Mistakes and Regrets

John stopped in his tracks, dropping the brown paper bag. I watched as it crashed to the floor, completely at a loss for words. His face was one of pure shock, and he looked very much like a deer caught in headlights. I had conflicting urges taking over my body; part of me wanted to get the hell out of the room and the other part wanted to laugh at John's expression.

"Dude, I wanted to eat that," Kennedy grumbled. I could tell he was upset with John, but not juts for dropping the food. I inwardly groaned.

"My bad," John mumbled, quickly dropping to the ground and shoveling the spilled contents back into the bag.

"Why don't I just make us all some breakfast?" I suggested quickly, eying Kennedy and Jared's dangerous glares. Thank god they weren't directed at me.

"You don't have to, Shay," Jared frowned, turning his attention to me. I was already on my way to the kitchen.

"I want to. You guys go sit and play nice, okay?" I ordered in a light tone, giving him and Kenny a stern look.

"Fine mother," Kennedy muttered under his breath, flopping down on the couch. I rolled my eyes, turning the corner into the small kitchen.

I could hear their hushed, aggravated voices, and I flinched. I pressed a button on the radio hanging under the cupboard, trying to drown it out. I hated all the fighting, especially between the guys. Hopefully, it would be over within an hour, like their usual brawls. Yet, something in my gut told me I was wrong.

I tried to shake it out, pulling the eggs and bread from the fridge. I clashed the pots and pans a bit more than necessary when I set them on the stove, praying the boys would get the message.

The routine of making breakfast was one I easily fell into. Back in New York, I'd made it every morning. I was scrambling the eggs when soft footsteps padded on the linoleum behind me. I didn't turn, pretending instead that I hadn't heard them.

"Need any help?" a raspy voice offered, and a stream of curse words ran through my mind. A plastered-on smile appeared on my face before I turned around, trying to keep my composure.

God, please don't let me fall apart.

"Um, sure. Could you put the bread in the toaster?" I asked politely. He nodded, crossing behind me to the other end of the counter.

It was awkwardly and unbearably quiet for what seemed like years. At the same time, I was hoping he wouldn't try to start a conversation. I didn't know if I could handle it without dumping egg yolks all over his beautiful head.

"Shay?" he said timidly.

Dammit.

"Yeah, John?" I replied cautiously, pouring the beaten eggs into the pan. An Elton John song was breaking all of our awkward pauses, and preventing complete and utter silence.

"I'm sorry."

I nodded, pushing the sunny yellow substance around with a spatula. I could feel his eyes on the back of my head and picture his intense, soulful gaze. I gripped the spatula a bit tighter, gnawing lightly on my bottom lip.

"You're sorry a lot lately." My voice wasn't harsh or condescending, just matter-of-fact.

"I know." I looked over my shoulder, and his hands were twitching a bit. His lips were pursed, and I could just tell there was something he wanted to add on.

"Spit it out, O'Callaghan."

"I'm sorry for that. Not for apologizing so much, I mean, but for doing all the stupid shit that lead up to the apologies. It's just, dammit Shay, there's something about you that makes me an idiot."

I raised my eyebrows and watched him. A string of curse words flew from his mouth.

"That didn't sound right, shit, I'm sorry. It's not you, it's my own fucking fault. I'm impulsive and strong-willed and I'm just so, so-"

"Sorry?"

I cracked a real smile, and he chuckled a bit. "Yeah."

"You can stop apologizing. It's okay, John, I promise."

His eyes searched mine, searching for any hidden meaning or anger. I did my best to make sure he wouldn't find it. I was sick of all the bitterness building between us.

The toast popped up, breaking our trance. I went back to scrambling the eggs, and John started to butter the golden brown toast. Finally, a bit of the tension left the air. It wasn't all of it, but it was certainly a starting point.

"So," I started slowly. "Which one of them sent you in here?"

John dropped the toast, but luckily, it hit the plate he was arranging it on. The knife also clattered on the counter, thankfully without doing too much damage.

"Shit, um," he murmured, clearly flustered. "They, uh, didn't send me out here."

"John," I laughed, shaking my head at him. "I really thought you were a better liar than this."

"Sorry to disappoint," he said sourly, then gingerly returned to buttering. "Actually, neither of them sent me. But I could tell they both want to strangle me. So it was self preservation, really."

"I can't blame you. What did you say to piss them off so much?" I asked airily.

