Dark Before the Dawn

A month. A whole month since the Halloween party has passed, and I’ve been hanging out with Kennedy, Garrett and their friends (including John) most days after college. It’s been…nice. It’s been really nice. I haven’t had friends separate from Alex in years, especially to this degree where he doesn’t actually hang out with us either. It’s nice just to have something to myself, something that’s only mine.

It’s also quite nice to see John nearly every day. Don’t look at me like that, I haven’t done anything with him and I’m not leading him on. He knows about Alex so he hasn’t tried anything. He’s just…a really great guy. All round. Now that he knows Pat and I share the same classes, he kinda forced us to sit with him and Pat’s roommate Jared during lunchtimes, and that’s become a habit now. A nice little routine that I’ve found myself not actually minding.

Maybe it’s just something about John that I don’t mind saying yes to. Hmm.

Speaking of John, he’s got to pick up a few supplies for his course near to my apartment block today, so he’s giving me a ride back after college. I’ll admit it’s a little strange to ride in a car that’s more than a year old – and John’s is over 25 years old! A 1985 Chevy Truck, cherry red paint and rust, with an unreliable engine. But it’s John’s baby, and the heating and radio work, so he’s happy. It’s strange seeing someone adore a car so much, but he said something about it being the first car he bought all by himself with the money he saved up from his Saturday job working in a pizza restaurant, so I can see why he’s so proud of it.

It’s quite sweet really.

Just a shame that it feels like I’m going to die in this deathtrap when it shudders around corners.

“You can let go of the door now. We’ve finished turning right,” John snickered, shifting down a gear.

“I swear this car is trying to kill me,” I groaned.

“Well I wouldn’t let old Betsy hurt you,” John smiled.

I blushed slightly, then realised what he’d said.

“Old Betsy?” I teased.

“What? It’s got character!” John defended, his own cheeks blushing.

I just laughed, loosening my grip slightly. With a name like ‘old Betsy’, this truck doesn’t seem so scary anymore. 5 minutes later, John pulled up outside my apartment building, and cut the engine.

“Thanks for the ride, John,” I said, picking my bag up off the floor.

“It’s no problem,” John shrugged.

I rolled my eyes slightly, but smiled. He’s so modest.

“Well, you didn’t have to, so I think it was sweet,” I replied.

I felt my cheeks burning with embarrassment as John grinned, only just realising what I said. I think it was sweet. What the fuck was that?!

“You do?” John asked shyly.

I just nodded and reached for the door handle.

“Are you really going to leave without a hug?” John asked wistfully.

I laughed softly and turned back to face him, giving him a quick hug, biting my bottom lip as John squeezed his arms around me slightly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said softly.

“Yeah, see you,” John said happily.

I got out the car and walked to the door of my building, waving awkwardly before walking inside. Pressing the button for the elevator, I slid my hands into my pockets as I waited, getting inside as soon as it came. Huh. John hugs everyone all the time – actually, all of that group are huggers, but that’s not the point – so why did that hug feel…strange? Don’t get me wrong, it was a really nice hug, but it just felt…eh, I don’t know. I think I’m just imagining things. John was a sweetheart to drive me home, that’s all there is to it.

The elevator reached my floor so I got out, and walked towards mine and Alex’s apartment. I opened the front door with a smile and kicked my shoes off.

“Hi Alex! I’m home!” I called out.

No reply. Huh. I could’ve sworn he had a day off today. Maybe he went out for a while? I closed the front door behind me and walked down the foyer corridor, only to see Alex staring out the window. Okay…

“So…that’s John, huh?” he asked, not moving.

I felt the colour drain from my face. H-How did he know who John was? Alex finally turned around to look at me, his eyes narrowed. Shit. He’s angry. He’s really angry.

“You know him?” I asked weakly.

“No. But now that you’ve confirmed this for me, thanks,” Alex growled.

“Alex…”

I trailed off as Alex picked up my cellphone from the side of the sofa. Fuck. I knew I left it here.

“I was curious to see why a ‘John’ texted you four times in half an hour, so I took a look through your phone,” Alex sneered.

“You looked through my messages? Lex! I don’t look through yours!” I said angrily, snatching my phone back from him.

“I didn’t think you’d have anything to hide, Zack. But I was wrong, wasn’t I? There are nearly 300 messages from ‘John’ on here, only from Halloween – you met him at the party, didn’t you?” Alex spat.

