Dark Before the Dawn

“I think we’re better off as friends,”

“In the long term, it’ll mean that neither of us will keep getting hurt. We’re a chaotic relationship, Zack. There’s no easy middle, there hasn’t been for a long time, and it isn’t healthy,”

“I don’t need you anymore,”

All I could think of on my fast walk back to campus was Alex’s words, repeating over and over again in my head. How could he make love to me so many times and say those horrible things straight after? How could he treat me like this after I forgave him for what he did? How could he reject my love when he’s said so many times before that he loves me too?

I ignored all the strange looks fellow students sent my way as I ran sobbing up into mine and John’s dorm, sending a prayer of thanks that John wasn’t in here too. I can’t face him right now. Not after going back to Alex when I said I was done. Not after sleeping with Alex again after sleeping with John. I don’t…I just…I need to talk to someone who won’t judge me.

I need Martin.

Wiping the tears from my cheeks with shaky hands, I scrambled to get my cellphone out of my pocket, dialling the familiar number, biting the inside of my cheek until he answered.

“Zack? What’s up?”

I laughed weakly, tears filling my eyes at the concern in his voice.

“Why do you think something is wrong whenever I call you?”

“Because it usually is?” Martin said sadly.

I just burst into tears again, Martin immediately making soothing noises and words of nonsense.

“Talk to me,” he said softly.

Through more tears and sobs, I explained my morning to him. How I skipped class and went over to Alex’s. How I cleaned because Alex had left our apartment filthy. How Alex came home and I pretty much launched myself at him. How he didn’t stop me and we made love over and over again. And how Alex said those hateful words after we were dressed and ended us for good. I could barely get my words out by the end of my explanation, but when I’d finished Martin was silent for a few seconds.

“Are you sure he meant what he said?” he eventually asked.

“Yes!” I spluttered, “You didn’t see the look in his eyes!”

“Okay, okay, ssh. I just…I can’t believe he did that. For all his faults, Gaskarth has never let you go. Not willingly. So for him to do this now, after everything the two of you have been through, it doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe he really is trying to make himself better,”

“What do you mean?” I choked.

“He’s always done everything for you, Zack. He only tried to fit in during Senior Year after he met you. He moved to Oakland to be with you. He paid for everything, separated himself from his parents and got a random job out there just to make you happy. Maybe it’s time he tries to do something for himself,”

I whimpered before I could stop myself, tears trickling down my cheeks again.

“You were right – you said so many times that I should be trying to get better for me, not for you. Without you around, I’ve actually been able to start getting better. I think my love for you was blinding me,”

Oh God. Alex said words so similar! But…But how can it be right if we’re not together.

“Maybe it’s time you moved on too,” Martin said quietly.

“What if I can’t?” I asked.

“How will you know if you don’t try?” Martin countered.

Before I could reply, the door to the dorm opened.

“John’s back,” I mumbled.

“Talk to him. He’ll help you through this, as a friend or otherwise,” Martin said firmly.

“But…”

“Talk to him. I’ll call you tomorrow,” Martin interrupted.

And with that, he ended the call, just as John walked into the room.

“Hey! Pat told me you weren’t feeling well so you skipped class but then I got a text from a guy down the hall saying he saw you running in here crying so I thought I’d…”

John stopped his ramble as he took in my broken appearance, the red rims around my eyes. Then he sighed, his shoulders slumping slightly.

“You went to see Alex, didn’t you?” he asked softly.

I just nodded. There’s no point lying to him.

“What happened?”

“We slept together. Multiple times. Then he told me that he doesn’t need me anymore and that we’re better off as friends,” I said.

John winced. Oh good, someone understands my pain.

“And you left?”

“I left. I wasn’t sticking around where I’m not wanted,”

“Why did you come back here?”

“What do you…why wouldn’t I come back here?”

“I would’ve thought being around me would be the last thing you want right now,” John said with a sad smile.

“I didn’t want us to break up for good!” I spluttered.

“Then why have you been sleeping with John?” Alex asked, cocking his head.

I shook my head to get rid of Alex’s words, looking away from John.

“I don’t know. I just found myself running back here,”

It’s true. I could’ve gone anywhere, but I came back here out of instinct. What does that mean?

“What do you want me to do?” John asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

“What?” I frowned.

“Do you want me to back off? I can’t imagine you’d want me in your bed every night now,” John said awkwardly.

I felt a horrible twist in my gut at his words. Does he…does he only think I’ve been fucking him as a fill-in for Alex? Shit.

“That’s not how I think of you, John,” I said softly, making sure to look at him so he could see I was serious.

John stared back for a couple of seconds, before nodding. Good.

“Look, I can’t imagine that breaking up with Alex for good is going to be easy for you – hell, I know how much you love him – but I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Whether that’s as a lover or as a friend. I’m here for you, Zack. However you want me,” John said softly, resting his hand on my shoulder.

Just like Martin said.

I rested my hand on top of his, squeezing it gently, to say thanks.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I admitted, running my hand through my hair.

“Take it a day at a time. Don’t dwell too much on the future. Let’s get our final year at college finished before deciding, hmm? You’ve got your whole life ahead of you to decide stuff – just live in the moment,” John suggested.

“Easier said than done,” I mumbled.

“How do you know if you don’t try?” John replied, raising an eyebrow.

I couldn’t help but smile slightly, earning a wide smile back. Maybe I can get through this after all.