judging by the butterflies in my stomach and that feeling in my stomach like I’m going to puke butterflies and rainbows. My heart is beating in my throat and Matt Shena doesn’t even exist to me anymore because you’re calling me, Tommy.
But I ignore it.
I’m finally moving on from you and you’re ruining this moment of happiness for me. Please, Tommy, if you’re beside me somehow, please God let me move on. Let me be who I’m supposed to be and let me be happy because being with Matt will change things like it always does. Matt looks at my phone, and gives a quiet smile, my favorite of his. “Tommy Shannon? Didn’t you two date?”
You would have liked him if you got to know him, Tommy, I promise. He’s sweet, and he’s just ... he’s perfect, okay? I don’t know how else to explain it, because he’s the exact opposite of you. And you’re perfect and all ... but I needed something different. A change in atmosphere.
I chuckle. “Yeah, we did. I really loved him, too, if you’re asking about that. But I mean, things change and so did people and we just didn’t work out. It’s okay, you know? It really puts me in my place.” He smiled again, Tommy, and like your smile, it made me melt and weak in the knees and I wanted him.
Maybe I was sick of being lonely all the freaking time, or maybe I just didn’t want to be alone and wanting you anymore. But I was going to let him have me if that’s what he wanted.
“And where is your place?” He asks, both of us standing out of math, which I have with you, Tommy. I can see you sitting there, moody, and my heart gives out for you. I knew I was going to flirt with you for most of the period and I was indefinitely okay with that, but still, it was going to hurt. I smile; Matt made me happy.
“My place is right here,” I say, gently tapping him in the chest, right where his heart should be, and darted into my classroom, not giving him any time at all to respond.
As you sat there, I was overcome with memories of walking into this classroom and jumping into your arms and kissing you and wanting you to be everything I ever wanted because that was how it used to be. I wonder if you can tell they aren’t anymore. Because sometimes I can’t, sometimes I wake up and wonder what kind of cute things you’re going to say to me just to realize that you and I aren’t what we used to be.
And something tells me we’re never going to be like that ever again, either. We’re both too broken, and I ... I don’t know if that’s what I would want. I’d be so fucking scared to get hurt and have the same thing happen to us again that I wouldn’t be able to live in the moment with you.
So I guess I’ll just stick to friendship. You’re such a loose cannon that I would never be able to sit with you and not think of everything you did wrong, of everything I did wrong.
I sit down three rows in front of you, and say nothing to you, despite the two rows between us being empty. I know if I see your bright eyes or white smile, I’ll break down into tears again.
My heart can’t decide where he wants to be, if he wants to be in Matt’s hands, or in yours, Tommy. My heart keeps leaning towards each side, like he wants to be in yours because they’re familiar, but he also believes that Matt will take care of both of us, because he’s new and not so scary as you are.
What am I going to do, Tommy?
But I ignore it.
I’m finally moving on from you and you’re ruining this moment of happiness for me. Please, Tommy, if you’re beside me somehow, please God let me move on. Let me be who I’m supposed to be and let me be happy because being with Matt will change things like it always does. Matt looks at my phone, and gives a quiet smile, my favorite of his. “Tommy Shannon? Didn’t you two date?”
You would have liked him if you got to know him, Tommy, I promise. He’s sweet, and he’s just ... he’s perfect, okay? I don’t know how else to explain it, because he’s the exact opposite of you. And you’re perfect and all ... but I needed something different. A change in atmosphere.
I chuckle. “Yeah, we did. I really loved him, too, if you’re asking about that. But I mean, things change and so did people and we just didn’t work out. It’s okay, you know? It really puts me in my place.” He smiled again, Tommy, and like your smile, it made me melt and weak in the knees and I wanted him.
Maybe I was sick of being lonely all the freaking time, or maybe I just didn’t want to be alone and wanting you anymore. But I was going to let him have me if that’s what he wanted.
“And where is your place?” He asks, both of us standing out of math, which I have with you, Tommy. I can see you sitting there, moody, and my heart gives out for you. I knew I was going to flirt with you for most of the period and I was indefinitely okay with that, but still, it was going to hurt. I smile; Matt made me happy.
“My place is right here,” I say, gently tapping him in the chest, right where his heart should be, and darted into my classroom, not giving him any time at all to respond.
As you sat there, I was overcome with memories of walking into this classroom and jumping into your arms and kissing you and wanting you to be everything I ever wanted because that was how it used to be. I wonder if you can tell they aren’t anymore. Because sometimes I can’t, sometimes I wake up and wonder what kind of cute things you’re going to say to me just to realize that you and I aren’t what we used to be.
And something tells me we’re never going to be like that ever again, either. We’re both too broken, and I ... I don’t know if that’s what I would want. I’d be so fucking scared to get hurt and have the same thing happen to us again that I wouldn’t be able to live in the moment with you.
So I guess I’ll just stick to friendship. You’re such a loose cannon that I would never be able to sit with you and not think of everything you did wrong, of everything I did wrong.
I sit down three rows in front of you, and say nothing to you, despite the two rows between us being empty. I know if I see your bright eyes or white smile, I’ll break down into tears again.
My heart can’t decide where he wants to be, if he wants to be in Matt’s hands, or in yours, Tommy. My heart keeps leaning towards each side, like he wants to be in yours because they’re familiar, but he also believes that Matt will take care of both of us, because he’s new and not so scary as you are.
What am I going to do, Tommy?