Status: NaNoWriMo 2011!!
Unwritten Pages
Losing It
Alan hadn't gone hysterical. He hadn't looked like he was on the verge of losing it like Drew was. His expression had been...neutral. Almost like he had expected Winter to be dead.
I had driven back home with Desiree and Alan. Alan hadn't spoken a word in the car. Desiree kept quiet too. It hadn't been like the car ride to the cemetery. When we had finally pulled to a stop, Alan had muttered a quick goodbye. He left the car and hurried away without even looking at us.
I squint at Alan's retreating figure. “Is that normal?” I ask Desiree. We're still in the car. She looks out the window and shrugs.
“I don't know,” Desiree says. “I don't even know him. He probably deals with grief this way,” she adds.
“Did you see?” I ask her, “or hear? He stopped stuttering at the cemetery,” I say, feeling slightly stupid for saying this. Alan had told me he didn't stutter when he wasn't nervous. But still—wouldn't Drew have made him nervous?
Desiree shrugs and she starts to get out of the car. “So? Maybe it's normal for him,” she says, giving no second thought to it.
“I'm just saying,” I say as I turn off the engine and get out of the car along with Desiree. “I found it weird that he didn't just...lose it. Drew looked like he was about to cry, but Alan stood there like everything was perfectly fine.” I think about it for a while. “Actually, he didn't look like everything was fine, but he didn't seem surprised.”
As I close the door and lock the car, Desiree says, “maybe he already knew.”
For some reason, that sends a shiver up my spine. Desiree doesn't notice my shiver and continues on with what she's saying. “Maybe he knew and wanted us to confirm it. It was a pretty rude thing to do, if you ask me,” she says.
“Well,” I say, “you weren't acting exactly what I would call polite...” I say, trailing off, thinking of when she had told Alan to shut up.
“He wasn't being polite either. Well, in my view, he wasn't,” Desiree says simply. “And how did he know where you lived?”
I shrug. “Today's the first time I've seen him,” I tell her. Now that Desiree had mentioned it... How did Alan know where I lived? How did he know that we knew Winter? I had a feeling that he hadn't been just randomly selecting houses and asking about a girl named Winter.
It's silent between us for a while. The bright sun is bearing down on us and there's a flutter of wings as a bird takes flight. I look up to see the pigeon soaring in the sky until the sun swallows it up. I can hear children's laughter from further along down the road. I realize that Chris isn't posing in front of his yard anymore.
“Why are we just standing here?” Desiree says, interrupting the summer's melody. “Let's go inside.”
December 18th
So Christmas is a week from now. I haven't bought any presents for any yet... Maybe I'll just go shopping during Saturday. I have to buy stuff for my parents. I might have to buy stuff for my friends to... But I actually don't want to...
I'm so selfish. I mean, I'm just scared of losing more money. Sheesh.
So today, I moped around like usual. Desiree invited me to go shopping, but my mother wouldn't allow me to go. Unfair. It's not like I love shopping, but I would rather get some fresh air than just sit around at home.
But anyways, I have a few ideas for what to get my parents. I could get my mom a trip to some sort of...spa... Though I'm not sure if she'd want it. Maybe I'll just...get her some chocolates. But my mom hates sweets... Maybe I could just get a job and give her half my pay, but I'm too lazy...
For my dad, I thought about getting him some wine. But then I rethought it. Not a good idea. I wasn't sure about this, but I doubt anyone would sell me wine. Unless I buy it illegally, of course.
I can get him...a coffee mug...
I don't know what to get my parents.
I don't think just giving them money is a very good gift. I mean, it would be great, of course. But...it doesn't seem very...heartfelt. It just feels like I'll be throwing stuff at my parents. It'll feel like I don't care about them and take them for granted.
Well...yeah, I actually kind of take them for granted but... It's just...
I'm getting tired. Good night, journal.
