Status: NaNoWriMo 2011!!
Unwritten Pages
May Horrors
The moment I get back home, I open Winter's journal immediately. I'm going to read this to get through the week. There's no bag of Meth to distract me now. The next unread entry of her journal is set in May.
May, 1st
It's May now. Grade Twelve is just flying past. Why does time past so quickly? Anyways, funny thing: Ex tried to approach me.
I didn't swear at him and I didn't say the horrible things that I really wanted to say. The last day we talked was bad enough. I didn't like straight-on telling someone that I hated them. I liked to keep those horrible thought inside my head.
It began like this:
“Hey. What questions did we have to do again?”
I could have kindly told him to ask the teacher. And look at the board. But I knew he was doing this because he wanted to talk to me. He could have just talked to me at the end of the school day, but perhaps he thought that I would be impossible again. So instead of making some snappy remark, I told him what we were suppose to do.
“Thanks,” he said, smiling at me like he thought that smile was going to win me over. I grimaced and inwardly rolled my eyes. I wasn't some stupid little girl that he thought me to be.
“You're welcome,” I said nonchalantly.
Before he left, he said, “Winter, I'm sorry.”
It kind of surprised me because he actually sounded sincere. “Sorry for what?” I asked, trying to sound as clueless as possible.
He shrugged. “Just...things. Alright? I'm sorry for...hurting you. I'm sorry for leading you on. Just... I'm sorry. Is that enough?”
“I'm not hurt over anything,” I said, trying to forget that I had told him how much I hated him before. “And apology accepted. I'm not hung over or anything.” I was trying to convince myself.
“Alright,” Ex said. “And sorry about saying how we couldn't be friends or anything.”
I faked a laugh. But right then, I actually felt like crying. It just felt...so emotional. To me. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it did. “That was a stupid thing,” I managed to say lightly.
Ex seemed to have a huge burden off his shoulders. “That's...good. See you around, Winterlyn.”
He smiled and left. I think that was when I forgave him. He may have been a jerk. He may be arrogant and insensitive. But he would come around whether it took weeks or months. In this case, it had been months.
It's about time I forgave him too and start to call him by name again.
May, 4th
And just when I thought it was over...
I saw the...stalker again. This time, he wasn't just watching me from afar. Yes, I know it's a man for sure now...
I was walking home today and I saw him. I panicked and I walked a little faster but he picked up the pace. At one point, I turned around to see him. He was very close. Not close enough to see his face, which was hidden beneath a cap. But I was close enough to see that he had a built body like a man. Not like a grown man...more like a young adult... Someone around my age.
I don't really want to write about it right now...
May, 12th
Okay, I should have written a little more this week, but I was honestly feeling really bad about the whole...stalker.
I told my parents.
And guess what they said? No, actually, I'm going to write it all down. They told me that I was overreacting and why in the world would anyone stalk me? Huh, I'd like that question to be answered too. They brushed me off like I was a stupid little kid and unlike the eighteen-year old I actually was. But whatever. I was legal now and I could do whatever the hell I wanted without needing my parents to know.
I told myself to call the police if it happens again but... It didn't... So I didn't call...
But then I could still remember almost exactly what he looked like (from what I could see). If I closed my eyes and thought about it, I would be able to conjure up an image of the...stalker in my head.
Anyways, I went to art class today. It's already Saturday! Things were great without Liane. I think I already wrote that in this journal about five billion times already. Oh, and Liane isn't bothering me at school anymore. Isn't that great? She just shoots me dirty looks from time to time but it wasn't that hard to ignore it. She couldn't spread any effective rumours because if/when she ever mentioned my name, they would all ask: “Who's Winterlyn Evaline Lawly?”
It sucks being so...unnoticed. But it works to my advantage so I won't complain too much on that part.
But anyways, I saw Aiden again today. Things had gotten slightly awkward between us since the whole after art class hangout. But...something about him today was completely off.
And he looked...weird... I mean, he wasn't dressed in flamboyant colours or anything. He looked like he normally did. But if I squinted at him...he looked like...
NO. I will not write that. Never. I will never EVER say that. That's impossible...
NO. Shut up, hand. Stop writing this about Aiden! Stop!
May, 13th
Happy Mother's Day! I didn't really make anything for my mother so... I just went up to her and said, “Happy Mother's Day!”
She brushed me off and told me to go do something else while she was watching dramas.
May, 17th
Okay...the...stalker...followed me again. I didn't want to tell my friends. I don't know why, but I didn't. I didn't call the police either. Now everybody would be thinking that I'm stupid; why not call the police? But...I just don't know. I reached out to grab the phone once I was home and then I dialled a completely different number.
