Mistakes and Regrets

My eyelids fluttered drowsily open as sunlight streamed in from a gap in the curtains. The events from the night before came rushing back to me as I my eyes darted around the room in shock. My mind was screaming as I squeezed my eyes back shut.

Not again. Oh god, what was I doing?

I carefully sat up, John's sheets wrapped around my otherwise bare torso. Why couldn't I think straight when I was with him? Why did I insist on digging this damn hole any deeper than it already was? Damn, I was just a master at fucking up.

I took a moment to look over at John against my brain's advice. He looked like a giant kid with his head burrowed into the pillows, his tawny hair sticking up in every direction. I smiled despite myself, pushing a hand through my own tangled mess of hair. As much as I wanted to snuggle back into his arms and stay that way forever, I knew it just couldn't happen.

I tore my eyes from John and carefully climbed out of bed. I searched around the room, picking up and throwing on my undergarments, tank top, and skirt. I glanced back at John to see he still hadn't moved a muscle. His soft snores still broke the stillness in the room.

I dug my shoes out from under the desk. How I had managed to kick them off there was well beyond me. When I was with John, I failed to see half of what was going on around us. It was both a blessing and a curse, I suppose. I mean, it was part of the reason I ended up in this situation.

I sat gently on the edge of the bed and attempted to strap on my shoes. I always picked the best times to wear the black cage heels. I was so concentrated on fumbling with the shiny silver buckle that I didn't hear John shifting beneath the covers.

"What are you doing?" he asked sleepily. I didn't look back at him, but I could feel the bed move under me as he sat up.

"I gotta get back to the apartment. I don't want to worry Kenny," I explained softly, biting my lip.

John was quiet, and I was thankful I didn't' have to see the look on his face. If I had, I probably wouldn't want to leave. It was better this way. Or at least that's what I kept trying to convince myself.

"You don't have to go yet," he murmured, an unidentifiable tone in his voice. I squeezed my eyes shut, my fingers freezing along with the rest of me. I took a deep breath, attempting to regain my composure.

"Yeah, I do. I don't know why we keep doing this, John. It's an awful idea." The words flew out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about how they sounded or how John would take them. My walls and defenses had rose, and they were attempting to get me the hell out of his bedroom. They weren't taking mercy this morning.

"What exactly is so bad about this?" There was a defensive note in his voice, and I switched to fasten the other shoe.

"You're kidding me."

"No, really. Why do you keep running away from the thought of us?"

Why did everyone always accuse me of running? Okay, I knew why, but still... I nibbled on my cheek, setting both of my feet back on the ground once I was done with them. My hands rested on the mattress, prepared to push myself up and away.

"There isn't an 'us' John. You failed to mention that," I pointed out emotionlessly. "I can't be running from something that clearly doesn't exist."

"Shay..."

He reached for my arm, and I could feel his long fingers grazing against my skin. Fire erupted from the spots where our skin touched, and I quickly tugged my arm away. I stood up and finally turned to face him. I shook my head, our eyes meeting.

"No, it's true," I said, my voice rising a few octaves. "John, I'm head over heels for you! That is why I can't stay. That's why we shouldn't be doing this at all.! We're friends, just friends. Just friends don't do this!"
"Shay-"

"You wanted to know why I came back to Tempe, and I think we've both known all along. I came back for you, John. It was you," I said so quietly I almost didn't hear it myself. But one look at John and I knew he had heard every single syllable.

"Y-You what?"

His green eyes widened in surprise as his mouth searched fruitlessly for words to say. My lips twitched up ironically at his expression. So rarely was John speechless. If I wasn't fighting to keep a blank face, I would've laughed.

"You heard me. I came back to Arizona for you. I made excuses and stories and outright avoided the question, but the real reason was you."

His lips pursed and a flood of emotions I couldn't make out flickered on his face. I shut my eyes, trying to make sense of what I had just done. No more secrets; for once, everything I had in my heart was out in the open with John. And it scared the shit out of me.

"So stay here. With me," he finally said. The words had come out of his mouth calm, so sure and steady that I could feel the emotions stumbling through to my face.

"But," I sputtered out, trying to keep my grip on sanity. "John... What?"

"I've just stood and listened time and time again as you told me everything that's been going on in your head and what you think and feel, but you've never given me the fucking time of day to tell you what I'm thinking or feeling. You always run off or cut me off," he informed me, a lopsided grin forming on his thin lips.

I blinked a few times and tried to regain my bearings. "I'm sorry. What exactly is it that I've been preventing you from telling me?"

John's grin grew at my tone. He reached out to grab my hand, and I didn't fight him on it. He pulled me down until I was sitting next to him on the bed. The words started pouring from his lips, but he never let go of my hand, and I never tried to move it.

"Well first off, that I missed you so much over the past year that it hurt. I forgot what it's like to just be happy and have faith that for once things are just going to be okay and work out."

"John-"

"See, you're doing it again and I haven't even been talking thirty seconds," he laughed, giving me a stern look. "Do me a favor and promise you won't say anything until I'm finished, okay?"

"But John-"

"Shayla, please," he begged exasperatedly.

"Fine," I complied. I shut my mouth, and with my free hand I pretended to lock it.

"Thank you," he whispered before continuing. "Now secondly, I realized just how big a part you play in my life. I mean, you can be so stubborn and sarcastic and difficult, but life just isn't right if you aren't."

I started to open my mouth, but he raised his eyebrows at me. I closed it soundlessly, feeling all the heat rush to my cheeks. Oops.

"I realized I don't just want you in my life, I need you here. Your crazy hair, your smile, the way you roll your eyes at me or blush or argue when you know you're right; all of you. You're so fucking amazing, and I can't believe I let all this shit get in the way of you and me. So stay with me, Shay. Be with me."

My ears were ringing in my head. I was half convinced I had just imagined the whole thing. I mean, stuff like this didn't just happen. Not to me, at least.

"You know, you can talk now," John teased. "A response would be really nice."

"What do you mean, be with you?" I asked, my voice flooded with emotion and confusion. He rolled his eyes jokingly and brought his other hand up to stroke my cheek.

"I mean be the one I sing to at every concert. The one I write sappy songs about. The one I call when things go wrong, or go right. The one I wake up to each morning and fall asleep next to each night. Hell, you already are, but everyone's so keen on labels these days so I just had to ask. Be my girlfriend, Shay."

I felt frozen to the spot. I had dreamed about hearing him say something like this for ages, and now that he finally had, I couldn't make sense of his words. John wanted to be with me.

"Okay, I know I told you not to talk, but please, just say something," he pleaded, his eyes searching my face nervously.

I felt a smile tugging at my lips as I blinked away the tears that had formed in my eyes. I repositioned myself so I was kneeling before him on the bed. I removed my hand from his and wrapped my arms around his neck before pressing my lips against his.

Our bodies molded together and he leaned back until I was lying on his chest. His hands rested on my hips and mine played with the hair at the back of his neck. I pulled my lips away suddenly and my face hovered mere centimeters above his.

"You do not know how long I've been waiting to hear you say that," I murmured before crashing my mouth back against his.

"Is that a yes?" he asked, his voice muffled against my lips. I giggled as he rolled us over so I was on my back. He hovered above me, looking at me with a softness greater than I ever could have imagined.

"Hell yes. I'm yours. Always," I breathed out before pulling his head closer to me and his lips back to mine.