December 19th
I actually can't stand looking at Liane. She makes my stomach turn. Alright—I'll try to be nice about it. Liane is always with her friends, giggling about something ridiculous. I don't even know what. All I know it that it's most likely about boys or parties. She was Asian, and the stereotype for Asians was that they were good at math, worked hard and were obedient. They were also supposedly quiet.
Liane does not fit in that stereotype.
Her best friend is this really annoying girl who calls herself 'Scandalicious'. Her real name is Natasha Nguyen. She always carries around a camera. When one asks her want the camera is for, she replies: “strict scandal sensing, proof-giving research.”
Basically, all she wants to do is to capture people doing horrible 'scandalicious' things. Liane is a writer for the school paper, so Natasha just goes around and snaps pictures and then they come up with some horrible story. I don't even know how Liane got into the school paper.
I hope she doesn't become the President of the Student Council. I was pretty sure some horrible things would come to play if that ever happened.
So today, (guess what they were gossiping about?) they were giggling and talking like usual. Except, it was slightly quieter today.
Then, Liane actually had the nerve to come up to me.
“Oh hey,” Liane said, like we were the best of friends. Or at least just friends. Because I didn't like to be rude to other people, I nodded a greeting to her.
“So,” Liane said, drawing out the 'o'. I absolutely hated when people drew out their words, but I was determined not to show it.
“Yes?” I asked a politely as I could.
“You're going out with Drew Sorauren, aren't you?” It was more of a statement than a question. I snuck a glance at Liane's friends to see that they were all focusing on this conversation like it was their lifeline. The expression on their faces made them look like harpies that were eager for fresh meat.
Or more like, girls ready to tear about another girl.
“Yes,” I said as nonchalantly as I could. Drew wasn't in school today (or maybe he was just skipping) so he wasn't here to hear what Liane and her friends had to say about our relationship.
“You and Drew totally do NOT belong together.” Liane had already told me this in art class on Saturday. I was sure that she still remembered that but she pretended not to. “Did I already tell you that? I don't think I did.”
I heard a coughs coming from one of Liane's friends.
“You did,” I reminded her, “on Saturday.”
“Whoops!” Liane gave a little laugh. The laugh wasn't a laugh that told me I could join in. The laugh was...directed at me. Or at least, that was how I felt about it. “Sorry, must have forgotten.”
“Yes,” I said dryly. “You must have forgotten. With all that excitement in your life, it's quite easy to forget things.” I hoped that she didn't notice the sarcasm in my voice. Though I guess I did a good job covering it because Liane didn't give me any dirty looks. Or maybe it just wasn't in her nature to do things directly. She gives indirect cruelty and pretends to be nice.
“Silly me,” Liane said. “But anyways, you heard me, did you? Drew plus you equals a big no-no.”
I wasn't angry because she had told me that on Saturday and was now attempting to use the same joke again. I was angry because she was...undermining me. I wasn't angry because she was saying that I didn't deserve Drew. I was angry because she said I didn't deserve Drew because of my status or whatever else that was running through her head.
I wanted to say something horrible to Liane but I didn't know exactly what to say. And I actually didn't really want to say anything terrible to her even though she was a horrible person and probably deserved it.
“Anyways,” Liane continued, seeming to take my silence as victory, “just thought you should know.”
I finally found the words. “Is that all you want to say? That's it?” I looked her in the eyes. I was practically daring her tell me to stay the hell away from Drew or else I would regret it. But what could she do to me? I didn't doubt that she could spread vicious rumours, of course. But I had a feeling that if she ever wrote my name down in one of her ridiculous articles, everyone would say 'who the hell is Winter?'
Liane rolled her eyes. “Well,” she said, “now that you've mentioned it...”
There were giggles emitting from Liane's pack. I didn't look at them. I didn't really care about them. It was Liane who was the leader of the pack. She was the one I should be watching out for. With the exception of Natasha's camera.
“So?” I asked.
“I'm not telling you to do anything,” Liane clarified. She wasn't taking my bait. She wasn't stupid. “But I'm just suggesting you should stay away from Drew. You know, him being popular and you being all...unnoticed.” She said the last word with a scornful tone.
