Some Days

I looked at John, blissfully unaware. He tapped his pen against his textbook and sighed constantly. I had finished reading the chapter an hour ago and completed the end-of-chapter questions twenty minutes later. It wasn’t hard material to digest but John being John, he never felt the need to pay attention. I knew by the rhythm of his pen taps that he was lost in his mind somewhere, working through a melody for one of his songs.

I shuffled around in his bed, rustling the covers a bit as I scooted toward the edge of the bed. I hesitated before rolling all the way out, however, and peeked out at him. He was still staring at the text, tapping away. He had a blank expression on his face but it almost looked like a scowl, as if he couldn’t figure out the song quick enough. I quietly rolled out of bed and tiptoed out of his room, down the stairs, and into the kitchen.

We were the only ones home. His parents were out shopping, with plans to eat out by themselves after, and his brothers had taken the opportunity to spend the free time at their friends’ houses. When I entered the kitchen, it was a little after five. Quietly rummaging through his cabinets, I started to make a little dinner for the two of us. However, I have no idea how to cook.

“Mmm, what are you doing?” he mumbled in my ear, wrapping his arms around my shoulders from behind.

I sheepishly looked up at him and tried to smile convincingly. “Making dinner?”

He eyed the dinner I had put together. The only thing that looked edible was the salad I had poured into a bowl from a bag. I had attempted to make lasagna – which was initially frozen – but it looked more like a swamp monster lived in it now. I wasn’t even fully convinced it was thoroughly cooked. And the garlic bread was burnt and I can’t remember if I put any garlic on it to begin with.

“I dunno, baby. It looks kinda questionable,” he remarked. The lasagna bubbled and he jumped back but quickly tried to hide his shock. “Right.”

I groaned loudly, wrenched myself out of his arms and crossed the kitchen. I snatched a bottle of water from the fridge and practically slammed myself against the counter, annoyed and upset. “Just say it.”

John was even more shocked by my tantrum than he was by the swamp monster lasagna. “What the hell just happened?”

I gulped some of the water and set the bottle behind me on the countertop, then threw my arms up in defeat. “How am I ever going to be able to take care of you in the future if I can’t even heat up a stupid lasagna? You might as well just dump me now and find some other girl who’s better suited for this kind of thing.”

A look of amusement crossed John’s face. “Nolan, what the hell? Better suited for what kind of thing?”

“This!” I shouted and made wide motions between us. “This family thing. I’m obviously not forever-material.”

John laughed. He walked over to me and enclosed me in his arms before pressing a sweet kiss against my forehead. “You’re my only future. Nolan Greeley is my forever, okay? It doesn’t matter if you can make lasagna or bread or whatever.”

“But what if I burn the kitchen down trying to get better at this cooking stuff?” I asked. My cheeks were burning bright red and there was a lump in my throat. “What if we have kids and I can’t even make them dinner?”

“We can just order in for the rest of our lives,” he promised. His fingers lifted my chin up so I was looking him in the eye. “As long as I have you, babe, that’s all that matters to me.”

The lasagna bubbled again and I recoiled. How was it still doing that? “Promise?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” he swore. He kissed me softly, then, and smiled into the kiss. He pulled away slightly to run his fingers through my hair, pushing the loose strands away from my face. “I love you and your horrid cooking skills can never change that.”

I laughed but smacked his cheek. “Just wait until I become best friends with Martha Stewart, asshole. Then we’ll see who’s joking in the kitchen.”

I squeezed out of his grip at that point and made a dash for the living room, knowing he would be seeking revenge for the slap. We ended up chasing each other around the couches and recliners for hours and hours, until finally we collapsed on the couch together.

“Pizza time now?” he asked breathlessly.

I patted his cheek a few times. “Anything for you, babe.”

John grinned as I stood up, but before I could even take one step away from the couch he reached out and smacked my ass as hard as he could. When I spun on my heel, he was smirking. “Payback,” he simply said with a shrug.

My eyes glassed with tears as I came back to reality. I stabbed my fork into the lasagna in front of me and sighed. Garrett and I were at a fancy Italian restaurant for our date but everything reminded me of John. He was like an infection that wouldn’t go away. Part of me wanted him to stick around.

“Is your food okay?” Garrett asked softly. I looked over at him. He had seen me vanish from reality and slip back into the days I once considered perfection. I could see the hurt in his eyes as he realized this.

“Yeah, I’m just suddenly not hungry,” I told him truthfully. I had been starving earlier but two bites in and I had lost my appetite.

I propped my elbows on the corner of the table and buried my face in my hands, running my fingers into my hair. I couldn’t do this forever. I couldn’t do this alone.

I needed Payton. She still refused to speak to me. Well, no, she spoke to me once. She yelled at me, really, and told me to grow up. It was well deserved. But I missed her nonetheless.

I exhaled deeply as my stomach churned. What little I had eaten suddenly threatened to come back up.

“Nolan?” Garrett asked carefully.

“I just- I was just hit with a gigantic wave of nostalgia,” I said, and stood up. “I’ll be right back.”

I grabbed my purse and walked outside. The air was still as hot as it was midday, even though the sun had set a couple hours ago. I shakily sat on a bench a few feet away from the front door and pulled my phone out. I was going to dial Payton and beg her to forgive me but someone else’s voice greeted me.

“Nolan? Is everything okay?” John asked.

I couldn’t answer. Did I mean to dial him? He sighed after a few moments of silence. It brought me back to the day I called him from the payphone and kept silent before hanging up on him altogether. Except this time, I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to talk to him.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “For everything, I mean. For running away. For not answering you that day on the phone, or any day before or since then. For keeping her from you. For being selfish. For being here, confused and hurting you all over again.”

“So everything isn’t okay, then,” he answered his own question.

“No,” I said calmly, though my eyes were burning with tears.

“Where’s Garrett?” he asked softly. I opened my mouth and a little noise came out – words trying to come out in coherent sentences but jumbled together instead. “Come on, Nolan. He asked me if it was okay.”

“I’m sorry,” I cried, the tears warm as they slid down my cheeks. “I just like him, John. He reminds me of you when we were younger, you know? That’s how I feel.”

It was his turn to remain silent for a while. We listened to each other breathing and we could hear just how hard the other was thinking through this situation. I was sure the words I spoke weren’t easy for him to digest, but he was figuring out a way to handle it.

“Is that what you need?” he asked suddenly.

“What?” I asked in return.

He sighed and I could picture him holding the phone with his shoulder now, his fingers busy tangled up in his messy hair. “Do you need a reminder of the teenage me? Or do you need the person I am now?”

I had no idea what I wanted. Surely he knew that much. “Remember the night I tried to make lasagna for you?”

John chuckled. “Yeah. Has Martha called yet?”

“Unfortunately, not yet,” I giggled. I bit my lip and listened to his steady breaths, in and out. In and out. “Remember when you said I was your only future?”

He exhaled softly. “Of course.”

“What song were you thinking about that night?” I asked.

“Tell me that you love me and it’ll be alright. Are you thinking of me? Just come with me tonight. You know I need you just like you need me,” he sang after a moment of hesitation, and then the line disconnected.