The Mess I Made

How are you suppose to pour your heart out on a time limit? For all I know he isn't going to listen to a word I say. This may be my one and only chance to get him back in my life. I don't care if we never get back together. I just don't want him to be mad at me anymore. I don't want him to look at me with complete hatred. I want him to see that I've changed.

"Just listen okay."

"I'm here aren't I?" He checked his watch and looked back up at me.

I bit my lower lip and looked around trying to find the words to say, "Well-happy birthday?"

Zach crossed his arms, "I know that's not what you wanted to say. Spit it out so we can go on with our lives. I'm tired of wasting all of my time and enegy bringing up the same old bull shit."

"I-just wanted to apologize for everything. I'm so sorry Zach. I never meant for things to get that bad. I never thought it would escalate as much as it did. I started drinking because I wanted to loosen up. I didn't want to be the girl that everyone walked all over. I wanted to finally be able to stand up for myself. I wanted to be fun and exciting. I didn't want to be my boring old self. I wanted people to like me."

"I liked you. We all liked you. You were never alone Skye."

"I know that now but back then I didn't. I had no clue. I was so obsessed with the idea of being someone different that I just didn't give a damn about anyone else."

Zach's expression remained cold, "You sure as hell didn't. The moment things got hard you left. You didn't just leave me, you left all of us."

"I know-"

"Then why did it take three years to even get the courage to talk to any of us? You can't just show up and expect us to drop everything that happened and just forgive you. Forgiveness takes time Skyelynn."

"I know I was messed up! Don't you think I get that? Don't you think I understand what big mistakes I've made?"

"You're the one who doesn't get it. You weren't the only one who had to go through all of this!"

"I know it wasn't just me but she was my sister Zach! My baby sister! She was the only one who was there with me every single day from the moment that she was born and how do I repay her? I drive her home drunk! I killed her. I'm the reason she's no longer here!"

Zach grew quiet for a moment, "It should have never even got to that point."

I nodded, "I know it shouldn't have. I was so far into the addiction that I just couldn't stop."

"I just wish you asked me for help. I would have gotten you through it."

"I didn't think I needed the help and if you came offering to help me out I wouldn't have taken it. I didn't want to hurt you anymore."

Zach rolled his eyes, "That didn't work did it?"

My voice started to raise, "No shit or we wouldn't be standing here arguing." People around us began staring so I lowered my voice, "I'm trying to move on. Why can't you?"

"I'm just done trying. I tried talking to you that day where you were taken into the hospital but you blew me off. We're both at fault here. I get it. I just can't do this anymore. Just by looking at you a wave of memories comes flooding back. Every single moment is painful and I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like the way I do right now. I loved you. I still love you."

It took a minute for his words to really sink in. "I love you too."

"You need more than love to make a relationship work and obviously we couldn't do it. We couldn't even be there for one another during one of the darkest periods in our lives. We took off running. We didn't talk to each other. We didn't look at eachother. It's like nothing ever happened."

"But something did happen. Somewhere in all of this mess we fell in love."

Zach avoided eye contact with me. I could see the anger hidden behind his eyes, "I wish I never fell in love with you. It's the biggest mistake I have ever made."

"You don't mean that-"

"Oh but I do. You've ruined my life. You've kept me from moving on."

"Then what the hell is Katherine doing here?"

"Katherine may not be the nicest person in the world but she was there for me. You weren't. What was I suppose to do just wait for you to come back when you're ready?"

"No of course n-"

"You only want to be with me because I'm taken. I know how you work Skyelynn. I've known you for a long time. I remember that summer where you went after that guy that had a girlfriend. I told you to lay off. I told you that it wasn't right but you went ahead and did it anyway. You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself. That's never going to change. You're never going to change. So why don't you just leave us the hell alone? Go back to drinking and see if I care."

Zach turned and began walking away. I took a step in front of him, "I know you don't mean what you're saying to me right now-"

"I mean every word of it. Now get the fuck out of my way." I moved away and shut my eyes tight hoping that what had just happened was just another one of my many nightmares. There is no way this could be real.

When I reopened my eyes I noticed that I was in the same exact spot. That's when the tears started falling. I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. My entire body started shaking. Everything around me started to feel cold. I held my arms close to me for warmth but it didn't help. My entire body became numb and I could feel myself falling.

-x-

"Skye, please wake up." I could hear a few voices around me. I could feel someone barely shaking me to wake up but I just couldn't budge, "Skye-"

"What the hell happened?" asked Ariana.

Cameron continued trying to wake me up, "I don't know. One minute she was talking to Zach and the next minute she was on the ground. I don't know what happened. I don't know where Zach took off too. How could things get so screwed up?"

I started opening my eyes, "I think that's my fault."

Cameron shook his head and got up from the ground. He held out his hand and I took it.

"You scared us Skye. We thought you were seriously hurt." said Ariana.

"I'm okay." I felt the bump on the back of my head from where I had fallen, "Just a bump that's all."

"We couldn't lose you Skye. Not after what happened with-" Michael's face fell and he pressed his lips together, "You know..."

"I know." I tried to force a smile, "You guys can't get rid of me that easily." I looked around Dave & Busters hoping to see Zach lurking nearby.

"If you're looking for Zach he's not here." Katherine appeared behind Ariana, "It's all your fault. He ran out of here as soon as he could. He didn't even stay here when you came crashing down to the ground. He doesn't care about you Skye."

"That's not what he said."

"Doesn't matter what he said. He's not here. He's not the one standing here making sure you're okay." Katherine pointed at Cameron, "He is."

I looked over at Cameron. He was running his fingers gently through his hair, "I did what anyone would have done."

"That's the only reason why Cameron?" She asked batting her eyelashes, "Why don't you tell Skyelynn here the truth."

"What is she talking about?"

He shook his head, "It's not important. What's important right now is making sure you're okay and finding Zach." Cameron walked away from the group and out of Dave & Busters.

I turned to Ariana and Michael and repeated, "What is she talking about?" They didn't answer and followed Cameron out the door.