Dark Before the Dawn

For the rest of the day after seeing Alex, I couldn’t get him out of my head. Seeing him after so long reignited something inside me, and I just couldn’t let it go. So after a night of barely sleeping, I knew what I had to do.

I have to go and see Alex again.

As soon as John left for class, I texted Pat.

Not feeling too well today, so I don’t think I’ll make it to class. Can you take notes for me? X

I didn’t wait for a reply before getting dressed and leaving the dorm. It didn’t take long to catch a bus over to the apartment. I still have a key – I’m hoping Alex hasn’t changed the locks. I bit my bottom lip as I got the elevator up to our the floor, unlocking the front door with my breath held.

Huh. He’s not here. I swear he doesn’t work on Mondays.

I shut the door behind me anyway and walked further into the apartment, before gasping. Holy shit, the apartment is filthy! Dishes piled up in the sink, dirty clothes piled up everywhere, empty bottles and containers all over the coffee table…fuck. I can’t leave it like this.

I’ll just have to clean up while I wait for him to come back.

~

2 hours later, I was putting the last of the glasses back into the kitchen cupboards. Fuck, that was a lot of cleaning.

“Zack? What are you doing here?!”

I spun on my heels, smiling shyly at the sight of Alex hanging his jacket up. I knew he didn’t work Mondays.

“I came to see you. I needed to see you,”

“But you saw me yesterday,” Alex frowned.

“I know, but…seeing you yesterday made me realise how much I missed you. And since you weren’t here, I thought I’d tidy up a bit. I’ve missed you so much,” I murmured, stepping towards him.

Alex’s breath hitched as I placed my hands on his hips, clutching at his t-shirt. I don’t really know what I’m doing, I’ll be honest – but I do know that I don’t want to stop.

“T-This isn’t a good idea, Zack. I’m not better yet,” Alex stammered.

I just pressed myself against his body, smiling slightly as Alex’s eyes fluttered shut for a few seconds.

“Zack, I…”

Alex trailed off, his breathing shaky.

“Do you want me to go?” I asked quietly.

If he doesn’t want me, I’m leaving and I’m not coming back. I can take a hint.

“No,” Alex said, shaking his head as his pupils dilated with lust.

I grinned and dropped to my knees.

*

“Zack, I really think we should talk,” Alex said softly, handing me my shirt.

I just nodded, trying not to wince as I pulled it over my head. I’m so going to have bruises on my hips and shoulders from where he bent me over the kitchen counter. And the kitchen table. And the bathroom counter. And the end of our the bed.

“Why did you come here, Zack? Was it just for sex?” Alex sighed.

Ouch. That hurt.

“Of course it wasn’t. How could you think that?” I asked, pouting.

“Sorry, it’s just…I don’t see you for two months, and then we’re having crazy hot sex? It was unexpected, that’s all,” Alex said with a weak smile.

I guess he has a point.

“I know, I didn’t expect it either. I just…I wanted to see you. I wanted to see how you were, outside of work,” I admitted.

“I’m getting better,” Alex said simply.

I nodded, hoping for more.

“It was easier without you,” Alex admitted.

O-Okay, I wasn’t expecting that. A lump rose in my throat at the slight guilt in his eyes. He wasn’t lying. It really was easier for him without me. But what does that mean?

“Look, I love you, Zack. I think I always will. But you were right – you said so many times that I should be trying to get better for me, not for you. Without you around, I’ve actually been able to start getting better. I think my love for you was blinding me,” Alex said softly.

Tears sprung to my eyes at his words. I don’t like where this is going, not one bit.

“W-What are you saying?” I whimpered.

“I think…I think we’re better off as friends,” Alex said.

No! No he doesn’t mean that!

“You don’t mean that,” I choked.

Alex sighed, running his hand through his hair. I don’t care that he looks like saying this is killing him. He can’t do this!

“I do, Zack. In the long term, it’ll mean that neither of us will keep getting hurt. We’re a chaotic relationship, Zack. There’s no easy middle, there hasn’t been for a long time, and it isn’t healthy,” Alex said sadly.

No!

“Please don’t do this! I need you!” I begged.

Alex made a soft sound of protest, a look of anguish spreading across his cheeks.

“I don’t need you anymore,” he said, looking me right in the eyes.

I jerked backwards at his words, feeling like I’d been slapped. Wow. Just…wow. Fine, if that’s the way he feels I’m not going to waste any more of my time.

“Fine,” I muttered, grabbing my jacket from the back of a chair.

“Zack, wait, don’t be mad,” Alex said softly.

“Don’t be mad?! You just told me you don’t need me anymore after we had incredible sex! How the fuck am I supposed to be happy about that?!” I spat.

“You’re the one that left!” Alex retorted.

“I said we should go on a break because you beat me up so bad that I ended up in hospital! I’ve been trying to sort my head out and I was hoping that you’d do the same so we could deal with our problems! I didn’t want us to break up for good!” I spluttered.

“Then why have you been sleeping with John?” Alex asked, cocking his head.

I pressed my lips together as the tears that had been threatening to fall trickled down my cheeks.

“Whatever, Alex. It’s clear how you feel. I’m just sorry I wasted another two months messed up over you. I won’t make that mistake again,” I growled.

Alex reached out a hand towards me but I batted it away, quickly leaving the apartment. It was only in the elevator down that I realised I was sobbing. I can’t believe it. Alex broke up with me for good. He doesn’t want me any more.

What the fuck am I meant to do now?