The Mess I Made

It's nice to have just a little bit of hope. You can't go through life being pessimistic. That's how I use to be but after rehab I learned to be okay with myself. I learned that I was a good person inside. I just made a few poor choices that I'm still paying for.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss Nikki. She was always so much more than a sister to me. We were best friends too. Sure, we fought but what siblings didn't? There were times when we would get into screaming matches because we took each other's clothes without asking but we were always fine in the end.

That was until I started drinking. We practically hated each other. She would do anything to get away from me. She would spend a lot of nights at the library or meeting up with Michael somewhere. I drove her away just like I did with everyone else but it didn't stop there. I drove her home, drunk out of my mind. I could barely see straight and I should've known better but at the time I didn't care. I was angry because she wanted to go home early and now I know that it was for a good reason. I should have called a cab for her but I didn't. I just didn't think about it. The only thing I was focused on was the alcohol. She should've been my main priority. I've known that for a while now. She trusted me and I let her down.

I hope she forgives me, wherever she is because then maybe I'll be able to forgive myself.

-x-

The rain was already pouring by the time that we got out of Starbucks. If it was up to me, I would've sat in Starbucks until it stopped but we had to get a move on. The boys had a show that night and were already running low on time. They were suppose to have started soundcheck about fifteen minutes ago but that obviously did not happen.

Zach walked over to his car and smacked his hand to his forehead, "My car is out of gas. Would you guys mind if I drive with you?"

Michael shrugged and got into the passenger seat of my car.

I waved him over, "Come on. I did drive all the way over here to get you anyway."

He didn't respond. He just walked to the car and hopped into the backseat.

"Alrighty then." I muttered to myself before getting in. Please don't tell me we are back to square one. I put the car into drive and pressed lightly on the gas.

For most of the way it was quiet. None of us really knew what to say because we didn't want to mess any progress we had made in the past hour or so. At least I didn't want to anyway.

The only sound you could hear was Zach sighing. I swear he was doing it just to piss me off. I remember telling him time and time again that I hated when my mom sighed when she was upset about something.

"Stop sighing."

"I'm not." said Zach staring out the window.

"Then what is that noise?" I asked, looking over at Michael. He wasn't paying the slightest bit attention to Zach and I. He was too busy looking in his wallet.

He asked frantically, "Where is it?" Michael dumped his entire wallet on to his lap and shifted through money, loose pieces of paper, and credit cards, "I can't find it. I couldn't have lost it." He looked all around him.

"What'd you lose?" asked Zach.

"My picture."

"You can always just print off another."

"No, I can't. Nikki gave it to me. It's all I have left."

"We'll go back to Starbucks and have a look around okay? We'll find it I promise." I turned the car around and started heading back to Starbucks. Thank god we weren't too far away from it.

I could see Michael tapping his foot against the floor of the car, anxiously waiting.

"We're going to be late." whined Zach.

I snapped, "You're already late. A few minutes isn't going to kill you."

We pulled up to Starbucks about ten minutes later. Michael practically jumped out of the car. He traced his footsteps back from the time he was walking back to the car, "I don't see it."

"It's got to be inside then." Michael pushed through the door and began looking down at the floor. He looked under everything from the tables and chairs. He even made people lift up their feet so he could check under their shoes.

"Hey baby girl." He called to the counter, Cassidy looked up from the drink that she was currently making.

"Dang, when you said you'd be back you weren't kidding."

Michael smiled, you could see his dimple and everything, "You know me."

I looked at her name tag, "Um Cassidy? I was wondering if you picked up anything. I kind of dropped something."

"Just give me a sec." She looked around the counter and when she found it she held up a picture. She looked at it for a second, "Who's she?"

"That's my sister Nikki." I smiled, she turned the picture towards us so we could see. We all looked at the picture and then at Cassidy. The resemblance between the two girls was almost uncanny. I reached for the picture, "Thanks you so much! We better get going. We're already late."

"Guess I'll be seeing you later then baby girl. Shows at seven!" We rushed out the door and back into the car. This time Michael went to the back seat, "Sorry man. I need to take a breather. I'm tired."

Zach got into the passenger seat and said nothing. This was going to be one long ass car ride.

Only five minutes passed and I was already itching to get out of the car. You could cut the tension with the knife. That's how awkward it was.

I turned the car radio on and Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved" filled the speakers. I could see Zach start to tense up but that didn't stop him from softly singing along. Seeing him sing along to the radio brought back so many memories.

Flashback

The six of us, Cameron, Michael, Nikki, Ariana, Zach and I were all piled into Cameron's dad, Geoff's car. He let us borrow it for the weekend so we could go camping. It was the first time we were allowed to go by ourselves. The last time we went I got us lost and Cameron was way too busy holding onto his teddy bear for dear life. Needless to say, that trip was a complete disaster and we weren't going to let this one be.

This time was also going to be a lot different. The time before all of us were single and we were all each others best friends. This time I was with Zach while Nikki was with Michael. That left Ariana and Cameron. Before we went camping I rememebr Ariana telling me that she thought Cameron had a small crush on her but she didn't feel the same way so she made me sit in between the two of them the entire way there. Talk about awkward.

The entire way there we sang a handful of songs. Sometimes they were raps that the boys made up or whatever was on the radio. This time it was Maroon 5's, "She Will Be Loved". We each took turns singing a verse but when it came my turn everyone plugged their ears.

"Hey! I'm not that bad."

Nikki said, "Says the dying cow!" Everyone laughed while I pouted.

"You guys wish you were as good as me." I folded my arms and pretended to look outside as if I was ignoring them.

"It's okay babe. You're better at other things besides singing." Zach turned around from the passenger seat and held out his hand. I reached for it and held on to it.

"Would you two stop being so cheesy? You're making me sick." said Ariana, "Thank god. We separated you two in the car. I don't want to have you guys kissing and holding hands the whole way there."

"Don't be jealous." I mocked and stuck out my tongue.

Ariana rolled her eyes, "You're such a five year old."

"Am not!'

"Are too!" Ariana sighed, "I'm such a hypocrite."

I smirked, "Us five year olds got to stick together."

We pulled up to the camping site and unloaded all of our gear. One by one we put up both of the tents. The girls were in one tent while the boys were in another. We went inside to admire all of the work we had done when the rain started. It started out soft and it began picking up. The water slowly started flooding our tent. We all got out in a hurry and ran towards the car.

"Our tents flooding!"

"So is are's." The boys were only a few foot steps behind us. We all piled into the car once again and watched the rain fall.

End Flashback

Zach got a distant look in his eye and sighed again. He was probably remembering the same memory I was. I looked over and gave him a small smile. He just looked and me and tried to smile but his smile never reached his eyes.

He quickly turned away and we spent the rest of our car ride in silence.

We pulled up to the venue about twenty minutes later. We each slowly got out of the car despite the rain falling. Cameron, Katherine, and Ariana came running up towards us.

"Finally!" cried Ariana, "You guys better get a move on."

Katherine ran up to Zach and threw her arms around him. I cringed and I tried my best not to look over when they hugged. She leaned in trying to kiss him but he turned his head. She kissed him on the cheek instead. She tried to hide her scowl but it was written all over her face.

I ran my fingers through my hair and coughed trying to cover my laugh. Maybe she doesn't have him as wrapped around her finger as she thought.