Mistakes and Regrets

The roads were practically empty, with stretches of desert on either side of the black pavement. The roof of my beat up 1964 Oldsmobile was down, and the bright fall sun warmed my skin. I sighed contently, changing the radio station with one hand, the other resting on the steering wheel. I was trying to forget where I was really heading, and what was really in store for me.

A military green sign with cheery white letters reading “Welcome To Arizona” shattered my dream. The cheery font and illustration practically made me want to vomit with nerves. I was within state lines, and, even though I was still a few hours away, all the closer to my ultimate destination. Part of me wanted more than anything else in the world to be in my hometown, sitting on my roof with my boys and throwing skittles at the people walking by, just like we used to in high school; just like nothing had ever changed. The other half of me dreaded seeing any of them, especially him.

The conditions to my…departure were less than favorable. I didn’t exactly tell Jared, Garret, Pat, or Kenny, my best friends, that I was leaving, and I hadn’t talked to them since. It didn’t help my case that I just I didn’t just leave town; I left the whole state, and didn’t say a word to any of them. In my defense, I didn’t even know I was leaving until it happened. My dumb irrationality got the better of me, and once you pick up and leave in such a rash way, it’s hard to turn around and go back, to own up to your mistakes and face the thing you ran from in the first place.

My lips twitched as an old Oasis song came on the radio. Everything about it reminded me of John O’Callaghan.

Dammit.

My fingers fumbled over the radio dial, eventually settling on some top 40 station. The beats and seemingly meaningless lyrics were a bit much for me, but it was reassuring, knowing that none of the songs would bring on memories of the past. Coming home was hard enough without them.



My chipped navy fingernails tapped against the steering wheel as I put the car into park. The brick apartment complex was comforting and chilling all at the same time. I reluctantly got out of my personal safe haven, opening the trunk and slinging my gray duffel around my scrawny shoulders. After a short struggle with closing the trunk, I trudged through the familiar halls and up to the third floor.

Apartment 33C

I almost turned around. Pushing my auburn hair away from my eyes, I rapped my knuckles against the door quickly, before I could possibly change my mind. My breathing hitched, and I could barely stand as my legs turned to Jell-O when I heard footsteps from inside. I heard voices and laughter, and the door swung open. A familiar redhead stood behind it, and as soon as his eyes landed on me, his smile froze.

I gave a weak grin, shrugging. It seemed like slow motion as his jaw dropped, and his already fair skin paled slightly.

“Shay?” Jared asked softly, almost as if the word would wake him from some sort of dream.

“Yeah,” I gulped, feeling my head spinning.

I was losing my nerve again. I could feel my eyes watering, and my legs itching with the desire to run. The silence encased us, and the desire only grew stronger.

Suddenly, his arms wrapped tightly around me, to the point where inhaling became difficult. A mangled sob that had been stuck in my throat for nearly four months escaped into the air, and I was crying on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I was wrong,” he whispered against my hair. I hiccuped, swiping a finger under my eye as I looked up at him. My lips twitched into a sad smile, and I nodded.

“I’m sorry I ran,” I whimpered.

“Jared who the hell is at the—“ A boy with a head of dark hair turned the corner, pausing dead in his tracks. “Shay?”

I sniffled, pawing at my face to get the remainder of the moisture off of it. I bit my lip, replaying the last conversation I had with him in my head. It made me cringe.

“Hey Kennedy.”

His expression was blank, and it made me nervous as hell. I’m sure the same thing that was going through my mind was going through his. One of the things I regretted most about leaving was the way Kenny and I left things. The last night I was in Tempe, things were said, and I didn’t know if any of them could be fixed or forgotten.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, just running the hell away like that, without telling anyone a damn thing about where you are or where you’re going?” he shouted, his hands instinctively tugging at the ends of his short hair.

“I know, I’m so—“

“No, you just listen Daisy!”

My eyes widened. He was the only one who even knew that was my first name. He never used it, especially in front of other people. Ever. I was in deep shit.

“You scared the hell out of me! Not just me, out of all of us! Since we were kids, I’ve been the one who’s supposed to look out for you! How the hell am I supposed to do that when I don’t know where you fucking are? And you don’t even call! What the hell were you thinking?”

He paused, and I felt the tears coming back.

“Kennedy, I’m sorry!”