Funnily enough, he picked up immediately.
“Hello?” It was just so...nice to hear his voice again.
“It's me,” I said softly. He was silent for a few second and I realized he didn't hear me. I repeated my words in a louder voice. I realized that my voice was cracked and I sounded like I was going to cry. I clenched my hands into fists to stop them from trembling. Then I took in a deep breath and let it out. Calming exercises, you could say.
“Hey,” he said. “Hey Winter. You don't sound so good.”
So he wasn't clueless. “No,” I managed to say. “I just...wanted...”
“To hear my voice?” he guessed. I could hear the smile in his voice and that made me slightly at ease. But I still couldn't help but look out the window for any signs of the stalker again.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, realizing that my voice was calmer now. Who knew that talking to Ex—sorry, Drew, was so calming? He made me feel a whole lot better now. It wasn't like the nervous panic when I first met him and when we had just broken up. He made me feel a whole lot better now. Before he could say anything else, I said, “Thanks.” Then I hung up on him.
He probably thought I was weird but I didn't care. He made me feel happy. That's all I needed right now.
May, 18th
I saw the...stalker again.
I don't want to write it out...but...
He looked a lot like...Aiden...
I sorry! But I had to get that out! I don't want to do this, but I think I'm going to have to ask Aiden about it tomorrow... I can't imagine how awkward it would be. What if I'm just being paranoid?
I can't call the police about it. I can't tell my friends about it. But I can tell Aiden about it? How stupid is that? It's just so...perplexing!
I don't want to ask him, but I've got to. For my sake and his.
Hopefully, I'm just paranoid.
May, 19th
The conversation started like this:
Me: Hey Aiden.
Aiden: Hey.
Awkward silence. And then:
Me: How's life and...all?
Aiden: It's good. Hey, you mind passing me those pastels? I need them for my new project I'm starting.
Then we started to talk about artsy stuff and that was really it. In the end, I had to force myself to ask him about the stalking. It wasn't pleasant. I mentioned That Thing that I use to talk to him about and he completely froze up. I knew that it wasn't a good sign.
“So, um, I just...saw the stalker again...” I gave a nervous laugh and then I put my hand on the table to study myself. I felt a little light-headed from this. “And...I'm sorry Aiden... But he looked a hell of a lot like you.”
To my surprise, Aiden gave me a slight smile. It wasn't a nice smile, but it wasn't a hate-fuelled smile either.“Well you wouldn't want to imagine things now, would you?”
That was how our conversation ended.
Now that I'm looking back on it... I realize that it's not a straight answer...
May, 21st
Happy Victoria Day and all. But I'm too caught up with what Aiden said that I can't really celebrate right now. I'm just so...messed-up right now. My friends are at some firework show. I turned down their offer.
I'm just staying at home right now. It's night... And I'm constantly looking out the window for the signs of a...stalker.
I wish I asked Aiden for a straight answer. He's not a stalker, he can't be. But he's leading me to think that he IS a stalker. Aiden's not crazy enough to do that... Stalking brings you to jail...
I could just call the police. But I don't want to. I don't know why but I just don't want to. It's just an odd feeling that I can't explain. I don't want to call the police even though that may be the best choice.
May, 25th
Premonition.
Something's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know exactly what. But I know that something's going to happen tomorrow. Be it good or bad. I can just...sense it...
This whole thing is giving me the shivers.
I stop reading at that point. The next journal entry is in June. It's like when she first found out she was...stalked. The next journal entry had been weeks from the last time she wrote.
I look at the date. June the first. She only has fourteen days left of her left, I realize with a dull pang in my heart. Fourteen days left until she dies. There are only a few more written pages left. But I don't want to finish this. I don't want to finish this and leave Winter's story behind forever. Reading this...it helps me. It makes me feel as though Winter is still here, sitting beside me and just peering over my shoulder at the words on the pages.
On instinct, I look over my shoulder. The ghost of Winter's memory sitting there dissipates and I'm just staring into empty space.
She's gone.
But she's still here. I'd like to think that a part of her soul is embedded in the very pages of her journal even though Peter would question me on the existence of souls.
I read the June entry before closing the book and leaving the last fourteen days for another reading week.
June, 1st
I feel like crying. I don't want to write this. I dropped out of art class. I didn't want to take it anymore. I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm going to see Drew.
There are tear stains on the page and it makes me wonder what exactly had happened to make her like this. It's not like her to just drop out of classes. It's not like her to just...see Drew randomly. No, it can't be randomly. There's a reason behind this. What's the word Winter used again? Premonition.