“Anyway,” she continued, “you know that some girls just won't settle for being second place. I'm just warning you of all the drama you probably go through. You don't want to get yourself killed in process, do you? Or maybe they'll just tempt you with the idea of suicide.” Liane laughed and shook her head. “But of course, you seem too smart to get yourself killed. Am I right?”
Before I could reply, our teacher came over to where we were talking. “I thought this was a working period, not a talking period.”
Liane made no protest. “Sorry,” she said timidly as she headed back to her friends. She always did that. It was annoying. I knew that she wasn't a timid person. But she sure knew how to act.
Liane's 'advice' was not genuine, that was a given. She must have thought I as stupid enough to think that she was being sincere.
But I know better than to trust Liane.
December 20th
I ended up not telling Drew about the horrible Liane thing yesterday. I was quiet most of the time so he just thought that I was still traumatized over That Thing.
Why am I still mentioning it? Anyway, I'll just keep the whole Liane thing between me, myself, and I. And between these pages, of course—written in blue pen. I don't need to start a huge cat-fight with Liane. I'm pretty sure a cat-fight is what Liane wants.
I might mention this to Aiden when I see him...unless Liane is being an eavesdropper in my art class. I hated that I had to see her for six days of the week instead of just five. Fives days was enough torture.
December 21st
My teachers told me that the next two days will be more relaxing since the beginning of the school year. I just hope that she's right. Today wasn't so bad. We didn't get bombarded with more assignments. The PowerPoint thing seems to be really killing the slackers.
Serves them right.
December 22nd
Tomorrow is Friday... Just one more day to suffer through until school's out for the break. I don't have art classes for the next two weeks as a break.
So my mom let me go shopping with Desiree today. Drew had tried to invite me to one of his parties. I had to refuse because I honestly didn't really want to go. I had a feeling that his parties weren't really mild ones. Drew had no objection when I refused and I wasn't really worried that he would cheat on me at his party. I wouldn't have been surprised, but Drew can do whatever he wanted. I may be his girlfriend, but it wasn't like I was his mother.
I went to the downtown shopping mall with Desiree and Arianna. Andrew was off with his guy friends playing sports somewhere uptown. I wanted to look for something to buy for my parents. Arianna and Desiree weren't really giving me helpful ideas for what to buy.
In the end, I bought my dad a sweater and my mom a scarf. They weren't really what was In Season. But at least they were made for the winter season. Winter, ha-ha!
December 23rd
I wrapped up the presents I got for my parents this morning. Apparently, my cousins aren't coming over for Christmas and my parents had already bought presents for them and sent them over. I don't have to worry about getting them presents now.
We don't have a Christmas tree this year. Actually, we've never had a Christmas tree so I just kept the presents in my room.
Drew asked me (again) to come to a Christmas party at his house. It suddenly reminded me of how I never met any of his relatives (except for Elle, of course). I wanted to go, just to meet his parents/guardians. But he told me that his parents were away for Christmas, so that blew any chance of me going.
Personally, I actually really like parties. But I was sure that Drew's party would be insane. And I had a feeling that there would be drugs.
Drew usually never bothered me any further when I said I didn't want to go. But this time was different. “Why not?” he had asked.
I shrugged. I didn't really know exactly what to say. I didn't want to sound rude about it. “My parents won't let me,” I said. That was most likely true.
Drew sighed. “If you think the parties are too wild for your liking, you can just say so. But honestly, I've got a reputation to hold, Winter,” he said.
Instantly, that made me angry; especially when he mentioned his reputation. I didn't want to start a fight, but he was asking for it. It felt like he was talking about me when he said the reputation part. It was like I was somehow ruining it for him.
“Reputation,” I repeated. “That's all the oh-so-popular Drew Sorauren ever thinks about. Reputation,” I said, disgust clear in my voice. “Well go ahead and maintain your reputation. Oh, but won't it be hard with me around?”
