The Mess I Made

Sometimes you can't find all of the words that you so desperately want to say. When you finally find some words to say they just can't compare to what you are feeling. They just fall flat. It's like they don't even matter.

There were so many words running through my head when I saw Steven walk through that door but when I was standing in front of him I couldn't think. Nothing I could say would ever be enough. It wouldn't take back the things that he did. It wouldn't help him see that what he did was wrong. The only way he could see the wrong in his situation is if he came across it himself. He needs to figure it out because we all did the moment we found out.

I can call him all the names in the book, which I probably already did. It's not going to do anything except make me feel better for a second.After that it's just going to leave a hole in my chest. I can't fill that hole up with insults or hatred.

I can only fill it with the good people in my life. I may have some of them back but there is one person who's still a bit lost. I don't blame her. She didn't just lose one daughter, she lost two. The moment I picked up a bottle I lost my relationship with my mother. Our relationship was never perfect, if anything it was far from it. I don't know if I can mend it completely but I have to try eventually right?

-x-

I didn't stop to hear what Cassidy had to say because frankly I don't give a damn. I don't want to hear how Steven is such a great guy and how they've been best friends forever. Nothing is going to change my mind about that son of a bitch, especially not some girl I barely know.

I took a seat on the curb and waited for the others to come outside. I hugged my legs close to my chest and just sat there.

"Are you okay?" Zach took a seat next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder waiting for an answer.

I sighed, "I wish people would stop asking me that."

"Would you rather me come out here and ignore you?"

"No."

"Then stop complaining." Zach scooted just a bit closer to me, "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"There's not much to tell. You pretty much saw it all."

"Sometimes it's better to talk about things instead holding them up inside."

"I'm aware Dr. Phil. I just don't really want to talk about it. I don't have the energy to."

"Fine, I wont press any further." The others came out. Cassidy still looked about as confused as ever so I'm guessing she didn't take my offer about talking to her so called best friend. Zach stood up brushing off his pants, "We should probably get going."

Without another word we all went into the tour bus and sat in the living room part of the bus. There were two couches on both sides of the bus and two TV's so you had the option to watch either one so there wouldn't be as much fighting over what to watch. Knowing all of us, we'll still find a way to fight.

No one mentioned another word about Steven even though you could tell they were all itching to know about what had went on between the two of us but I kept my mouth shut. The boys spent most of the ride playing Call of Duty while Ariana and I watched without much protest. Cassidy on the other hand was looking even more uncomfortable by the minute. One minute she was fiddling with her navy sweats and the next she was picking at her skin.

I was never good with new people so I didn't know what to say to her. That's why I'm so determined to keep the same friends that I've had since I was in Elementary school.

The tour bus came to a stop. I sat up straighter on the couch to see where we had stopped. My eyes widened when I knew exactly where we were. I hit Zach on his arm.

"The least you could do was tell me where we were going, jackass."

"I did. I just left out that we had to make a stop somewhere." He continued playing his game. I yanked the controller out of his hand and threw it into the kitchen area with a small thud.

"Skyelynn-"

"Zachary..."

"Don't call me Zachary. You know I don't like it."

"Zachary, I've told you countless times that I don't want to talk to my mother."

"Sure that's what you're saying but I know you Skye."

"Apparently not. If you knew me so well you would have listened to me."

Michael didn't take his eyes off of Call of Duty since he was clearly beating Cameron and Zach's ass. Cameron spoke up, "Can you guys go take this somewhere else? You're making me die."

"You were dying already Quiseng."

I looked away from Cameron and Michael. I glared at Zach. "I don't need to talk to her now. Things are starting to finally look up. I don't need her bringing my down again."

"She's not going to."

"How do you know?"

"I'm psychic."

"No, you're not."

"Do you guys fight about everything?" asked Cassidy. It was the first time she's talked since we've been in the car.

"Those two are like an old married couple."

"We are not-"

"Obviously, so stop acting like it."

Zach got up from his spot on the couch and stood in front of me. He held out his hand, "Come on, how bad could it be?"

-x-

I dragged my feet, dreading each step that I took towards the house. "I can't believe you're making me do this."

Zach smirked. He was already a few steps ahead of me. You could tell that he was enjoying my pain. "I'm doing this for your own good."

"Next time you plan on doing something good for me buy me a cat or something. I like cats."

"You're not going to be one of those crazy cat ladies are you?"

I raised an eyebrow, "What makes you think I'm not already?" We finally reached the door. I stared at the door knob with disgust. I still couldn't believe that I was just here a week ago. "You knock."

Zach knocked on the door. I looked around and tapped my foot impatiently. "Nobody's home. Let's go."

I turned to leave and Zach grabbed my hand. "Then why is the door knob turning?" Sure enough the door knob was slowly starting to turn.

When the door opened I was thankful to find my dad standing there before me. He squinted at me and looked at Zach, obviously confused because even my dad knows that Zach and I weren't on the best of terms after our break up. He scratched his head, "Skyelynn, what are you doing here?"

From the other room I could hear my mom's voice, "Honey, who's at the door?"

He ignored her, "You're mothers here."

"I know." I pointed to Zach, "Sorry for not calling ahead of time. He brought me here against my free will."

"It's not like I dragged you here-"

"You practically did."

Mom came up behind Dad. She looked about the same except she looked much older. When people say that loss ages you they weren't kidding.

"What are you doing here?" She spat.

"Ask him." I pointed to Zach. She looked over at Zach and smiled lightly. She always liked Zach for whatever reason. I'm pretty sure she liked him more than she liked me.

"Zach dear, how are you? How's your parents?"

"They're doing great-"

"We did not come here to make small talk mother."

She rolled her eyes at me, "Where are your manners honey?"

"Don't you honey me. You're the one who hasn't invited us in." My mom and dad moved out of the way without a word. Zach and I walked in. I found myself walking to the living room and sitting on the small couch. Zach took a seat next to me. He reached for my hand and held it. He gave it a squeeze when my parents came into the room.

"Well?" asked my mom.

I gulped. I could all of my walls start to come crumbling down, "Mom, I'm so sorry." I bit my lip so the tears wouldn't fall. "I know I've messed up. I didn't just skip class but I turned to alcohol instead of coming to you when I needed you. I didn't think I had a problem. It took me months after the accident to realize how bad I was. I got help after refusing it several times."

"You always were hard headed."

"I get that from my mom." I gave her a small smile. She looked at the ground. "I-I just wanted to come to you and ask for your forgiveness. I miss you. I miss you both. I miss Nikki." I couldn't stop the tears from falling as I said Nikki's name. Zach brought me close to him and wrapped his arms around me. "I'm so sorry mommy."

"It's okay." Zach whispered, "I'm here. I got you."

I continued crying in his arms until my eyes became puffy and red. I looked up at my mom who was trying to remain strong but I could see the sadness hidden behind her eyes. Zach let go of me and I smiled at him. I got up from where I was sitting and went over to my mom.

She looked at me and sighed. A small piece of hair got in my eyes. She gently brushed it away. "I'm sorry mommy. I didn't mean for things to get this bad."

My mom pulled me in close, "I know baby. It's okay. Mommy's here now."

We were like that for who knows how long. It was just nice to know that my mom still cared about me. She still loved me no matter all of the horrible things that I have done. I know I don't deserve it...but I'm still happy to have her back in my life.

Now maybe I'll be whole.