Exits and Entrances

You used to twist your fingers around mine, Cady. I remember this clearly. You would tangle our hands together until I wouldn’t be sure whose hand was whose, but yours were always painted and mine were always bruised. But you told me it was your way of keeping us together until the end of time, giving us that extra two minutes together when we had to untangle our fingers from each other’s.

I wish I could do that now, but something tells me that no matter what I say or what I do, you’ll always want Matt more than you want me. But Cady, you should want Matt better. He could give the world for you to be happy when I let you go. I ... I wouldn’t say I’m giving up, but I’m accepting the fact that you deserve so much better than me, and you always will.

I feel like the stereotypical girl who is madly in love with a boy who will never know she exists. But there’s a twist, I knew you. I had you. And I let you go. I feel like a fucking idiot.

And to add insult to injury, all my friends are happy with girls they’ve dated previously. Why am I an exception? But I know, deep down inside, Cady. I’m an exception because I hurt you. You put your heart in my hands and hoped that I would take care of you, and I threw you away because I suck as a person, and most of all, I have no reason left to stay with you, to continue pursuing you.

Except for one thing.

I promised you that I would talk to you because I wanted to, and hell did I want to. I wanted to be your everything, not just someone you talked to everyday. Was that so much to ask?

Apparently so.

Do you remember that road trip we took? From here to New York, all because you wanted to be in the city? That was such a disaster. Caroline got so sick on the way there we had to stop a thousand times, and Danny came to your house high, which your mother evidently noticed. But other that that, it was golden.

You sat shotgun and laughed at everything I said, and you were constantly playing some kind of good song, including the All Time Low cover of Caroline’s favorite song, Teenage Dirtbag, which made me laugh and her squeal. You were always a torturous soul, and somehow, that turned me on.

We toured the city for three days, keeping a low profile and watching out for Danny, who seems to be in some kind of trance. And I remember how you held his hand as we went up the Empire State Building because he was afraid of heights.

You were always so nice like that, babe. You would give anything for someone else to feel better about themselves. I always loved that about you, and I always knew it would make you a good mother. You were always talking about kids like you wanted them, and you had names all planned out with different last names and what you wanted them to look like and you just put so much thought into it.

That’s what scared me too. Was that why you were waiting, Cady? Because you wanted it to be special or because you didn’t want a baby girl or boy in high school? Or maybe I just disgusted you.

I inhale heavily, coughing slightly. Danny gives me a weird look, and I just grunt. I give even less of a fuck than I did before, and goddammit I’m going to go whatever the hell I want because you shouldn’t get to control my actions anymore, Cady. What gives you that kind of right?

Go on, sleep with the Shena boy. Make yourself happy, for Christ’s sake. See what I do.

It dies, and we are all laughing at something that wasn’t even funny anymore. And when my phone rang, I answered, still laughing as hard as I fucking could into the fucking phone because it was that fucking funny.

You knew I swore a lot more when I was high, and being the good christian girl you were, you hardly swore. Unless that changed. Maybe. But probably not, I mean, people never change, right Cady? I laughed once again, before finally speaking normally. “Hello?”