Dark Before the Dawn

I’ve been living on campus for just about a week now, the first few days of March creeping past. I’ll admit it is a little strange to be constantly surrounded by students, but John and all the people on our dorm floor have been really welcoming, and Pat and Jared come by every morning, not to mention Garrett and Kennedy visiting every couple of days. It’s been hard trying to adjust, waking up without Alex nuzzling into my neck or singing to himself in the shower, but I’m getting there. I think.

After classes I headed straight up to my dorm, just wanting to relax for the evening. John has later classes than me today so he won’t be back for a little while, but I think I can deal with that. As soon as I got into my dorm though, my phone started ringing. Dad. Shit. I haven’t spoken to him since Alex’s episode. That was two weeks ago. With a groan I dumped my bag on the floor and sat down on my bed, getting myself comfortably before I answered.

“Hey dad,” I said softly.

“Is there a reason you’ve been too busy to talk to your old man?” my dad asked teasingly.

I know he’s only joking, but a lump still rose in my throat.

“Um, yeah. There is,” I mumbled.

I didn’t need my dad to be in front of me to know that his face changed from smiling to frowning.

“What’s wrong, Zack? What’s been happening?” he asked worriedly.

I bit my bottom lip, tears springing to my eyes, before the floodgates opened. I told him about Alex’s IED episode, how I found out just how little medication he’d been taking and how he flipped out when he caught me. I told him about how Alex put me in hospital and the injuries that I received. I told him about how I would probably be in a worse shape if Kennedy and Garrett hadn’t stopped Alex and called an ambulance. I told him how my new friends hadn’t left my side once, how John had organised for me to stay in his dorm, and how I didn’t have to worry about the money because of my small job. I told him about how my heart has broken and how I don’t know if it’ll ever heal, especially not after seeing Alex so upset when I moved all my stuff out. And I told him that I feel safer than I have done in years, more than I realised.

“Y-You really lived with all that, under that abuse, and you didn’t tell me? You could’ve been killed and I would never have known how bad it was!” my dad said incredulously.

“It wasn’t abuse Dad. And it wasn’t Alex’s fault – his disorder was controlling him. It’s just different now, that’s all,” I said firmly.

“Fuck, Zachary. Give an old man a heart attack why don’t you! I should go over to that boy’s parents place and tell them exactly what he’s done to you!” my dad growled.

“Please don’t. It’s not worth it. I’m out of there now and staying with friends. I’ll live,” I begged, tears springing to my eyes.

My dad was silent for a few seconds before he sighed softly.

“You really love him, don’t you?” he said softly.

I whimpered softly, not expecting those words. Not expecting them to be so true.

“So much,” I choked.

“I wish I was there to help you. I wish I knew what to do to make this alright,” my dad sighed.

“Even I don’t know what to do to make it alright,” I said bitterly.

“Are your friends looking after you? Are they helping?”

I thought of Kennedy’s warm words, Garrett’s late-night beers, Jared’s supply of jokes, Pat’s impromptu hugs and John’s beaming smile.

“Yeah, they’re helping. I couldn’t ask for better friends,” I said warmly.

“That’s…good. That’s good. Is there anything else you want to tell me?” he asked gruffly.

Emotions and bonding sessions like this aren’t exactly my dad’s forte. I’m surprised he lasted this long.

“Nah, that’s it. I’ll keep you posted on any new developments,” I mused.

“Alright, make sure you do. Love you Zachary,” he said.

“Love you too Dad,” I replied sadly.

He ended the call straight after that. I quickly turned off my phone, and headed straight to the place where I knew I could just lose myself. The campus gym – yeah, a gym right next door to my building that I get free access of. I spent two hours working out in there, getting back into the proper working out routine that I had in high school (I didn’t have time when I lived with Alex), as well as working out all the stress that admitting everything to my dad had built up. The gym has showers in the changing room so I had a quick shower there before heading back up to my dorm again, high-fiving a couple of people as I went, even though I didn’t know them. Students are so strange.

But as soon as I turned my phone back on, I got a flood of text messages. What the fuck?