“Winter—” I cut him off.
“If all you care is reputation, then you can go date whoever the hell you want. I don't care anymore. What's the point, with a someone like you?” I knew I was pushing it, but I honestly didn't care.
Drew didn't seem pissed, though. He looked at me like I was too stupid to understand anything in world.
“Screw it,” I said. “If you want it to be over, just say so. I'm not the one to stop you.”
But he just sighed and shook his head. That gave me more fuel to feed the fire. But I managed to keep the horrible words from coming out of my mouth. Instead of screaming at him like a crazy person, I just walked away.
December 24th
There's no art class today due to the holiday break. Like most of the Saturdays earlier in twelfth grade, I didn't do anything. Well, I actually just moped in my room...like usual.
I was angry at Drew. I usually didn't show my anger so obviously, but I think I may have done that when I was talking/yelling at Drew yesterday. He hasn't called or texted me. I actually don't really care about that. I think he knew to leave me alone to calm me down.
But still...the whole thing about Drew's reputation... It was so...ridiculous that it hurt. But of course, it was always reputation before the stupid and unnoticed girlfriend.
I've been so...odd this past month. It was like... I don't know. I'm sure Drew noticed it. Well, maybe it wasn't all on me because this life of mine is spinning everywhere.
In eleventh grade, not much happened. I didn't have any trouble with Liane. She was just another girl in my class that I rarely talked to. Also, I had never talked to Drew once in eleventh grade. Maybe I've talked to him once...but... I'm sure it was about some homework.
But now? Liane and her friends are almost...going against me. Liane is TAKING NOTICE to me. It's rare...for people to notice...a person like me. I liked staying in the sidelines. I liked being unnoticed. But now it wasn't like that anymore.
And Drew. I was Drew's girlfriend. I'm not sure if we actually broke up or not but he had brought attention to me. Of course, Drew's girlfriend wouldn't go unnoticed. Especially if she was one of the people who were rarely ever noticed.
There was just...too much attention. I wasn't use to it at all.
If I was losing it, blame it on the attention I was receiving.
I had driven back home with Desiree and Alan. Alan hadn't spoken a word in the car. Desiree kept quiet too. It hadn't been like the car ride to the cemetery. When we had finally pulled to a stop, Alan had muttered a quick goodbye. He left the car and hurried away without even looking at us.
I squint at Alan's retreating figure. “Is that normal?” I ask Desiree. We're still in the car. She looks out the window and shrugs.
“I don't know,” Desiree says. “I don't even know him. He probably deals with grief this way,” she adds.
“Did you see?” I ask her, “or hear? He stopped stuttering at the cemetery,” I say, feeling slightly stupid for saying this. Alan had told me he didn't stutter when he wasn't nervous. But still—wouldn't Drew have made him nervous?
Desiree shrugs and she starts to get out of the car. “So? Maybe it's normal for him,” she says, giving no second thought to it.
“I'm just saying,” I say as I turn off the engine and get out of the car along with Desiree. “I found it weird that he didn't just...lose it. Drew looked like he was about to cry, but Alan stood there like everything was perfectly fine.” I think about it for a while. “Actually, he didn't look like everything was fine, but he didn't seem surprised.”
As I close the door and lock the car, Desiree says, “maybe he already knew.”
For some reason, that sends a shiver up my spine. Desiree doesn't notice my shiver and continues on with what she's saying. “Maybe he knew and wanted us to confirm it. It was a pretty rude thing to do, if you ask me,” she says.
“Well,” I say, “you weren't acting exactly what I would call polite...” I say, trailing off, thinking of when she had told Alan to shut up.
“He wasn't being polite either. Well, in my view, he wasn't,” Desiree says simply. “And how did he know where you lived?”
I shrug. “Today's the first time I've seen him,” I tell her. Now that Desiree had mentioned it... How did Alan know where I lived? How did he know that we knew Winter? I had a feeling that he hadn't been just randomly selecting houses and asking about a girl named Winter.
