Unwritten Pages

When you tell yourself that you're an idiot, you're usually just self-loathing. When others tell you that you're an idiot, they're either joking or hate you.

This is one of the times that it's different. I'm an idiot because I actually am an idiot. I had conveniently thrown the Meth that Aiden had given me on the bed in the open where everyone could see. Desiree had been walking by and had seen it. It had made it look like I've been cooped up in my room all week doing drugs. Desiree didn't even listen to me when I told her otherwise. I've never been high this week, but she didn't believe me.

After she had dumped the Meth on the ground, she had run out. I had a feeling that she expected me to start gathering the spilled contents instead of running after her. I didn't run after her because my parents would be home soon. And if they found this on the ground... I don't even want to imagine what will happen to me.

I finish cleaning the floor and I put the contents back in the bag. They're slightly dirty, but I don't want to throw them in the garbage. Not that I don't want to—it's because I don't want my parents opening the trash can and finding this there.

I'm going to give this back to Avery. I can't think of a good way to dispose of this without alerting anyone else other than giving it to Avery.

After I'm sure there are no traces left on the floor, I bring the bag back upstairs. Thank God I don't have a dog in the house. I'm sure if I did, the dog would be able to smell out something different.

After I throw the bag on a shelf, I open the journal again. I'm so...addicted to it. Forget my own life—look at Winter's. I didn't know that Liane had targeted her a few times. I didn't even know that...she was stalked... Maybe that's the reason she killed herself. But why? She could have called the police...

Also, the last few entries had made me slightly uncomfortable. It seemed that she had started to have...feeling for me. Feelings that I can't return... Unrequited love... God, I hope she didn't kill herself because of me. I can't be that important, can I? No...definitely not.

The feeling of that sickens me. Had I been the reason of her death? That doesn't even seem possible. But after reading her journal... I know that girls do stupid things, but surely not suicide over a boy? Surely not suicide over unrequited love?

I realize with a sinking feeling that there are people who do that. Hopefully Winter doesn't fall into that category. Hopefully it's not my fault. It can't be my fault. I don't know how I'll ever be able to forgive myself if it is my fault that she's...gone.

April, 7th

I meant to write more yesterday, but I forgot to. I mean...I got freaked out again. I mean...I thought...it was over...

I have to call the police soon... But...I'm still doubtful. I'm still doubting everything. Because why would it be me? Who would have the interest to stalk me? That's a question I liked answered.

Anyway, art class was a lot calmer without Liane Chau to mess things up. The atmosphere felt relaxed, and I swear, even the teacher looked happier! Everyone was content without Liane to mess things up for them. Aiden seemed a bit guilty that he had did that to Liane, but I quickly convinced her she was a bitch that we needed to get rid of.

Also, Aiden is acting a little weird. He's asking me so many questions about...the stalking...thing... I didn't want to burden him anymore. I was sure that it was my fault he was like this so I said that I didn't notice anything and that I thought the stalker had stopped following me. He seemed relieved by this news.

“Just be safe,” Aiden said. “Be safe.”

April, 8th

Happy Easter! My parents actually don't really care about holidays like these so...we didn't have any 'ridiculous' (as they call it) egg hunts.

And...adding to that... I saw...the person again...

April, 12th

This is getting really pathetic.

Ex approached me again today. Didn't he say we weren't even friends? Apparently, this wasn't really 'friendship' as he said. He had tried to talk to me and coax me to apologize to Liane. Like that would happen. Honestly, what did he think?

“Winter,” he said after I told him we weren't friends, “I'm just talking to you. Don't be ridiculous.”

The fact that he was almost telling me that I was ridiculous angered me. What say did he have? He was superficial. He was arrogant. He was an egomaniac. And I was the one being ridiculous? He didn't even have any common-sense.

“Well I don't want to talk to you,” I said. I didn't care if I was being 'ridiculous'. “Please leave me alone,” I finished.

Ex sighed. “Winter,” he said, “can you be reasonable?”

“Can YOU be reasonable? What else are you trying to accomplish here? You won't get me to apologize to Liane because she deserves it. In fact, I haven't even done anything face to face with her. She had a choice but she decided not to stay. And then she goes running to you and you go running to me, expecting me to apologize to her. That's pathetic. You're pathetic!”