'Cause I wasn't eavesdropping on them this morning...

"I, uh, well," he stuttered, refusing to meet my eye. "I told them I kissed you last night."

"Oh," I shrugged, indifferently. His gaze shot to me, but I pretended not to notice.

"Oh?" he repeated.

"Yeah. What's with the look?" I squirmed away, pushing the eggs all onto a giant serving platter.

"Shay, that's the other reason I came in here. We gotta talk about what happened."

"What's there to talk about?" I asked exasperatedly, turning to face him. I leaned against the counter, crossing my arms.

"Shay, some of the stuff you said last night-"

"I know what I said. There's no taking it back, I suppose, but I get it. We're friends, and it should probably stay that way, right?"

I looked him dead in the eye, and he suddenly turned speechless. His lips parted and came together multiple times, like he was searching for words he couldn't find. I knew the feeling well.

"I mean, the past is the past. Let's leave it there, and just try to get back to where we were before Rose, and New York, and last night. Before everything. It's better that way."

I forced a smile, walking the platter over to the dining room table before returning to grab the juice and start the coffee. John was frozen right where I left him.

"You okay?" I asked, grabbing the toast from his hands. He held up a finger, and I walked that over to the table before going back.

"So, you're okay with everything?" he asked hesitantly.

"Of course."

"Shay, I still wanna talk about some of the other stuff."

Of course he did.

"Like what?" I asked, pulling out four plates and mugs. I was arranging them in a manageable stack while awaiting his answer.

"Your name is Daisy?" he started lightly. I let out a sigh of relief and said a silent prayer, hoping this was as deep as it would get.

"Yeah, but if you ever call me that, I'll cut your balls off," I threatened jokingly...sorta.

"Good to know," he gulped animatedly. "Why didn't we know about this?"

"Kennedy did," I said lamely. He motioned with his hands for me to go on, and I bit my cheek. "It was kinda a tradition in my mom's family for the girls to be named after flowers. After my parents died, I couldn't stand to hear anyone call me that.

"Since Kennedy's known me since we were babies, it was impossible to hide it from him. We have a deal though, I don't call him John, he doesn't call me Daisy...but the rest of you, it just never seemed important."

"Oh," he mumbled, and I hoped that was where the interrogation would end.

Wrong.

"And you left...because you were in love with me?" The words sounded foreign in his mouth, and I lifted my scrawny shoulders dramatically, shifting uncomfortably on the balls of my feet

"That about sums it up in a nutshell," I forced out.

"Why didn't you tell me?" The tone of his voice was soft, and almost hurt? I had to be imagining things.

I shook my head to try to clear it of my running thoughts. "You and I, we're best friends. I didn't wanna ruin that when I knew you didn't feel the same."

"You didn't know that," he said defensively.

"I'm not stupid. You had every girl fawning over you, waiting to jump your bones." He made no protests, just glanced away uncomfortably. "I could've been one of them, a quick fuck. But instead, I got to be your best friend, and that's so much more. I wasn't gonna give that up. You're too important."

I could feel my cheeks heating up and turned away. I could hear him moving closer to me, but I started walking into the other room.

"We should eat before the food gets cold, yeah?" I blurted out quickly.

Why stop running now?

"Shay..." John whispered, his fingertips brushing my arm.

"I told you, it's the past. So, forget it, let's eat, m'kay?"

I didn't give him a chance to answer. I called Kennedy and Jared, who appeared in a flash. They wore frantic expressions, and were clearly under the impression John had tried something again. I cocked an eyebrow at them curiously.

"We...uh..." Kennedy sputtered pathetically.

"Just thought something was wrong. Dropped a glass or something," Jared coughed, scratching the back of my neck. John had walked in, and wasn't looking at any of us.

"Uh huh," I hummed, my gaze switching between the two. "The food's done."

"Great, I'm famished," Kennedy announced, sitting down and shoveling food onto his plate, eager to get the conversation away from himself.

"Dorks," I muttered under my breath, but they both narrowed their eyes at me anyway. "Go ahead, deny it."

They both fell silent.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

My eyes met John's across the table, and I could see he still wanted answers; answers I didn't know if I could give him. Instead, I shrugged, popping a bite of egg in my mouth.

"We will finish this conversation later," he mouthed. I turned away, pretending I hadn't seen any of it.

I'm so sorry