Dark Before the Dawn

It had been 3 days since I spoke to Brendon. Three days filled with me angsting and moping in my dorm with John desperately trying to cheer me up, Pat and Jared trying too. I just…I can’t break out of my funk. Not until I know that Alex is okay. I shouldn’t care, should I? I shouldn’t care what happens to him, not after everything he’s done. But I can’t help it. He’ll always have my heart, or at least a part of it.

So I guess I’ll just be sullen for now.

“Andy at the gym asked where you were again. I think he’s got a crush,” John teased, shutting the dorm door behind himself.

“He’ll get over it,” I shrugged.

Andy’s cute, but not that cute. It doesn’t help that he likes people to call him Butcher. What kind of name is that?!

“I’m serious. You need to get out of this room,” John said simply.

“I can do push ups and sit ups in here. I’m not leaving…”

“…Until you hear about Alex. I know,” John muttered, interrupting.

I winced as he headed straight into the bathroom, a slight wave of guilt washing over me. I know John and I aren’t together, but we are close – very close – and it can’t be easy for him hearing me talk non-stop about Alex like I have been for the past few days.

He’s too good for me.

I heard the shower turn on and sighed, knowing I’d have to wait to apologise to John now. He has the patience of a saint with me, I swear, but I can’t keep pushing him like this. I can’t lose him too.

I’d barely gotten comfortable on my chair before my phone started ringing. Brendon. Holy shit. He’s found out about Alex. I didn’t hesitate about answering.

“Hello?”
“Zack! Oh fuck, I’m glad you answered,”

I won’t admit I’ve been waiting.

“What did you find out?”

I might as well be blunt.

“Alex…”

Brendon choked a sob, and panic immediately spiked inside me. What’s wrong? Why is Brendon so upset?! Is Alex…is he okay? He has to be!

“I finally got through to his mom this morning. He…um, he got into a fight on your birthday and he got stabbed,”

I zoned out slightly at Brendon kept rambling, everything seeming to slow down around me as tears pricked at my eyes. Alex…Alex got stabbed. On my birthday. Maybe if I hadn’t left him, he would be alright!

“…and he only woke up yesterday so no-one knew who he was before that. His parents flew out straight away and his mom told me everything, like, an hour ago. You have to go and see him, Zack!”

“Woah, what?”

“You have to see Alex! He’ll need you at a time like this!”

“But we’re not together. He said he was better off without me in his life,”

I hated how quiet my voice got, how much I knew I was speaking the truth.

“Fuck that, he was drunk and jealous over seeing you with John. Just go to him. He’s at the local hospital where you are. Go. Now. Or you’ll regret it,”

“What if he doesn’t recover? What if there are complications? I can’t see him die,”

“What if you don’t go at all and he dies anyway?”

“Oh God!”

“Zack, calm down. Just go and see Alex. If not for you, for us. We can’t get out to see him. Ryan’s freaking out as it is, and I can’t leave him to go. Please,”

I found myself nodding before I realised it.

“Okay,”

“Thanks. Let us know how he is?”

“I will. Thanks for finding out,”

I ended the call without waiting for a reply, tears finally falling from my eyes. Alex…is in hospital. In a critical condition. And my friends want me to go and see him.

Do I want to go and see him?

“JOHN! I NEED YOU TO DRIVE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!” I yelled.

*

“Well…this is the door number the receptionist said,” John said tightly.

I squeezed his hand, turning to face him.

“Thank you for bringing me here. I know this can’t be easy for you, but I really appreciate it,” I said softly.

John smiled weakly and brought my hand up to his lips, kissing the knuckles gently before letting go.

“You need to do this. I’ll be waiting out here, okay?” he replied.

I nodded and turned around, knocking twice on the door.

“Come in!”

That’s Alex’s mom’s voice. Oh fuck, they’re still here.

“Go!” John whispered.

I swallowed heavily and opened the door.

“Zachary?” Alex’s mom gasped.

“I asked Brendon to find out where Alex was because I hadn’t heard from him. He called me straight after he called you,” I said quietly.

Alex’s mom nodded tearfully, Alex’s dad just taking her hand in his. I took this time to look at the hospital bed, where Alex was lying. Tears sprang to my own eyes at the sight of him lying so still, so pale with dark bruising, hair in disarray and the thick bandage around his stomach. Not to mention the tubes in his nose and arms.

I hate this. I shouldn’t have come. I should just leave now, before I…

“Would you like to stay a while with him?” Alex’s dad asked gruffly.

“Y-Yes,”

Fuck, why don’t I think before I speak?!

“We can go get something to eat and stop at the hotel to freshen up before we come back. Will an hour suffice? We don’t want to be away from him for too long,” Alex’s dad said.

“Okay,” I nodded.

An hour. I’m going to alone with Alex for an hour while he’s like this. Fuck. Will I be able to handle that?

I stayed silent as Alex’s parents left the room, waiting until the door shut to look at Alex again.