It's silent between us for a while. The bright sun is bearing down on us and there's a flutter of wings as a bird takes flight. I look up to see the pigeon soaring in the sky until the sun swallows it up. I can hear children's laughter from further along down the road. I realize that Chris isn't posing in front of his yard anymore.
“Why are we just standing here?” Desiree says, interrupting the summer's melody. “Let's go inside.”
* * *
December 18th
So Christmas is a week from now. I haven't bought any presents for any yet... Maybe I'll just go shopping during Saturday. I have to buy stuff for my parents. I might have to buy stuff for my friends to... But I actually don't want to...
I'm so selfish. I mean, I'm just scared of losing more money. Sheesh.
So today, I moped around like usual. Desiree invited me to go shopping, but my mother wouldn't allow me to go. Unfair. It's not like I love shopping, but I would rather get some fresh air than just sit around at home.
But anyways, I have a few ideas for what to get my parents. I could get my mom a trip to some sort of...spa... Though I'm not sure if she'd want it. Maybe I'll just...get her some chocolates. But my mom hates sweets... Maybe I could just get a job and give her half my pay, but I'm too lazy...
For my dad, I thought about getting him some wine. But then I rethought it. Not a good idea. I wasn't sure about this, but I doubt anyone would sell me wine. Unless I buy it illegally, of course.
I can get him...a coffee mug...
I don't know what to get my parents.
I don't think just giving them money is a very good gift. I mean, it would be great, of course. But...it doesn't seem very...heartfelt. It just feels like I'll be throwing stuff at my parents. It'll feel like I don't care about them and take them for granted.
Well...yeah, I actually kind of take them for granted but... It's just...
I'm getting tired. Good night, journal.
December 19th
I actually can't stand looking at Liane. She makes my stomach turn. Alright—I'll try to be nice about it. Liane is always with her friends, giggling about something ridiculous. I don't even know what. All I know it that it's most likely about boys or parties. She was Asian, and the stereotype for Asians was that they were good at math, worked hard and were obedient. They were also supposedly quiet.
Liane does not fit in that stereotype.
Her best friend is this really annoying girl who calls herself 'Scandalicious'. Her real name is Natasha Nguyen. She always carries around a camera. When one asks her want the camera is for, she replies: “strict scandal sensing, proof-giving research.”
Basically, all she wants to do is to capture people doing horrible 'scandalicious' things. Liane is a writer for the school paper, so Natasha just goes around and snaps pictures and then they come up with some horrible story. I don't even know how Liane got into the school paper.
I hope she doesn't become the President of the Student Council. I was pretty sure some horrible things would come to play if that ever happened.
So today, (guess what they were gossiping about?) they were giggling and talking like usual. Except, it was slightly quieter today.
Then, Liane actually had the nerve to come up to me.
“Oh hey,” Liane said, like we were the best of friends. Or at least just friends. Because I didn't like to be rude to other people, I nodded a greeting to her.
“So,” Liane said, drawing out the 'o'. I absolutely hated when people drew out their words, but I was determined not to show it.
“Yes?” I asked a politely as I could.
“You're going out with Drew Sorauren, aren't you?” It was more of a statement than a question. I snuck a glance at Liane's friends to see that they were all focusing on this conversation like it was their lifeline. The expression on their faces made them look like harpies that were eager for fresh meat.
Or more like, girls ready to tear about another girl.
“Yes,” I said as nonchalantly as I could. Drew wasn't in school today (or maybe he was just skipping) so he wasn't here to hear what Liane and her friends had to say about our relationship.
“You and Drew totally do NOT belong together.” Liane had already told me this in art class on Saturday. I was sure that she still remembered that but she pretended not to. “Did I already tell you that? I don't think I did.”
I heard a coughs coming from one of Liane's friends.
“You did,” I reminded her, “on Saturday.”
