Dark Before the Dawn

“Mm, morning,”

John kissed the back of my neck before rolling bare naked out of my bed, heading straight for the bathroom. My fingers lightly brushed over where his lips just landed, before I sat up in bed myself. Spring Break ended yesterday, April 4th, and we spent most of that day driving from Tempe back to Oakland. Remember that talk John and I were meant to have the morning after we slept together? It never happened. We’re still sleeping together though. It’s probably not the best course of action, but after having sex at least once every day for the past 6 days, I think it’s a little far gone.

We will have to talk about what’s happening between us at some point, but not right now.

I just don’t know what to do. I still love Alex – everyone knows that, hell, even John knows that – but John just makes me feel no pressure, no stress. John makes me feel at ease with everything, makes me feel happy without making me earn that happiness. Alex is fire, blowing hot and cold, never knowing which way he’s going to go, while John is calm sunshine, making everything better with a hug and smile, while still promising more. I thought it would be easy to choose – but after everything I’ve been through, I honestly don’t know.

So I’m just not going to think about it for now. That’s the best option, right?

I yawned and pulled a clean pair of boxer briefs on, but before I could walk over to my wardrobe, my phone rang. Pat. Huh.

“Hello?”
“Hi! I didn’t wake you up, did I?”
“Nah, I’m awake,”
“Good! Is John still in your bed or is he in the shower?”

I blushed heavily, glad that John wasn’t in the room to see this reaction. I don’t know whether to be relieved or embarrassed that John’s our friends know that we’re sleeping together, but it sure is a little weird how well Pat knows our routines.

“In the shower,”
“Ah well, you can tell him when he’s out. I still haven’t caught up on the reading we were meant to have done – what you read on the journey back yesterday – but Jared needs to go into town to get some groceries and some other bits, so would you two want to go with him?”

I bit my bottom lip and looked over at mine and John’s mini fridge. I don’t think there’s much in there, so we probably need to stock up too.

“Sure, tell Jared we’ll meet him out front in half an hour,”
“Sweet! I’ll see you later,”
“Later,”

*

“Ooh, ooh, can we go in here? Two of my guitar strings snapped and I need to replace them,” Jared asked hopefully.

I looked up at the music shop name and paled slightly. You’ve got to be kidding me.

“What’s wrong, Zack?” John asked, confused.

“This is where Alex works,” I whispered.

John smiled weakly.

“He might not be working today,” John pointed out.

I bit my bottom lip, but nodded. It’s true, he might not be working.

Jared grinned and walked into the shop. I followed John in, keeping an eye out. It’s not that I’m scared of seeing Alex – I’m really not – I just don’t know what I’d say to him.

“Z-Zack?”

Ah shit.

“Go,” John urged.

“What?” I frowned.

“Go talk to him. I know you want to,” John replied.

“But what about…”

Us.

“Just go. I’ll be with Jared,” John smiled.

Fuck, he’s such an amazing person. I took a deep breath before turning around to where Alex’s voice had come from, my stomach flipping as my eyes locked on him. He looks good. He looks really good. John squeezed my shoulder in encouragement before walking away, so I gather my nerves and walked over to Alex, shoving my hands into my jeans to hide that they’re shaking.

“Hi,” Alex said softly.

“Hi,” I replied.

Nice start.

“How have you been?” Alex asked cautiously.

“Okay. I’ve been okay. I spent Spring Break in Arizona,” I said.

“With John?” Alex asked in a tone I couldn’t place.

“Well, technically I stayed at Pat’s house, but uh…”

I trailed off awkwardly. So much for a nice start.

“Are you with John now?” Alex asked.

“Not exactly,” I mumbled.

“Ah…so you’re sleeping with John,” Alex said.

I bit my bottom lip, averting my eyes briefly as I blushed lightly.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked quietly.

“I don’t think anyone can say that I don’t deserve it,” Alex shrugged.

“That’s not what I meant,” I said.

Alex sighed softly. “No, I’m not mad at you. I think it’s clear to everyone just how much he likes you, and you deserve someone that treats you right,”

“I’m not dating him. I don’t think I ever will,” I said even quieter than before.

“Why not?” Alex frowned.

“Because I love you,” I mumbled.

Alex smiled weakly. That’s a good sign, right?

“I don’t deserve that,” he said quietly.

Not so good then.

“Yes you do,” I insisted.

Alex swallowed heavily, flicking his fringe out of his eyes.

“I am trying, you know. I went back home for a week when we first broke up, and I told my parents everything. Everything. My mom was horrified and wouldn’t talk to me for a couple of days, and my dad just looked so…disappointed. I think they both know that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My dad eventually suggested getting anger management classes, so I’m going to them now, twice a week. I’ve also got some of the best doctors in the country looking into alternative medication for me, instead of the 6 different pills I have now. I am trying, Zack. I am trying to get better,” Alex explained.

“That’s good, Lex. That’s real good,” I said, trying to smile as tears formed in my eyes.

“Please don’t cry. I’ll never forgive myself for what I did to you, for the past few years and for the attack that put you in hospital,” Alex said sadly.

I just shook my head. “I forgive you,”

Before Alex could reply, John cleared his throat from across the store.

“We’ve gotta go. We still need to get food,” he announced.

“Okay, I’ll be right out,” I replied.

John nodded, glancing warily at Alex, before walking out the shop.

“Go. I’ll, um, I’ll let you know when I’m more in control, okay?” Alex suggested.

“I’d like that. I miss you, Lex,” I said softly.

“Miss you too,” he replied just as softly.

And with that, I walked quickly out of the store, not wanting to stay any longer. Alex is trying. And he misses me. And he’s still as beautiful as ever. Fuck, why is this so hard?

“Are you okay?” John asked, when I reached them.

I thought I was. But now, after seeing Alex, I really don’t know.

“I’m fine,” I lied, smiling weakly.

John gave me a look that screamed bullshit, but linked his arm with mine anyway. I glanced one last time over my shoulder before starting to walk away from the shop. Fuck. This has messed everything up. I thought my head was starting to sort itself out after I left Alex, but now? Now I have no idea what I’m doing.