Dark Before the Dawn

A week passed since Alex’s IED episode, 6 of those days which I spent in the hospital. I was released this morning, and John, Garrett, Kennedy, Jared and Pat picked me up, me riding in John’s Chevy Truck with him and Pat, and Jared, Kennedy and Garrett riding in Kennedy’s Dodge Charger. John had lent me a pair of jeans, a plain black t-shirt and a hoodie so I didn’t feel uncomfortable in my blood covered clothes that I’d been wearing when I entered the hospital.

Not that I didn’t feel uncomfortable with the dark bruises on my cheek and nose, the tape keeping my nose in place, the shaved section at the back of my head where they’d had to stitch it and how it hurt to breathe slightly from the fractured and broken ribs, but still. Clean clothes were at least something.

We ended up parking outside an IHOP, heading inside for breakfast pancakes. Luckily I had my wallet, cellphone and keys in my pocket when I’d been taken to the hospital. Unluckily, I only had about $4 in there.

“Don’t even think about it. I’m covering you,” John murmured in my ear as we sat down.

“No,” I said softly, “I’ll just have…coffee, or something,”

“Not a chance. You’re recovering and you need real food,” John said seriously.

I looked up at him and realised he wasn’t going to give in, so I nodded.

“Fine. But I’m paying you back,” I said stubbornly.

John smiled. “Sure, take your time,”

I grunted and bumped my shoulder against his, making him laugh and bump me back. Pat winked at me across the table but I managed to control my blush to the bare minimum. Thankfully, the waitress came over that very second.

“Welcome to the International House of Pancakes! Do you guys know what you want to order?”

The guys ordered round in a circle, ending with me. But when the girl’s eyes landed on my face she gasped, her eyes going wide in shock. I pressed my lips together in a straight line to avoid saying something I’d regret and looked straight down at the table, forcing myself not to cry. John noticed this and scowled.

“He’ll have the Breakfast Sampler like me, with water and a black coffee,” John snapped.

The girl blushed slightly but nodded, scribbling down the order as she scuttled away.

“Hey, it’s okay, ignore the judgemental bitch,” Kennedy soothed, rubbing my hand across the table.

I sniffed and nodded, blinking away my tears. I can do this. I’m stronger than this. 15 minutes later our orders arrived. I pretended not to notice that I had an extra piece of everything in what I assume is meant to be an apology. I didn’t talk much as we ate, but it wasn’t out of awkwardness. I just wanted to hear their friendly banter around me, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. I’m not really sure how Garrett balancing a sausage link on his nose or Kennedy and Jared teasing Pat about his need to cover everything in red sauce managed that, but it did. John stayed mainly silent too, just squeezing my knee every now and again, as if to let me know that everything was fine.

An hour or so later we finished, and they paid the bill. I really will pay John back. I don’t like owing people money like this.

“So, are you ready?” Pat asked as we walked out of the building.

I sighed but nodded. Clearing my stuff out of Alex’s apartment wasn’t exactly going to be the easiest job in the world, or most painless, but I knew it had to be done. For my sake.

Yeah, I’m moving out. Last night, just after the doctor had given me the all clear to leave this morning, the 5 of them sat down around me and expressed their opinions on how they thought that I needed to be separate from Alex for a while. This episode, no matter how unintentional, has hurt me emotionally as well as physically and I need to be away from Alex to heal. After much debating, a little yelling and a lot of crying, I agreed.

I trust them. And after Alex beating me unconscious, I don’t trust him. I can’t trust him, not now I know just how long he hasn’t been taking his medication for. I don’t know whether this will be permanent or just temporary, but I know that it needs to happen. I have been getting nightmares about the episode, after all, and that isn’t good. I can't be around him until I know everything is better.

It didn’t take long to get to the apartment, and thankfully Alex wasn’t inside. Jared had managed to swipe two dozen cardboard boxes from the college and I know I’ll have bags I can fill stuff with if it doesn’t all fit.

