Some Days

It had been a couple of days since John and I kissed in Eric’s backyard. I wanted to dive right back in, and love him with everything I had – but there was a little voice in my head telling me not to, urging me to remember that I ran away from him once before and it had been for a reason. I couldn’t forget that reason.

I sat in Garrett’s kitchen, staring across the breakfast bar at him. He was hovering around the stove, making two cups of tea. I told him about my mother’s moment of clarity, but I didn’t tell him what happened afterward. I did, however, tell him about how confused and conflicted I felt with regard to John, and how concerned I was for Regan. He listened patiently as I told him things, his expression soft and caring. His eyes were full of emotion, but none of it showed any sign of jealousy or judgment. And the best part – he only gave advice when it was warranted. He knew the difference between me talking for the sake of getting the thoughts out into the open and when I was asking for help.

Garrett had become a saving grace. He loved Regan and Regan loved him, and it was practically impossible to dislike the kid. Every time I found myself at his house, he knew just what to do and say. It was like us meeting was fated – we were destined to somehow find each other. It was getting harder and harder to suppress the butterflies every time I saw him or heard his voice, or even when I heard someone mention his name.

I was a mess.

Regan tugged at Garrett’s leg, startling him. “Gary,” she said, simply, and looked up at him.

Garrett smiled down at her, handing her a little cup of juice. It was so hard to hide my feelings whenever he interacted with Regan. My cheeks flared and my lips always pulled into a smile, and I was sure my eyes glittered.

I watched Regan as she toddled past me, lightly trailing her hand along my leg as she went. It happened quickly and absently, just touching some part of me to remind herself that I was still there. My eyes followed her little hand as she set it on my calf and followed the muscles up to my knee, then graze along my thigh. Her hand was gone before she reached mid-thigh and she was disappearing into the living room, where Trey was waiting for her so they could resume watching Scooby Doo.

I lifted my gaze from my thigh when a teacup slid in front of me. My fingers wrapped around the warm cup and I smiled at Garrett. Before I could verbally thank him, however, he spoke.

“Are you doing okay today?”

That was another thing about him. He never forgot that I wasn’t okay, in general, and that my family life was in shambles. He didn’t try to fool himself, or me, by pretending that things were perfect and dandy. He understood what I was going through and didn’t pressure me to fix any aspect of it. So whenever he asked if I was okay, or if I was holding up, he always made sure to ask if I was doing okay in that exact moment. It was never just “are you okay?” because he knew the answer would always be no, as a whole. But day-to-day, the answer continued to change.

“No,” I admitted.

Garrett rested his arms against the countertop and leaned forward. “Want to talk about it?”

No I thought. Because that means telling you about John.

“Do you promise not to judge me?”

He rolled his eyes, as if I should already know that he would never judge me. When I countered his eye-roll with a stern look, he sighed in distaste that he had to prove it. “I promise.”

“I’m conflicted,” I started, slowly, calculating each word before I spoke it. “The other day, I –”

I broke off. He stared, with his eyebrows furrowed, and wondered if I would continue. But I wasn’t going to.

“Nolan?”

“I can’t,” I told him. I shook my head, standing up. The tea remained untouched, still steaming sadly. Garrett was confused but he stayed silent. “I’m not going to talk about John to you. I’m not going to talk about it. Not with you.”

He moved around the counter and engulfed me. His arms were warm and strong and comforting. I wrapped my shaky arms around him and held him just as tight. And then, strangely, I felt warm tears sliding down my cheeks. It was strange because I wasn’t sad in that moment. I might not have been okay, but I wasn’t sad. I was worried, anxious, and confused, but I wasn’t sad.

He pressed his lips to my temple, leaving a soft, delicate kiss against my skin. My stomach flared, bubbling with even more anxiety and possibly butterflies. I shifted in his arms and looked up at him.

He didn’t smile, or show any hints of smiles or joy. His eyes were steady, and his lips were in a stern, unfaltering line. He didn’t flinch or show any trace of being scared of what he had just unknowingly started. Our eyes were locked, emotions swirling and changing drastically within the reflections, and then his hands were on my cheeks. His fingers were gently resting along my jaw, tickling just below my ear, and his thumbs slowly wiped away the tears under my eyes.

“You don’t have to talk about anything with me,” he finally spoke, his breath hitting against my lips and making it hard to focus on his words. “I will never judge you and I will never force you to do or say anything you don’t want to. I’ll be content to just hold you like this whenever you’re upset, and wait for you to be okay.”

His hands hadn’t moved from my face as he said these things and his eyes never broke away from mine. I chewed my lip, scanning his face into my memory. Then, without warning, I closed the gap between us and captured his lips with mine. My hands explored his hair, which was surprisingly soft despite the tangled and slightly dirty look to it, and then slid down to the nape of his neck and rested there. His lips were soft, albeit chapped, and very knowing, despite his overall appearance of innocence.

And the most startling part of this entire kiss was that he made me feel something entirely different. Something I can’t remember feeling before with John. And that realization – it caused me to panic, and the only thing I thought I knew and could depend on just flipped upside down.

“I’m – I’m so sorry,” I muttered, embarrassed, and completely detached myself from him. “I don’t know what came over me. God, I’m sorry. I really don’t know what made me do that.”

Garrett shook his head and silenced me with another kiss. This time it was quick and reassuring, a silent way of letting me know he didn’t care. It let me know that he had been waiting for this moment to happen.

“Mommy!” Regan squealed from the living room.

I closed my eyes, praying she hadn’t seen any of that. Garrett laughed softly, the sound brushing against my lips. I opened my eyes at the sensation and noticed he wasn’t looking at me anymore. His eyes were directed toward the living room, where Regan’s little voice had come from.

I turned my head, then, and saw Trey holding Regan above his head, spinning her as if she were flying. To say my heart swelled at the sight would be an understatement. Everything about the Nickelsen family represented comfort and love and hope. They represented a calm in the middle of a storm. They were saviors. And with those two kisses, I knew Garrett had become my own personal savior. He had become something else entirely. And I could only wish that he felt the same way about me.