“Do you know how hard it is to pretend to sleep when they’re fussing over me constantly?”

Alex?!

I whimpered and ran to his side, choking a sob as his eyes fluttered open, a weak smile spreading across his lips.

“Hey,” he murmured, “I knew you’d come,”

“How could I not?” I spluttered, taking his hand between my own as I sat down in a chair next to the bed.

Alex squeezed my hand lightly in response, running his other hand through his hair.

“It’s really good to see you, y’know,” Alex said softly.

“That’s not the impression you gave me the other night,” I mumbled.

“And as you can see, it wasn’t my finest night,” Alex replied, raising an eyebrow.

My bottom lip trembled as tears threatened to fall, making Alex sigh.

“Please don’t cry, Zack. I can’t take it from you too,” Alex pleaded.

“Then what do you want from me?” I asked.

He didn’t reply for a few seconds, looking away from me. When he eventually looked back, his eyes had a determined look in them, worrying me slightly.

“What’s wrong, Lex?” I asked hesitantly.

“I’m moving back to Baltimore as soon as I get out of hospital,” Alex announced.

What?! No!

“You can’t! No, you can’t!” I wailed.

“Zack, please, just listen to me,” Alex soothed.

I wanted to scream, yell, cry and punch him. But I pressed my lips into a thin line instead, and nodded.

“Thank you. You’ve got to understand that this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made, really it is. To leave this state without you is going to damn near kill me, but I have to do it,” Alex said firmly.

“But why?” I whimpered.

“I haven’t been happy in Temescal, not for a while now. Before we broke up, if I’m being honest. My life is going nowhere but down in a horrible spiral and I’ve got to do something about it. I need to…I need to move on,”

“Move on from me?” I asked weakly.

“From everything that’s happened here but yes…from you,”

I just whimpered. Alex’s determined look faded a little, but not completely.

“We were each other’s firsts, Zack. We were each others first loves and that’s never going to change. Everything I did was for you. I wanted to get better after rejoining Senior year because of you. I moved here because of you. I wanted to get over my Disorder because of you. I’ve been spiralling downwards because of my love for you. I need to do everything for myself now. I need to get better for me, like you always said,”

I found myself nodding, not able to speak. I know he’s right. I’ve always know he’s done everything for me, but now I know he’s going to leave because of it, that hurts.

“I want you to be happy, Zack. I’ll always want to be happy. I know you love it here, in California. I know you’ll love it even more when you move closer to the beach after graduation, like you’ve always wanted to. I still want us to be friends, if that’s even possible. I don’t want our relationship to be remembered for the bad things, but all the love we shared and all the fun we had. I’ll always love you, but I know that you can find love again, maybe even with John,”

“J-John?”

“The tall guy with the cheekbones that’s more than likely waiting right outside this door for you? The guy that made you smile when I couldn’t? It’s okay, Zack. If anything, I want you to be with him. He’s good for you, when I’m not. He’ll love you like you deserve and he’ll make you happy,” Alex said honestly.

I can’t believe the words that are coming out of his lips. I really can’t. Alex is happy for me to be with John?

“Do you honestly think that?” I asked, frowning.

“Yeah, I do. I can’t go back to Baltimore unless I know that you’ll be okay. You will, won’t you?” Alex asked softly.

I think…I think I will.

I didn’t leave the hospital room until Alex’s parents came back an hour later, Alex and I just talking things through like I’ve been needing to for months. Sure enough, John was still waiting, although he was asleep. With a small smile, I sat down next to him, my hand squeezing his shoulder gently. He woke with a start.

“Zack? How did it g…have you been crying? What did he do?!” John demanded.

“It’s okay, calm down. He told me some things I didn’t want to hear and then we talked things through,” I explained.

“You talked things through? Like…all your problems?” John asked hesitantly.

I smiled gently. I knew John would jump to conclusions.

“He’s moving back to Baltimore when he gets out of hospital,” I told him.

“A-Are you going with him?” John asked, chewing his bottom lip.

“No,” I replied.

John’s jaw dropped slightly, making me giggle. Tears came to my eyes again but I ignored them.

“You’re not?!” he spluttered.

“No, I’m not. Alex and I…are going our separate ways. For real this time,”

“So if he’s going back to Baltimore, does that mean you’re staying here?” John asked hopefully.

“Well…I met this guy, you see. A tall guy with amazing eyes and cheekbones to die for with an incredible laugh and dazzling smile, and I kinda want to stay with him and be his boyfriend officially,”

There. I said it. Holy shit.

John’s grin spread until it looked like it hurt.

“How’s his dick?” John asked, still grinning.

“It works,” I shrugged, smirking slightly.

“Well in that case, I think this guy of yours would be lucky to have you stay with him. Honoured even. And he’d very much like to take you back to his dorm and show you just how happy he is that he can finally call you his,”

“Do you know how weird it is hearing you talk in 3rd person?” I teased.

“Shut up and kiss me,” John laughed.

So I did.