“Alright, um, everything in the left cabinet in the bathroom is mine, as well as the purple toothbrush, the blue soap and the strawberry shower stuff. Out of the four wardrobes in the bedroom, the two on the left are mine, and the top two drawers in the dresser are mine as well. I’ll sort out the DVDs and kitchen stuff. My office needs to be cleared too? There’s none of Alex’s stuff in there,” I said softly.

They all nodded, so we set to work. I found myself crying again as I packed away cups and forks and spoons and plates and stuff that I’d bought for me and stuff that I’d brought from home. I didn’t touch anything that Alex bought for us. It didn’t feel right. Overall we packed up in just over an hour, thanks to there being 6 hands instead of 1, and then it took only another half an hour to ferry all the boxes down to the cars. When the final boxes were ready to be taken down, Jared, Kennedy, Garrett and Pat left the apartment, each carrying a box, but John stayed, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“We’ll be down by the cars, okay? You can take one last look around the apartment or something,” John murmured.

I smiled my thanks, watching him leave. Then I took the time to let my eyes wash over the beautiful apartment. I can’t believe this is happening. Nearly 3 years here and I’m leaving. Without Alex.

“Thank fuck the cops have stopped questioning me and have dropped the charges – I thought they’d listen when you said that it wasn’t me! Thanks for that by the way,” Alex smiled.

Holy shit, he’s back?! Where did he come from?! How did he not bump into the guys with all my stuff?!

“Fuck, you’re so bruised up,” Alex groaned.

I paled slightly, clutching the final cardboard box to my chest, ignoring the sharp pains it sent through my ribs. Alex frowned slightly at my frozen figure, before looking at the box. Then his eyes widened and he ran past me. Tears pricked at my eyes as I heard him opening and slamming doors, a lone tear trickling down my cheek as I heard him running back over to me.

“Y-You’re leaving?” Alex choked.

I bit my bottom lip, but nodded.

“I think it’s for the best, don’t you?” I said quietly.

“But I didn’t mean it! You know I didn’t! It was the IED!” Alex protested.

“The IED that wouldn’t have put me in hospital if you were taking your medication. I had broken ribs, a fractured cheekbone, a broken nose, severe bruising and a gash at the back of my head which lost me a lot of blood, Alex. I can’t pretend that everything’s okay anymore. I can’t pretend that I’m safe around you,” I whispered.

Alex flinched backwards like he’d been slapped, a look of hurt passing across his face.

“You really don’t feel safe around me?” he whimpered.

“Not after this episode, no,” I said softly.

Tears sprung to Alex’s eyes, only making me feel worse. But John, Kennedy, Garrett, Jared and Pat are right. I need time to heal mentally and emotionally, as well as physically.

“Look, Lex, I’m not saying that I’m gone forever. I’m going until you’re in control again. I need time, and so do you,” I sighed.

“So we’re on a break?” Alex asked hesitantly.

“Yeah. A break. I’m not saying we will get back together but I’m not saying we won’t. That’s up to you, Alex. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do with your life,” I said.

“Okay. I can do that,” Alex said quickly.

“I mean it, Lex. Don’t do this for me. Do this for you,” I insisted.

Alex swallowed heavily but nodded.

“Where are you going to stay? I’ve always paid for everything for you,” Alex asked worriedly.

“I don’t know. John said he’d sort something out but I don’t know. Hopefully I can get financial aid from the college but I don’t know,” I shrugged.

I saw Alex grimace slightly at John’s name but then he looked like he was thinking hard.

“Do you still have your old bank account?” he asked.

“With about $200 in yeah. Why?” I frowned.

“No reason. Um, just…be careful, okay? I’m never going to forgive myself for what I did to you and I’m going to miss you like hell,” Alex sniffed.

Why does this sound like goodbye? Why is he saying goodbye?

“This isn’t goodbye,” I blurted.

Alex smiled weakly.

“I fucking well hope it isn’t,” Alex replied.

I whimpered. “I love you, Alex,”

“And I love you,” Alex said, smiling sadly.

I couldn’t stop the tears that fell down my cheeks this time and quickly put down the cardboard box before pressing my lips firmly to Alex’s. He whimpered and clutched my face, desperately kissing me back. I don’t know how long we were kissing for, but when Alex pulled back his lips were swollen and his eyes were bloodshot with tears. I knew I looked no better.

