Exits and Entrances

I hate sitting here and staring at my parents' lifeless bodies and wondering what could have been. What if he had lived, and had come home with a bottle of Jack Daniels like he used to and get drunk with my mom and my dad and dance around the house with me and help you make life choices for you, Tommy?

I'm supposed to be working on my early college applications (jumping the gun, I know, but I've always been an overachiever), but instead I'm thinking about my uncle and wishing my parents would just wake up and get on with their lives. My dad hadn't been to work in weeks (but his firm was taking pity on him), and my mom hadn't been to the restaurant her parents owned in weeks. Do you remember how my mom used to get so excited to take us to Lillian's? Tommy, you loved my grandmama's restaurant. I miss those days.

I miss spending time in those way too small booths and I miss how you used to bring all your friends in on the nights I work, and order the craziest things on the menu with insane additions or creations and pay in change, kidding me gently as you left, promising to come see me later.

I've given up on wondering what happened for obvious reasons. Because, well, everything happens for a reason, or so I've been told.

I've been working my mom's shift at Lillian's, Tommy. Someone had to, and she hadn't left her bed in days. And I didn't mind getting out of town for a while, hanging with Grandmama and Billy, her gay bartender. Speaking of Billy, he called my name as I refilled the popcorn machine in the dusty corner. "Cady, where's that boy your Grandmama is always talking about? Timmy or something?" Oh, Billy.

"He dumped me, Billy," I murmured, looking at those screen doors like you were going to walk through holding one of your famous paper bags filled with either Smarties, your favorite candy, or milkshakes from Friendly's, my favorite drink in the whole entire world. I gave a quiet smile, one of those secret smiles that only the holder understood.

Some girls would cry a river if someone mentioned the name of the boy who they were still in love with, but Tommy, something about you made me actually just ... smile a lot, and just remember everything about those times together where it was all about you and me and no one else in the entire world.

I miss you, Tommy, but all I really wanted was another reason to smile the way you used to make me smile. That was all I wanted out of you, Tommy and that just didn't seem like all that much to ask.