Dark Before the Dawn

It’s been 4 days since we came back to Baltimore, meaning that yes, today is the 18th of December, and Rian’s birthday! Alex and I are going around to Ryan and Brendon’s apartment later on to celebrate with all our old friends, so that should be fun. We haven’t really done too much over the past few days to be honest. I met my dad’s new girlfriend Diane over dinner one night, and found out that she’s perfect for him. The right balance of feistiness and adoration, and she’s not afraid to show her opinion. Not to mention she bakes the best pies and desserts. Other than that, I’ve just been hanging out with Alex during the day and my dad at night. Nice and relaxing.

However, when it was time for Alex to pick me up so we could drive to Ryan and Brendon’s, Alex stopped me getting in the car.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Look, I’m not having a good morning and I don’t want to take it out on you because I promised I wouldn’t, so I’m going to drive around a bit to clear my head, okay?” Alex grunted.

I swallowed heavily. Just when things were starting to look up. Alex in a bad mood is never a good thing, especially not on medication. Especially not if we’re meant to be around friends.

“O-Okay, what do you want me to do?” I asked.

“Go to the apartment without me. Walk, for all I care. I just…I need to be by myself right now,” Alex muttered.

I bit my bottom lip, but nodded. Ryan and Brendon live half an hour away from my dad’s house. But okay.

“Alright, if that’s what you want. Please don’t be too long?” I asked softly.

Alex nodded once and drove away. I sighed and walked back inside my dad’s house to grab a hat, scarf, coat and gloves, before setting off to see our friends.

Just over half an hour later, I reached the apartment, my fingers numb but other than that okay. Ryan opened the door with surprised eyes.

“Fuck, did you walk here?” he gasped, quickly letting me in.

I just nodded, rubbing my hands together for warmth.

“Where’s Alex?” Ryan frowned.

“He had some things to do before he came,” I lied.

It’s scary how easily these lies slip out nowadays.

“If you say so. Okay, get yourself unwrapped and then come on through this door. We’re all sitting in here,” Ryan smiled.

I just nodded again.

“It’s good to see you, Zack,” Ryan said warmly.

This time, I smiled genuinely. As soon as I had taken off all my extra layers and shoes, I headed through the door that Ryan had gone through, immediately smiling. On the love seat sat Ryan, with Brendon on his lap. Rian and Jack were sitting on the three-seater sofa and in an armchair by himself was Martin. Fuck, it’s good to see these faces again.

“ZACK!” Jack shrieked.

I laughed as he launched himself at me, hugging me tightly. I patted his back until he let go, his grin not having faded.

“It’s been too long! How are you?” Jack asked excitedly.

“Yeah, I’m good. College is doing me well. How about you?” I asked politely.

“I’m great! Tay’s moving into my apartment with me next week and I can’t wait!” Jack said happily.

I just nodded. He must mean Tay Jardine, the girl he liked in high school. I didn’t even know they were dating. After a round of hugs from everyone else, I perched myself on the arm of Martin’s chair, soaking in the conversation. It really is like nothing has changed.

Then the doorbell rang. That must be Alex! I immediately scrambled off the chair and went to the front door. If he’s still in a bad mood, hopefully I can placate him before he sees our friends. Sure enough, it was Alex. He didn’t look too angry anymore, but he still didn’t look completely happy.

“Hey, how are you? Is everything…sorted now?” I asked, taking his coat and hanging it up.

“It’s getting there,” Alex nodded.

I smiled and pecked his lips, earning a small smile back. Good.

“We’re all just through here,” I said.

Alex nodded and followed me in the room. He forced a smile when everyone was greeting him, the forced smile making way for a real smile once he settled into the last seat on the sofa next to Jack. Oh well, I can sit on the arm of a chair. Ryan got up from under Brendon and went to grab a drink, conversation starting up again.

“Zack, can you go and get me a drink?” Alex asked softly.

That wasn’t a question, but I nodded. “Sure,”

He smiled and patted my knee, so I got up. Ryan didn’t say a word for me as I poured a glass of orange juice (they all know I hate the stuff, so Ryan knew it was for Alex), and then I walked back into the living room to give it to him. Alex squeezed my knee in thanks, not stopping his conversation with Rian to thank me properly. Jerk.

Then I realised that someone was looking at me, and turned my head to see Martin staring.

“Can I talk to you for a second, Zack?” Martin said quietly.

I nodded, smiling at Alex before following him out of the room. Martin immediately turned to face me with an unreadable expression.

“Since when do you flutter around Gaskarth like a frightened little bird?” Martin asked coldly.

Shit. I’d forgotten how easily he could read me, even after all this time.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said calmly.

“Bullshit. Don’t even try that with me, not with me. I saw you from my chair, taking his coat and asking him if everything was sorted. And then getting him a drink when he ordered you to? What’s happened to you, Zack? You’ve always been quiet, and completely besotted with Gaskarth…but this is different. Now you’re only doing stuff for him. You used to be a stubborn bastard with his own brain, but now you seem to just be his…fuck, his slave,”

I paled at his words. H-How could Martin notice all of that in such short time? Martin sighed at my silence, running his hand over his hair.