“Go. Please. Go now before I don’t have the strength to let you,”

I choked a sob but nodded, stepping out of his arms. With one final look at him I grabbed the box before running out of the apartment. I burst into tears as soon as I was in the elevator, my hands shaking so much that it was hard to hold the box. As soon as I stepped out I noticed John standing by the entrance doors talking on the phone. As soon as he noticed my distraught figure he frowned.

“Thank you, so much. I’ll sort out of the rest of the details when I get back to campus this afternoon,” John said into his phone.

He ended the call and slid his phone into his pocket before running over to me.

“Hey, ssh, what’s wrong?” he murmured, cupping my face with his hands.

I just shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. John bit his bottom lip but put his arm around me, guiding me outside to where the cars were parked.

“Pat, Garrett and Kennedy have already left with half of your stuff,” he told me, opening the door for me.

I just nodded. John squeezed my shoulder, before throwing his car keys to Jared.

“You’re driving,” he said simply.

Jared looked surprised but got in the driver’s side, and John put my box under the secured netting in the back of his truck before helping me in the car, getting in himself after. The short drive to John’s campus dormitory was spend with me crying into John’s chest, John rubbing my back to calm me. It kinda worked, enough so that I could stop crying when Jared parked outside John’s building. As soon as Jared got out the truck, John lifted me up to look at him.

“Everything’s going to be alright, I promise,” he said softly.

“Alex was my first love – I don’t know how easily I’m going to get over that, or if I even can!” I hiccupped.

John smiled weakly but nodded.

“I know. We’re all just here to help you, okay? We’re your friends, Zack, we’re here to help you get over him with pizza, beers, bad movies and hugs. You’ll be okay,” John reassured.

Something in his words made me believe him so I took a deep breath and attempted a smile. I don’t think it was a particularly convincing smile but John smiled back anyway.

“Come on, let’s get your stuff out,” John said.

“We’re getting my stuff out here? Why?” I asked, confused.

“Remember my dorm mate dropped out? Well, I’ve sorted out with the accommodations office that you’ll be working 6 hours, 4 times a week, in their office just filing and stuff to pay for your rent. And you should have a little left over every week to be able to buy food with. I know it’s not much but it’s the best I could think of,” John apologised.

Holy shit.

“You did that for me?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah, I did. I told you that we’re here to help you out. I know your lifestyle with Alex is completely different to what we can offer you, but we help each other out in whatever way we can. Arizona hospitality, as my momma calls it. You don’t care that you have to work 4 times a week in a stuffy office?” John asked, worried.

“I have somewhere to stay and I don’t have to worry about paying for it with money I don’t have – I’m way more than grateful,” I replied, smiling shyly.

“Great! Okay, so I have pretty much everything that we need for a dorm because my assbutt ex-dormmate left a load of his stuff behind, but I’m hoping in here you have a blanket, some plates and utensils, some hangers, an internet cable – we don’t have wireless, some bedding, a pillow and a towel?” John asked.

“Uh, I think I packed the plates and utensils, I don’t think I have any hangers or an internet cable, and I don’t know what's been packed concerning bedding, pillow or a towel,” I listed.

“Alright, well we can sort out the rest of that stuff when we get you unpacked. And I’m sure I know people in the campus shops that can give us discount on stuff that you do need to buy,” John smiled.

“Thank you. Seriously. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you,” I said softly.

John’s hesitation made me think I said the wrong thing, but then he blushed and smiled, so maybe I only said something a little wrong.

“HEY SLACKERS! GET YOUR ASSES CARRYING BOXES UPSTAIRS BEFORE PAT BREAKS SOMETHING!”

Was that Garrett? Where did he yell that from?!

“Typical Garrett yelling from my window. We’d better get up there before he gets us kicked out,” John chuckled, picking up a box from the truck bed.

I picked two up and smiled as Jared and Kennedy walked out the building and over to us. After the whirlwind that this week has been, I really hope that this works out. It has to work out. What will I do if it doesn’t?