Luckily, this was after school and no one was really there to witness what happened next.

He grabbed me and forcefully kissed me right on the lips. I hated that feeling. And right then, I hated him. I shoved him off me not so long after and spat the after taste on the ground. He forced himself on me. And he had thought it would work. He had thought that randomly making out with me would make me swoon over him and completely forget my sense. Plus, he was Liane's boyfriend. He was cheating on her. I didn't care who he was cheating on, all I cared was that he was cheating on her.

“You're a cheating scumbag!” I yelled at him as I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. He didn't actually feel disgusting—it was just that he made me feel dirty and disgusting. And that was worse.

“I'm breaking up with her,” he said. “Don't worry.”

“I'm not worried about that!” I yelled. “What kind of person are you? I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

He chose not to respond to that and he moved closer to me. I didn't want his mouth near mine anytime soon so I brought my foot up and kicked him in the place where the sun doesn't shine. He had let out a howl and I got the hell out of there.

God, I hate him. I want to transfer out of all the classes I have with him. He was just a stroke of bad luck. Very back luck.

April, 16th

I managed to avoid Ex for days. Luckily, he seems like he's not even trying to communicate with me. And I've heard rumours that Ex and Liane are over. He had tried to get me again. What a bastard.

He thought I was an idiotic girl who would fall for his stupid little tricks or whatever. He thought he was so clever and amazing and popular. I didn't think so. I wasn't the same stupid girl who had fallen for him in the beginning of the school year. I actually hope he gets hit by a truck or something horrible like that. The world doesn't need people like him.

April, 21st

So Aiden asked me if I wanted to hang out with him next week after art class. I said yes, of course. He was still acting a bit odd and I was determined to find out what. Surely it can't be because of me. That would be horrifying. I would hate to have Aiden all depressed about me.

April, 25th

To avoid Ex, I've been sticking around Peter. Even flirting with him. I made sure that Ex had been watching when I was flirting with Peter. Sure, I felt bad that I was using Peter like that, but there was no end to what Ex would do. I wasn't trying to break his heart (did he even have a heart? I highly doubt it), I was just trying to get him to stay the hell away from me.

Luckily, Peter didn't seem to catch on that I was (kind of...) using him and Ex got the message. He's avoided me since he forcibly kissed me. I wonder...what if...Ex is the stalker...?

It kind of makes sense... But I haven't seen the stalker for a while so... Hopefully it was just Ex messing around with me (even though that's sickening to think about). I just hope that...the stalker...wasn't some random person I didn't know...

April, 28th

Today was...odd.

Of course, I remembered that Aiden had asked me to hang out with him. It felt just like a normal friend thing of course. But after art class, it actually started to feel really weird.

Aiden a really good guy, of course. But then...he's just... I don't know, he's older than me. He's slightly eccentric. Maybe it was that I just wasn't use to him, but it actually felt really odd to be around him. Plus, he was still all gloomy and depressed. It wasn't like him.

Basically, we went to a park nearby the art class. My mom had known I was going to hang out with some friends after art class so she wasn't worrying about where I was or whatever she usually worried about.

We just walked around and there was an awful lot of awkward silences. I finally brought up the courage to ask him why he was acting so gloomy.

“Aiden,” I said, “you okay? Or are you...?”

“I'm fine,” Aiden replied a little too quickly. “I'm honestly fine. I feel great today.” He didn't sound like it but I got the feeling that he didn't want to talk about it anymore so I didn't push. He didn't trust me to talk about it and I felt slightly bad about that.

After what felt like hours, we both went our separate ways. Me, home...and I didn't even know where Aiden walked off to.

I didn't even know what he did after art class.

That was when I realized I didn't really know Aiden that well. But I trusted him. All I knew was that he was a few years older than me and that he attended the same art class. That was it. I didn't know his favourite colour. I didn't even know about his family. Or anything, really. And he practically knew everything about me from my ex-boyfriend to my hatred for Liane.

And what scared me the most was that I trusted him. But he didn't trust me.