I wonder what May horrors she faced.
May, 1st
It's May now. Grade Twelve is just flying past. Why does time past so quickly? Anyways, funny thing: Ex tried to approach me.
I didn't swear at him and I didn't say the horrible things that I really wanted to say. The last day we talked was bad enough. I didn't like straight-on telling someone that I hated them. I liked to keep those horrible thought inside my head.
It began like this:
“Hey. What questions did we have to do again?”
I could have kindly told him to ask the teacher. And look at the board. But I knew he was doing this because he wanted to talk to me. He could have just talked to me at the end of the school day, but perhaps he thought that I would be impossible again. So instead of making some snappy remark, I told him what we were suppose to do.
“Thanks,” he said, smiling at me like he thought that smile was going to win me over. I grimaced and inwardly rolled my eyes. I wasn't some stupid little girl that he thought me to be.
“You're welcome,” I said nonchalantly.
Before he left, he said, “Winter, I'm sorry.”
It kind of surprised me because he actually sounded sincere. “Sorry for what?” I asked, trying to sound as clueless as possible.
He shrugged. “Just...things. Alright? I'm sorry for...hurting you. I'm sorry for leading you on. Just... I'm sorry. Is that enough?”
“I'm not hurt over anything,” I said, trying to forget that I had told him how much I hated him before. “And apology accepted. I'm not hung over or anything.” I was trying to convince myself.
“Alright,” Ex said. “And sorry about saying how we couldn't be friends or anything.”
I faked a laugh. But right then, I actually felt like crying. It just felt...so emotional. To me. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it did. “That was a stupid thing,” I managed to say lightly.
Ex seemed to have a huge burden off his shoulders. “That's...good. See you around, Winterlyn.”
He smiled and left. I think that was when I forgave him. He may have been a jerk. He may be arrogant and insensitive. But he would come around whether it took weeks or months. In this case, it had been months.
It's about time I forgave him too and start to call him by name again.
May, 4th
And just when I thought it was over...
I saw the...stalker again. This time, he wasn't just watching me from afar. Yes, I know it's a man for sure now...
I was walking home today and I saw him. I panicked and I walked a little faster but he picked up the pace. At one point, I turned around to see him. He was very close. Not close enough to see his face, which was hidden beneath a cap. But I was close enough to see that he had a built body like a man. Not like a grown man...more like a young adult... Someone around my age.
I don't really want to write about it right now...
May, 12th
Okay, I should have written a little more this week, but I was honestly feeling really bad about the whole...stalker.
I told my parents.
And guess what they said? No, actually, I'm going to write it all down. They told me that I was overreacting and why in the world would anyone stalk me? Huh, I'd like that question to be answered too. They brushed me off like I was a stupid little kid and unlike the eighteen-year old I actually was. But whatever. I was legal now and I could do whatever the hell I wanted without needing my parents to know.
I told myself to call the police if it happens again but... It didn't... So I didn't call...
But then I could still remember almost exactly what he looked like (from what I could see). If I closed my eyes and thought about it, I would be able to conjure up an image of the...stalker in my head.
Anyways, I went to art class today. It's already Saturday! Things were great without Liane. I think I already wrote that in this journal about five billion times already. Oh, and Liane isn't bothering me at school anymore. Isn't that great? She just shoots me dirty looks from time to time but it wasn't that hard to ignore it. She couldn't spread any effective rumours because if/when she ever mentioned my name, they would all ask: “Who's Winterlyn Evaline Lawly?”
It sucks being so...unnoticed. But it works to my advantage so I won't complain too much on that part.
But anyways, I saw Aiden again today. Things had gotten slightly awkward between us since the whole after art class hangout. But...something about him today was completely off.
And he looked...weird... I mean, he wasn't dressed in flamboyant colours or anything. He looked like he normally did. But if I squinted at him...he looked like...
NO. I will not write that. Never. I will never EVER say that. That's impossible...
NO. Shut up, hand. Stop writing this about Aiden! Stop!
May, 13th
Happy Mother's Day! I didn't really make anything for my mother so... I just went up to her and said, “Happy Mother's Day!”
She brushed me off and told me to go do something else while she was watching dramas.
May, 17th
Okay...the...stalker...followed me again. I didn't want to tell my friends. I don't know why, but I didn't. I didn't call the police either. Now everybody would be thinking that I'm stupid; why not call the police? But...I just don't know. I reached out to grab the phone once I was home and then I dialled a completely different number.
Funnily enough, he picked up immediately.