From: Rian Dawson
To: Zack Merrick

Hey, are you okay? Just seen Gaskarth back in town visiting his parents and he looks miserable. What’s going on? You know you can talk to me x

~

From: Brendon Urie
To: Zack Merrick

Alex just told me what happened – well, he saw me and RyRo and started going into a mumbling fit about ‘not again’ and ‘didn’t mean it’ and ‘Pete’ and we figured out what happened. Are you okay? Talk to me x

~

From: Ryan Ross
To: Zack Merrick

Hey Zack. I’m pretty sure that Bren’s texted you by now, but are you okay? We saw Alex and figured out what happened. You broke up with him after, didn’t you? Are you okay? x

~

From: Jack Barakat
To: Zack Merrick

Zack! RiRi just told me what happened between you and Gaskarth – are you okay? Talk to me! X

~

From: Martin Johnson
To: Zack Merrick

I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill him and resurrect him and kill him again for hurting you. Please, let me know that you’re okay x

~

I whimpered at their texts, not understanding how they’ve realised everything so quickly. Alex must be visiting home or something. Fuck. I don’t want to talk to any of them, not even by text, but I know that Martin’s the only one that might actually follow through with his threats. So I texted him back.

From: Zack Merrick
To: Martin Johnson

Hey. I’m okay, well, now anyway. Alex put me in hospital so I broke up with him and moved out. We’re technically on a break but whatever. I’m okay x

I chewed my bottom lip as I waited for Martin’s reply. I know he won’t take long, not about this. Sure enough, he replied within 30 seconds.

From: Martin Johnson
To: Zack Merrick

He put you in hospital?! That’s it. He’s dead. And you moved out? Where are you living?! X

I choked a sob at his overreaction. Trust Martin to go a little crazy.

From: Zack Merrick
To: Martin Johnson

Don’t kill him. He’s putting himself through enough already. And I told you I have people I can rely on out here, friends that have helped me out. I’m staying with one of them x

Martin won’t figure it out, right? He won’t figure out that I’m staying with John…

From: Martin Johnson
To: Zack Merrick

It’s that John guy, isn’t it? The one you told me about? You’re staying with him, aren’t you? Is he treating you okay? I’ll kick his ass too if he isn’t x

Then I heard the dorm door opening and I barely had time to close the text before John walked in. He smiled when he saw me, but that smile quickly turned to a frown at the distress on my face.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” John asked worriedly, immediately coming over to sit next to me on my bed.

Are you okay? I’ve been asked this so many times in the last 10 minutes…

“No, not really,” I replied softly.

…and this is the only time I’ve wanted to answer truthfully.

“What happened?” John asked.

“Alex must’ve gone home because all our friends saw him. They figured out that he had an episode because he said something about the first time he put a guy in hospital and he looked miserable too. All 5 of them texted me and I got a bit overwhelmed, that’s all. Not mentioning the fact that I told my dad about everything,” I sighed.

John winced slightly. At least he isn’t sugar-coating me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” John asked softly.

“Not really,” I mumbled.

John nodded, squeezing my shoulder gently.

“You’ll get through this, Zack. I know you will,” John reassured.

“You really think so?” I asked weakly.

“Yeah. You’ll get there,” John nodded, smiling.

“Thank you,” I said.

“No problem. I’m here for you, you know that. If there anything I can do to help you in any way, more than what I’ve already done, I’ll do it,” John said firmly.

I bit my bottom lip, nodding. I have no doubt that John means every word he says.

“Thank you,” I repeated, a little softer this time.

“Any time. I’m gonna go grab some takeaway food. Do you want anything?” John asked, standing up from my bed.

Alex would’ve chosen for me or disregarded my choices. John isn’t Alex.

“Sweet and sour pork with egg fried rice?” I asked hopefully.

“Sure thing. It’ll probably take, like 30 minutes or something, but I’ll get back as soon as possible. Why don’t you try to sleep or something? You look exhausted,” John suggested, frowning slightly.

“But I haven’t put away my laundry or tidied up!” I replied, confused.

Alex hated when I left a mess around.

“Dude, we’re students. Being tidy isn’t a priority. Get some rest,” John mused.

John isn’t Alex.

“Okay, I will. See you later,” I replied quietly.

John grabbed his wallet, cellphone and keys from his bag and sent a wink my way before he left the dorm. I looked down at my own cellphone, remembering that I hadn’t texted Martin back.

From: Zack Merrick
To: Martin Johnson

Yeah, it’s John. And there’s no need to kick any ass – he’s treating me so well. Please don’t tell anyone else. All our group have texted me about what’s happened with Alex but I don’t want to talk to them right now. Can you just tell them that we broke up but I’m okay? I just…I’m still figuring things out x

As soon as the text was sent, I kicked off my shoes, laid down and closed my eyes, hoping for the sleep that John suggested. I can get through this. I’m a stronger person than I was when I first met Alex, so I can get over him now. I can do this. I know I can.