“Whoops!” Liane gave a little laugh. The laugh wasn't a laugh that told me I could join in. The laugh was...directed at me. Or at least, that was how I felt about it. “Sorry, must have forgotten.”
“Yes,” I said dryly. “You must have forgotten. With all that excitement in your life, it's quite easy to forget things.” I hoped that she didn't notice the sarcasm in my voice. Though I guess I did a good job covering it because Liane didn't give me any dirty looks. Or maybe it just wasn't in her nature to do things directly. She gives indirect cruelty and pretends to be nice.
“Silly me,” Liane said. “But anyways, you heard me, did you? Drew plus you equals a big no-no.”
I wasn't angry because she had told me that on Saturday and was now attempting to use the same joke again. I was angry because she was...undermining me. I wasn't angry because she was saying that I didn't deserve Drew. I was angry because she said I didn't deserve Drew because of my status or whatever else that was running through her head.
I wanted to say something horrible to Liane but I didn't know exactly what to say. And I actually didn't really want to say anything terrible to her even though she was a horrible person and probably deserved it.
“Anyways,” Liane continued, seeming to take my silence as victory, “just thought you should know.”
I finally found the words. “Is that all you want to say? That's it?” I looked her in the eyes. I was practically daring her tell me to stay the hell away from Drew or else I would regret it. But what could she do to me? I didn't doubt that she could spread vicious rumours, of course. But I had a feeling that if she ever wrote my name down in one of her ridiculous articles, everyone would say 'who the hell is Winter?'
Liane rolled her eyes. “Well,” she said, “now that you've mentioned it...”
There were giggles emitting from Liane's pack. I didn't look at them. I didn't really care about them. It was Liane who was the leader of the pack. She was the one I should be watching out for. With the exception of Natasha's camera.
“So?” I asked.
“I'm not telling you to do anything,” Liane clarified. She wasn't taking my bait. She wasn't stupid. “But I'm just suggesting you should stay away from Drew. You know, him being popular and you being all...unnoticed.” She said the last word with a scornful tone.
“Anyway,” she continued, “you know that some girls just won't settle for being second place. I'm just warning you of all the drama you probably go through. You don't want to get yourself killed in process, do you? Or maybe they'll just tempt you with the idea of suicide.” Liane laughed and shook her head. “But of course, you seem too smart to get yourself killed. Am I right?”
Before I could reply, our teacher came over to where we were talking. “I thought this was a working period, not a talking period.”
Liane made no protest. “Sorry,” she said timidly as she headed back to her friends. She always did that. It was annoying. I knew that she wasn't a timid person. But she sure knew how to act.
Liane's 'advice' was not genuine, that was a given. She must have thought I as stupid enough to think that she was being sincere.
But I know better than to trust Liane.
December 20th
I ended up not telling Drew about the horrible Liane thing yesterday. I was quiet most of the time so he just thought that I was still traumatized over That Thing.
Why am I still mentioning it? Anyway, I'll just keep the whole Liane thing between me, myself, and I. And between these pages, of course—written in blue pen. I don't need to start a huge cat-fight with Liane. I'm pretty sure a cat-fight is what Liane wants.
I might mention this to Aiden when I see him...unless Liane is being an eavesdropper in my art class. I hated that I had to see her for six days of the week instead of just five. Fives days was enough torture.
December 21st
My teachers told me that the next two days will be more relaxing since the beginning of the school year. I just hope that she's right. Today wasn't so bad. We didn't get bombarded with more assignments. The PowerPoint thing seems to be really killing the slackers.
Serves them right.
December 22nd
Tomorrow is Friday... Just one more day to suffer through until school's out for the break. I don't have art classes for the next two weeks as a break.
So my mom let me go shopping with Desiree today. Drew had tried to invite me to one of his parties. I had to refuse because I honestly didn't really want to go. I had a feeling that his parties weren't really mild ones. Drew had no objection when I refused and I wasn't really worried that he would cheat on me at his party. I wouldn't have been surprised, but Drew can do whatever he wanted. I may be his girlfriend, but it wasn't like I was his mother.