“I know it probably won’t count for much, but I’m worried about you. We all are, even if none of the others will say it to your face. We don’t hear from you at all, and the one time we do, you drop everything to make sure Gaskarth is okay? What’s he done to you, Zack?” Martin asked softly.

“He hasn’t done anything. Not anymore,” I mumbled.

I groaned as soon as those words left my lips. Stupid, stupid Zack! Martin immediately growled.

“What has he done to you?” Martin repeated, this time through gritted teeth.

I chewed my bottom lip. If I don’t give Martin a vague version now, he’ll just go and confront Alex – and that’s not what I want.

“He’s stopped taking his medication for his disorder. He thinks I haven’t noticed. Up until recently, his anger and mood swings have been real bad and I’ve occasionally got in the way,”

Try at least once a week. But still. Martin doesn’t need to know that. Instant panic flooded Martin’s face.

“H-Has he hurt you? Like, badly?”

I quickly shook my head. It’s never been more than bruises, after all.

“No, just a few bruises. Most the time I just had to keep him as calm as possible by cooking dinner every night and tidying the apartment every day and doing the grocery run and stuff. He’s only had one episode while not on medication and I was out of the apartment for most of it, so I’m okay,” I explained quietly.

“Fuck, Zack, you’re not okay! How can you even think that? You’re basically his slave!” Martin exasperated.

“I’m not his slave. I’m still me, I’m just…a little more wary of things. I love Alex, I always will – nothing’s going to change that,” I said firmly.

“Not even if an episode goes wrong and you end up in hospital?” Martin asked sadly.

I swallowed heavily, not knowing how to answer. If Alex put me in hospital…I don’t know what I’d do.

“I have friends I can turn to,” I eventually said.

“Really?” Martin said, disbelieving.

“Yeah, I do. Sure, I’ve only made them recently, but I’ve known three of them the whole time I’ve been at college. It’s kinda weird actually. The two guys that live below us are friends with this guy on my course and then there’s their other friends too,” I smiled.

Other friends like John. Martin stared me down for a couple of seconds, before leaning against the wall and folded his arms over his chest.

“Who is he?” Martin asked.

“E-Excuse me?” I stammered.

Holy shit, can Martin really read me that well?!

“Who is this new friend who’s got you smiling like that?” Martin repeated, this time smirking slightly.

“He’s no-one,” I mumbled, blushing slightly.

“That response kinda just proved that he is,” Martin snorted.

I blushed a little more. Should I tell Martin or…

“Look, you know that I’m the only person that will never tell Gaskarth anything. Who is he?”

I sighed softly, before smiling a little.

“His name is John. I bumped into him in the park one day after college and he flirted and it was nice. Not to mention he is beautiful. I figured I wouldn’t see him again after that and tried to forget, but then I found out he was friends with the two guys who live below me when we went to a party. We text a lot and we see each other a lot at college. John knows about…Alex’s temper. The whole group do, thanks to Kennedy, my neighbour, blurting about my bruises. But they don’t mention it, apart from occasionally saying that if I ever need anything, that I can go to them,” I explained.

Martin stayed silent for a few seconds, before smiling weakly.

“Would you go to them if you needed to?” Martin asked.

I didn’t even hesitate. “Yes,”

“Good. And…if you weren’t with Alex, would you pursue something with this John guy?” Martin asked.

“But I am with Alex, and…”

“Just hypothetically,” Martin interrupted.

I bit my bottom lip, John’s warm smile, adoring eyes and loud laugh flashing across my mind. My answer didn’t surprise me. And that was a little scary.

“Yeah, I think I would,” I said softly.

“Good. At least I know that there’s some way you can be happy,” Martin nodded gruffly.

I sighed softly and wrapped my arms around him in a gentle hug, smiling a little when he tightly hugged me back. Martin and I may have our issues, but he has always been one of my closest friends.

“If you ever need anyone to talk to, someone that won’t judge you that knows the whole situation, then please call me. Or text me. Or something. I don’t want to see you hurt, Zack,” Martin insisted, stepping out of my arms.

“I promise, Marty,” I nodded, squeezing his hands.

Martin smiled, a look of relief washing over his face, before he pecked my cheek and walked back to the living area. I can’t believe I just spilled all my secrets. But, I can trust Martin, right? If I can’t trust him, who else do I have? When I’d composed myself, I walked into the living room too, smiling slightly when Alex beckoned me over to him, squeaking when he pulled me down into his lap. While our friends laughed at my reaction, Alex just kissed my cheek.

“Is everything okay? Johnson looked a little tense when he came back,” Alex murmured.

“Everything’s fine. We were just catching up, that’s all. I haven’t spoken to him in nearly a year,” I lied slightly.

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Alex nodded.

I don’t know whether he actually bought that or if he’s just not in the mood to argue. Either way, I’m glad he’s not angry anymore. I don’t think I could handle our relationship starting to get better only for it to crumble again. To be honest, life’s pretty perfect right now. I have great friends, at home and at college, my dad is happy with his new girlfriend, and Alex is being a great boyfriend – what more could I possibly want?