Dark Before the Dawn

I shut the door to mine and Alex’s apartment behind me, groaning as I dropped my heavy bag on the ground. Fuck, I can’t believe the elevators broken. Having to walk up stairs with all my textbooks? Not fun. Today is the first day of my third year of college, and all I had to do was go in for introduction lectures and pick up all my books, but it still was exhausting. Especially having to walk with such a heavy bag.

Yeah, third year of college. I can’t quite believe it either. My photography degree is going amazing though. I’ve passed my first two years with flying colours, and I know if I work just as hard this year I’ll graduate with an amazing degree.

Shame about all the books though.

Well, it looks like Alex isn’t home yet. That’s good. That means he didn’t skive off work. That means I get a chance to tidy up a bit before he gets home. He hates it when the apartment is messy. And at least he gave me the money to go grocery shopping yesterday. That means I can make a decent dinner tonight. Y’know, after I’ve done my college work.

I wish I could explain how much my life has changed, I really do. There’s so much to tell about living here in Temescal, about going to college. But I don’t have the time, not right now. Not when I’ve got so much to do before Alex gets home.

With another groan I picked my bag back up before trudging down to my study. I’ll never be more grateful for this room, let me tell you now. I smiled as I saw my beautiful SLR camera on the shelf next to my polaroid camera. My prize possessions, my babies. At least I have something I can call my own. I glanced at my watch as I poured the books in my bag out onto my desk. 3pm. Good. I have two hours to get my shit sorted. I can clean while dinner’s cooking, right?

*

It was gone 6pm when Alex finally got home. He finished work at 5 so I don’t know what took him so long – but I’m not going to ask. I’ve already made dinner and eaten my half, so right now I’m reading a book on ‘the introduction to digital’ for a module I’m starting next week. Might as well get ahead. It’s not like I have anything else to do. Alex slammed the front door behind him and I immediately winced. Great. He’s in a mood again.

“Hey Alex. How was your day? I missed you this morning,” I said, forcing a smile as I looked over my shoulder.

He walked past the kitchen and towards me.

“It was a fucking horrible day. All these fucking stupid little kids not knowing a fucking thing about playing guitar and not one of the fuckers said thank you. Ungrateful fucking brats,” Alex growled, kicking his shoes off.

I missed you too, Zack. Hah, as if I’ll hear that. Surprised at his attitude? I’m not. This is mild for him. Especially recently.

“I’m sorry you had a bad day,” I murmured.

“Whatever. Did you make any dinner?” Alex grumbled.

“Yeah, chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans. It’s in the microwave. Just put in on for 3 minutes. I didn’t make it all that long ago,” I nodded.

Alex grunted his approval and stomped back to the kitchen, and I sighed. This is what my life had reduced to. Alex went to work before I went to college. I got back from college before he did, and did my work, cleaned a bit and cooked dinner. He gets back and complains about his day, sometimes throwing stuff around, before we sit in silence for most the night. Sometimes we’ll have sex if Alex feels like letting off some steam. Other than that, we don’t really have any contact.

Why, you ask?

Alex hasn’t been taking his medication for his IED for nearly a year now. He doesn’t know that I know, but the fact that I haven’t picked up a new prescription for him in all this time, or that the bottles are still full in the bathroom cabinet, tells me all I need to know. I don’t know why he doesn’t take them, but I wish he did. His mood swings are terrible – he can go from happy to angry to sad to apathetic in all of 5 minutes for no reason. I can’t remember the last time he smiled a real smile. I can’t remember the last time we had a decent conversation. I can’t remember the last time he showed me any genuine affection. Every now again he’ll have a good day and he’ll show a glimmer of the old Alex I fell in love with, but this new Alex? He’s not my favourite person.

Especially when he has an episode. In the two years we’ve lived here in Temescal, he’s had 4 outbursts, and I’ve been the only one to deal with them. The first three times I got him to take the medication that controls them a little. The last time he was already having an outburst when I got home from college and he ended up hitting me a few times. It was only a black eye and a busted lip, and he started crying when he snapped out of it and saw what he’d done to me, and he begged me for forgiveness. What could I do but forgive him? He’s got no-one but me out here, so I can’t abandon him.

I guess I’m just holding onto the hope that one day he’ll see reason and return to the Alex I knew in Senior year and the start of first year in college. But until then, I’m struggling. I’m struggling badly.

I carried on reading my book in silence, not really having much else to do. It's not like I can talk to Alex. An hour or so later, Alex sat down next to me on the sofa, surprising me a little. Surely he doesn’t have anything else to complain about?

“Dinner was really good, thank you,” Alex said softly.

Oh wow. He calmed down quickly.

“It’s okay. I know it’s one of your favourites,” I smiled.

“Sorry for acting like a dick earlier,” Alex mumbled, as if ashamed.

Double wow. This is new.

“Don’t worry about it,” I shrugged, my smile a little weaker.

Alex frowned a little but pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. I let out a soft sigh before kissing back slowly, savouring this kiss, because who knew when I’d get another one?

“Please don’t leave me, Zack,” Alex mumbled when he broke the kiss.

Woah, where is this coming from? Don’t tell me his mood swings are getting worse!

“I wouldn’t,” I frowned.

“I saw a bruise on your wrist when I sat down just now. I know it was me that did it,” Alex said sadly.

Yeah, he might’ve gripped my arm a little tight yesterday.

“A bruise will fade, Alex,” I sighed.

Alex just stared at me, before shaking his head.

“You’re too good for me,” he muttered.

We’re not having this conversation.

“Let’s watch some TV yeah?” I suggested.

Alex bit his bottom lip but nodded, and grabbed the remote. I marked the page in my book before putting it down, and took the chance to rest my hand on top of Alex’s. He pulled his hand away and put it in his lap. Well, I guess I can’t have everything.