I went to the downtown shopping mall with Desiree and Arianna. Andrew was off with his guy friends playing sports somewhere uptown. I wanted to look for something to buy for my parents. Arianna and Desiree weren't really giving me helpful ideas for what to buy.
In the end, I bought my dad a sweater and my mom a scarf. They weren't really what was In Season. But at least they were made for the winter season. Winter, ha-ha!
December 23rd
I wrapped up the presents I got for my parents this morning. Apparently, my cousins aren't coming over for Christmas and my parents had already bought presents for them and sent them over. I don't have to worry about getting them presents now.
We don't have a Christmas tree this year. Actually, we've never had a Christmas tree so I just kept the presents in my room.
Drew asked me (again) to come to a Christmas party at his house. It suddenly reminded me of how I never met any of his relatives (except for Elle, of course). I wanted to go, just to meet his parents/guardians. But he told me that his parents were away for Christmas, so that blew any chance of me going.
Personally, I actually really like parties. But I was sure that Drew's party would be insane. And I had a feeling that there would be drugs.
Drew usually never bothered me any further when I said I didn't want to go. But this time was different. “Why not?” he had asked.
I shrugged. I didn't really know exactly what to say. I didn't want to sound rude about it. “My parents won't let me,” I said. That was most likely true.
Drew sighed. “If you think the parties are too wild for your liking, you can just say so. But honestly, I've got a reputation to hold, Winter,” he said.
Instantly, that made me angry; especially when he mentioned his reputation. I didn't want to start a fight, but he was asking for it. It felt like he was talking about me when he said the reputation part. It was like I was somehow ruining it for him.
“Reputation,” I repeated. “That's all the oh-so-popular Drew Sorauren ever thinks about. Reputation,” I said, disgust clear in my voice. “Well go ahead and maintain your reputation. Oh, but won't it be hard with me around?”
“Winter—” I cut him off.
“If all you care is reputation, then you can go date whoever the hell you want. I don't care anymore. What's the point, with a someone like you?” I knew I was pushing it, but I honestly didn't care.
Drew didn't seem pissed, though. He looked at me like I was too stupid to understand anything in world.
“Screw it,” I said. “If you want it to be over, just say so. I'm not the one to stop you.”
But he just sighed and shook his head. That gave me more fuel to feed the fire. But I managed to keep the horrible words from coming out of my mouth. Instead of screaming at him like a crazy person, I just walked away.
December 24th
There's no art class today due to the holiday break. Like most of the Saturdays earlier in twelfth grade, I didn't do anything. Well, I actually just moped in my room...like usual.
I was angry at Drew. I usually didn't show my anger so obviously, but I think I may have done that when I was talking/yelling at Drew yesterday. He hasn't called or texted me. I actually don't really care about that. I think he knew to leave me alone to calm me down.
But still...the whole thing about Drew's reputation... It was so...ridiculous that it hurt. But of course, it was always reputation before the stupid and unnoticed girlfriend.
I've been so...odd this past month. It was like... I don't know. I'm sure Drew noticed it. Well, maybe it wasn't all on me because this life of mine is spinning everywhere.
In eleventh grade, not much happened. I didn't have any trouble with Liane. She was just another girl in my class that I rarely talked to. Also, I had never talked to Drew once in eleventh grade. Maybe I've talked to him once...but... I'm sure it was about some homework.
But now? Liane and her friends are almost...going against me. Liane is TAKING NOTICE to me. It's rare...for people to notice...a person like me. I liked staying in the sidelines. I liked being unnoticed. But now it wasn't like that anymore.
And Drew. I was Drew's girlfriend. I'm not sure if we actually broke up or not but he had brought attention to me. Of course, Drew's girlfriend wouldn't go unnoticed. Especially if she was one of the people who were rarely ever noticed.
There was just...too much attention. I wasn't use to it at all.
If I was losing it, blame it on the attention I was receiving.