“I’m not finished! I was worried out of my fucking mind!” He stopped and his breathing was harsh and ragged. He closed the couple of feet between us, and embraced me tightly. “I was so fucking worried, Shay.”

I couldn’t comprehend what was going on, so I just stood there, my arms slowly winding around his torso, holding on for dear life.

“I’m so sorry, Kenny. I—I don’t even know what to say. I was being stupid, and wrong, and more than anything, I missed you. I shouldn’t have said any of that to you, and I –“

“Don’t even worry about that shit. I owe you an apology for that.”

“No, you don’t. I was being a brat. You didn’t deserve to be the fall guy for my anger. What you said, you were right.”

“But that doesn’t mean that you deserved what I said. It haunted me every night; thinking you could be hurt or dead and the last thing I said to you made you cry. I thought you hated me.”

It was quiet, and I realized that Jared had slipped out halfway through our argument. I pulled away a bit, my eyes still watering over.

“You called me Daisy, just now,” I laughed through the tears. Kennedy rolled his eyes, punching me lightly in the arm.

“You scared the hell out of me.”

“But still…I think Jared heard you.”

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll never call you Daisy again, or tell the guys it’s your real name as long as you never run like that again. Deal?”

“Deal,” I laughed, hugging him again.

It didn’t matter that I was getting mascara all over his shirt, or that he was crying too. It didn’t matter that the last words we said to each other had been out of hate. Kennedy was more family to me than my blood family, and that would never change.

“You look like hell,” he teased as we pulled away, and I smacked him on the chest, laughing.

“And you look like you’ve slept on a tour bus the past year and a half…oh wait!”

“Shut up,” he chuckled, noticing the duffel bag on my shoulder for the first time. “What’s with that?”

I sighed nervously. “About that. I got out of my apartment contract after I left, and I don’t exactly have a place to stay, or the money for a hotel.”

Kennedy cut me off, taking the heavy sling from me. “Don’t say another word. You’re staying here, Shay.”

“Kenny, you don’t have to,” I argued weakly, but he shook his head. He draped his free arm around me, leading me toward the hallway.

“You’ve been out of our lives for too long, Shay. I’m sure Jared won’t mind. We don’t have another room, but I’ll set up the air mattress in my room for now. We’re family, kid. Always.”

“You’re only a month older,” I protested teasingly, shooting him a look.

“But older, kid, nonetheless,” he retorted, giving me a cheeky grin.

I wrapped an arm around his waist, cuddling into him. I missed the comfort of having my best friends and boys around. I could see Jared in the living room as we walked by, a smile on his face.

“I see you two made up,” he said lightly, but the relief in his voice was obvious. I beamed as Kennedy nodded.

“Best buds for life,” Kennedy stated as if it were the most obvious thing on the world.

“Are you staying here?” Jared asked, taking in the luggage.

“Yeah. I told her you don’t mind,” Kennedy replied with a finality. Jared grinned, hopping up from the couch and toward the door.

“Where are you going?” I asked, watching him grab keys out of the counter.

“To get the air mattress from the garage, obviously,” he smiled. “I’m glad you’re back, Shay.”

I felt tears pricking at my eyes again, but for the first time in months, not from sadness. I had forgotten how kind my boys were. I could only hope the others would be just as forgiving.

“Oh, and Shay?” Jared said, turning as his hand wrapped around the brass doorknob.

“What’s up?” I asked, turning to face him. Kennedy turned with me, refusing to move his arm from my shoulder, as if I would disappear again.

“Daisy? What was that about?”

I groaned, shooting a glare at Kennedy, who was watching the lighting fixture as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

“I swear, Monaco, say a word ever again to any of the other guys or just in general, and I will come after you,” I said, my voice low, my eyes mere slits.

He put his hands up defensively. “You have my word. I mean, you have easy access to me now. I wouldn’t want to wake up without my balls.”

“I’m glad we have an understanding,” I smirked.

“Never again,” he vowed. “See you guys in a few.”

“So, you’ve totally already forgiven me for the slight slipup, right? Because, I mean, the past is the past, and—“

I laughed, cutting Kennedy off. “Don’t worry, roommate, your balls are safe for now.”
He let out an exaggerated sigh of relief, and I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t able to stop the smile on my lips though.

Yeah, I missed this.