“Hello?” It was just so...nice to hear his voice again.
“It's me,” I said softly. He was silent for a few second and I realized he didn't hear me. I repeated my words in a louder voice. I realized that my voice was cracked and I sounded like I was going to cry. I clenched my hands into fists to stop them from trembling. Then I took in a deep breath and let it out. Calming exercises, you could say.
“Hey,” he said. “Hey Winter. You don't sound so good.”
So he wasn't clueless. “No,” I managed to say. “I just...wanted...”
“To hear my voice?” he guessed. I could hear the smile in his voice and that made me slightly at ease. But I still couldn't help but look out the window for any signs of the stalker again.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, realizing that my voice was calmer now. Who knew that talking to Ex—sorry, Drew, was so calming? He made me feel a whole lot better now. It wasn't like the nervous panic when I first met him and when we had just broken up. He made me feel a whole lot better now. Before he could say anything else, I said, “Thanks.” Then I hung up on him.
He probably thought I was weird but I didn't care. He made me feel happy. That's all I needed right now.
May, 18th
I saw the...stalker again.
I don't want to write it out...but...
He looked a lot like...Aiden...
I sorry! But I had to get that out! I don't want to do this, but I think I'm going to have to ask Aiden about it tomorrow... I can't imagine how awkward it would be. What if I'm just being paranoid?
I can't call the police about it. I can't tell my friends about it. But I can tell Aiden about it? How stupid is that? It's just so...perplexing!
I don't want to ask him, but I've got to. For my sake and his.
Hopefully, I'm just paranoid.
May, 19th
The conversation started like this:
Me: Hey Aiden.
Aiden: Hey.
Awkward silence. And then:
Me: How's life and...all?
Aiden: It's good. Hey, you mind passing me those pastels? I need them for my new project I'm starting.
Then we started to talk about artsy stuff and that was really it. In the end, I had to force myself to ask him about the stalking. It wasn't pleasant. I mentioned That Thing that I use to talk to him about and he completely froze up. I knew that it wasn't a good sign.
“So, um, I just...saw the stalker again...” I gave a nervous laugh and then I put my hand on the table to study myself. I felt a little light-headed from this. “And...I'm sorry Aiden... But he looked a hell of a lot like you.”
To my surprise, Aiden gave me a slight smile. It wasn't a nice smile, but it wasn't a hate-fuelled smile either.“Well you wouldn't want to imagine things now, would you?”
That was how our conversation ended.
Now that I'm looking back on it... I realize that it's not a straight answer...
May, 21st
Happy Victoria Day and all. But I'm too caught up with what Aiden said that I can't really celebrate right now. I'm just so...messed-up right now. My friends are at some firework show. I turned down their offer.
I'm just staying at home right now. It's night... And I'm constantly looking out the window for the signs of a...stalker.
I wish I asked Aiden for a straight answer. He's not a stalker, he can't be. But he's leading me to think that he IS a stalker. Aiden's not crazy enough to do that... Stalking brings you to jail...
I could just call the police. But I don't want to. I don't know why but I just don't want to. It's just an odd feeling that I can't explain. I don't want to call the police even though that may be the best choice.
May, 25th
Premonition.
Something's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know exactly what. But I know that something's going to happen tomorrow. Be it good or bad. I can just...sense it...
This whole thing is giving me the shivers.
I stop reading at that point. The next journal entry is in June. It's like when she first found out she was...stalked. The next journal entry had been weeks from the last time she wrote.
I look at the date. June the first. She only has fourteen days left of her left, I realize with a dull pang in my heart. Fourteen days left until she dies. There are only a few more written pages left. But I don't want to finish this. I don't want to finish this and leave Winter's story behind forever. Reading this...it helps me. It makes me feel as though Winter is still here, sitting beside me and just peering over my shoulder at the words on the pages.
On instinct, I look over my shoulder. The ghost of Winter's memory sitting there dissipates and I'm just staring into empty space.
She's gone.
But she's still here. I'd like to think that a part of her soul is embedded in the very pages of her journal even though Peter would question me on the existence of souls.
I read the June entry before closing the book and leaving the last fourteen days for another reading week.
June, 1st
I feel like crying. I don't want to write this. I dropped out of art class. I didn't want to take it anymore. I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm going to see Drew.
There are tear stains on the page and it makes me wonder what exactly had happened to make her like this. It's not like her to just drop out of classes. It's not like her to just...see Drew randomly. No, it can't be randomly. There's a reason behind this. What's the word Winter used again? Premonition.
I wonder what May horrors she faced.