Dark Before the Dawn

Christmas passed quicker than I thought, me having lunch with my dad and his new woman Diane and Alex having lunch with his family. We met up in the evening to celebrate Christmas with Rian, Jack, Martin, Brendon and Ryan in a local bar, so that was nice too. Alex and I had to leave on Boxing Day, and ever since then I’ve been pretty much on my own, since Alex has been at work and none of my college friends are back yet.

I just…I feel like I’m missing something, y’know? I feel like there’s a gap in me that there wasn’t before. It’s been like that since I talked to Martin on Rian’s birthday, and don’t understand why. Hell, I don’t even know what the gap is, but it’s starting to get on my nerves. Everything’s been so good lately – why am I suddenly feeling so different?

And it’s not like Alex has done anything bad either. He hasn’t been in a particularly bad mood since Rian’s birthday, and we’ve made love nearly every night. I can’t complain about a thing (well, apart from the fact that he hasn’t said ‘I love you’ since the first night we got back home, but still) so I don’t understand where this empty feeling has come from.

New Year’s Eve was spent with Alex and I watching a countdown party on the TV and drinking champagne together, and then we stepped out onto our balcony and watched the fireworks. It was nice, just the two of us, and I liked our New Year’s kiss. Nothing bad about that night at all.

Hopefully this feeling will just go away. Yeah. Maybe it’s just because I still have 5 days until college starts up again on the 10th of January. Maybe I just need a routine again.

Anyway, Alex just got back from work so he’s in the shower while I’m watching TV. Nothing exciting, but it’s filling up time until Alex is dressed again. All of a sudden, my phone buzzed. John. Fuck, I haven’t heard from him in days!

Happy New Year! Sorry it’s late but I’ve been super busy with my family. Are you back in Temescal yet? J x

I smiled and immediately texted back. What? I haven’t spoken to him, my friend, in a few days. I’m allowed to get excited, right?

Happy New Year to you too! Yeah, I got back on the 27th of December because Alex had to go back to work. Are you back? Z x

I chewed my bottom lip, glancing over my shoulder. Oh good, Alex hasn’t come out of the shower yet. I don’t have to feel guilty.

Fuck, you’ve been back that long? What have you been doing?! Yeah, we all travelled back together this morning. I think Kennedy and Garrett are thinking about having a pizza night tonight – want to join us? J x

Hell yes I want to join them! But…what about Alex? We’re just about getting back to how good we used to be – what if he doesn’t want me to go?

I’ve been reading ahead for my classes, taking photos, going to the gym and watching films – nothing too exciting! I’m not sure if I’m doing anything tonight already, but I’ll let you know? Z x

I wonder if Alex will actually want to spend time with me. We have just been home together and spent a lot of time together then, after all. But I don’t want to push him. The last thing I want is for him to get mad and push me away entirely, so if he wants to spend time with me, I can’t really drop that, can I?

Well now we’re back…I’m back…so you don’t have to be bored anymore :) Okay, let me know when you know. It would be great to see you and catch up! J x

I couldn’t help the smile the spread over my lips. He really does say the nicest things.

“What’s making you so happy?”

I jumped slightly, startled by the sound of Alex’s voice, before turning to face him.

“My dad was just saying how he and Diane are going on another date tonight and how much he likes her,” I lied, subtly sliding my phone into my pocket.

Alex’s frown eased into a smile. Okay, that was close. I know he still hates John, so he can never find out.

“That’s sweet. Do you think it could be serious?” Alex asked, sitting down next to me on the sofa.

“I hope so. I think she’s good for him – he needs some stability in his life,” I nodded.

“Well I hope everything works out for them,” Alex beamed, pecking my lips in a kiss.

Wow, he is in a good mood. Maybe he’s gone back on his medication…?

“And what’s making you so cheerful?” I asked hesitantly.

“I got a pay rise at work! A whole two dollars more an hour!” Alex grinned.

Oh. That’s it? It’s not like he actually needs the money. But I smiled anyway.

“That’s great babe. I told you that your hard work would pay off,” I said.

“Mm, you did. Hey, how about takeaway and a movie night? You’re not busy tonight, right?” Alex asked.

I thought about John and the pizza night…before shaking my head. No, Alex has to come first.

“No, nothing particularly planned. That can wait for another night,” I shrugged.

I hope John won’t mind.

“Good. I want Thai food – do you mind?” Alex asked.

Well I’d prefer Chinese, but whatever. It’s not like he’d change his mind for me!

“No, Thai is fine. You know what food I don’t like so just order me anything,” I replied.

Alex smiled and pecked my lips again, before walking into the bedroom to find his cellphone. I bit my bottom lip before pulling my own cellphone out and texting John.

Hey, I’m sorry but I can’t come tonight – Alex wants to have a night in together. Maybe another time? Z x

I ran my hand through my hair, rolling my head back slightly. Why should I feel guilty? Alex is my boyfriend, not John. I shouldn’t feel bad for not spending time with John when Alex wants to spend time with me. Then my phone buzzed with John’s reply.

Hey, that’s fine, I know that Alex takes priority. Definitely another time. See you soon. J x