Oh. Shit.

“Actually I met him before the party,” I mumbled.

“Oh, well, that makes everything better,” Alex said sarcastically.

I swallowed heavily and slid my phone into my pocket. I don’t like how Alex’s fists are starting to form into balls. I don’t like how his teeth are gritted and how his eyes have a slightly crazy look in them. I know he isn’t having an episode, he isn’t tense enough for that, but he’s still fucking pissed.

“It’s not like that,” I murmured.

“I really don’t appreciate you lying to me, Zack. How many times has he fucked you, hmm? Is this why you’ve been so happy recently? Because this magical John is helping you escape from big bad Alex?” Alex scowled.

“I haven’t fucked him, I swear! I haven’t done anything with him!” I whimpered.

“Such a fucking lie! I saw the hug in his car, Zack. What the fuck were you doing in his car anyway?! And I saw the way he watched you walk into the building,” Alex accused.

“He knows I’ve got a boyfriend – and he respects that! I would never cheat on you, Lex. You know this!” I said desperately.

“No, I don’t know if I do,” Alex said coldly.

I flinched, his words feeling like a slap to the face. H-How could he ever think I would cheat on him? I would never!

“I love you. Only you,” I whispered.

“BULLSHIT!” Alex roared.

My eyes widened as he grabbed a drinking glass from the side, and I ducked just in time to see him throw it, the glass smashing against the wall where my head had been. I didn’t wait to see Alex’s reaction, and just ran past him, locking myself in the bedroom. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Alex just threw a drinking glass at me! He…He wanted to hurt me. He actually wanted to hurt me when he wasn’t having an episode.

Holy shit. What has my life become?

I leant my back against the door and slid down it until I was sitting on the floor, my knees drawn up to my chin. I remember the last time I locked myself in my bedroom because of Alex. Back in Senior year, when he pushed me out of his room because he was having an episode. This somehow hurts more though. Last time he couldn’t help it. This time was entirely through choice.

I didn’t realise tears were trailing down my cheeks until I heard three soft knocks on the door.

“Baby, please let me in. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get so angry,” Alex said sadly.

“Fuck off, Alex. You pushed too far this time,” I sniffed, wiping my tears dry.

“I mean it! I’m sorry! Seeing you with another guy…I couldn’t handle it!” Alex pleaded.

I felt like punching him in the face, but that would mean having to look at him, and I can’t do that right now.

“I’m not with John! He’s a friend! And he knows I have a boyfriend so he doesn’t try anything! You should know by now that I would never fucking cheat on you!” I said incredulously.

I whimpered as I heard Alex slide down the door on the other side, knowing that he was mirroring me.

“I know, I know, I just…I couldn’t stand the thought of you being happy with someone else. Someone that wasn’t me. I’m sorry for yelling at you and for throwing that glass at you. You know that I could never hurt you, truly hurt you, Zack. I love you so fucking much and the thought of losing you just kills me,” Alex insisted.

“Maybe if you didn’t act like such an asshole then you wouldn’t lose me,” I muttered.

I can’t believe I just said that. But I guess there’s a locked door between us, so I’m okay. Tears sprung to my eyes as I heard Alex choke a sob. I know he’s not faking it. Alex can’t fake cry to save his life, so I know this is real. Shit.

“I deserved that one, I’ll admit. Please don’t leave me. Please. I’ll do anything. I’ll work less. I’ll take you away for the weekend. I’ll shower you with presents. I’ll make love to you every night. Just tell me what I can do to make you stay!” Alex begged.

I swallowed heavily at how desperate he sounded.

“All I want is for the old Alex to come back. The Alex I fell in love with in high school,” I murmured.

“I can do that. For you,” Alex promised.

“No. For you,” I replied.

“Okay,” Alex choked.

I wiped my cheeks dry and unlocked the door, hearing Alex scramble out the way as I opened it. The moment there was enough room for him to get into the room, Alex was on his knees in front of me, pulling me tight against his chest. I couldn’t control the sobs that tore from my chest, my hands clutching at Alex’s t-shirt out of instinct, my face burrowing into the side of his neck. Alex’s lips kissed wherever they could reach, my hair, my cheek, my shoulder, his hands rubbing up and down my back as we rocked back and forwards softly.

“I love you. I’m so sorry,” Alex whimpered, threading his fingers through my hair.

“It’s okay,” I mumbled, just holding him tighter.

What else could I do?