Some Days

“What are we doing here?” John asked as we walked into the cold drugstore. Chills ran up my spin and prickled my skin.

My chest was tight with worry and anxiety. I had dragged him all the way here but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him why. Which struck me as odd because it wasn’t like he would never find out. Still, in my frightened state, I rattled off some things I needed him to go find for me and he nodded simply, without question, and went in the opposite direction.

I quietly ambled up and down various aisles, my eyes lazily scanning along items I knew I had no use for. I was losing time but I didn’t want to head directly for the aisle I knew I needed. Although there were hardly any patrons in the store, it felt as if all of them knew my secret and were watching my every move.

I traced my finger along the cool metal of a shelving unit, dragging it along as I turned the corner. In front of me were a young mother and toddler, weighing the options of which juice to buy. The baby was strapped into the seat of the cart, banging a plastic toy against the handles. My heart lodged in my throat and my feet stuck to the floor. She was older than me, by at least three or four years, but that was negated by the age of the toddler. She had been my age when she had him.

As my stomach flipped dangerously, I whispered an “excuse me” and inched around the two. Her eyes followed my trembling body as I shuffled along the aisle. I turned to the right, ready to wander the next aisle, and saw her eyes steady on me. The next aisle was the one I needed – the one she had needed. She offered me a small, sympathetic smile. As if to say it’s not all bad, the panic will wash away soon. I couldn’t return the smile – just a simple, little nod to acknowledge the message she was sending.

I spent fifteen minutes staring at the wall of products. I read the instructions on some of the boxes and had managed to narrow it down to two choices when, suddenly, I heard John calling my name and laughing. My heart sank. How had I forgotten he was here with me?

“Nolan! Nolan, look!” He laughed and laughed, his tall, lanky body bobbing around corner after corner in search of me. “There you are. Look what I found- What are you holding?”

The smirk fell from his lips. I couldn’t even attempt a smile at the stupid prank glasses he was wearing. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked up at him. He looked so much younger than he already was. He wasn’t ready for this. He didn’t deserve this.

“Holy shit,” he mumbled, stepped closer to me and tried to block anyone from seeing what was happening. I took the moustache glasses off his face and folded them up neatly, placing them to the side on the shelf.

I glanced at the two pregnancy tests again. They both sounded exactly the same but one had to be better, right? Was there a way to tell? John’s fingers fit underneath my chin and tilted my head up so I would look at him.

“Nolan, I- I had no idea. I just. I’m panicking but everything I’m about to say is how I’ve been feeling for a long time now, it just sucks that I’m saying it now, at this exact moment. So don’t think I’m only saying these things because I feel like I have to, okay? Because that’s not the case at all,” he quickly rambled. Before I could get a word out, he had already jumped back in. “I love you so much. You already know that, but I need you to really understand how deeply I love you. I will literally give up every single thing I own just to make sure you’re taken care of. You are the love of my life, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I won’t let you go. Not now, not ever.”

“John, that’s a lot to promise someone,” I whimpered. His fingers gently brushed away my tears. “And I- I don’t even know if it’s really happening or not.”

“I know but I mean it. I won’t let you go. No matter how this turns out, I will continue to love you. I don’t really believe in soul mates for all that it’s talked up to be, you know that, but I think you’re mine, Nolan,” he admitted, his voice falling softer with each word he spoke. “I think you’re mine and I’ll never let go of that.”

I nodded, tears cascading down my cheeks. He took the two boxes from my hands, abandoned his basket at our feet, and laced his fingers with mine. He purchased both brands of tests and drove us to his house.

I steadied myself as I wandered through the drugstore. I had to consciously remind myself to inhale and exhale. I couldn’t afford to backslide into another panic attack, especially not in such a public place. Regan and I had been living in Kennedy’s spare room for a little over two weeks. We helped where we could but his mom refused to let me pay for things and Kennedy kept insisting we were guests and didn’t have to lift a finger to help.

I circled the store a few times, aimless. I glanced at my watch. Twelve minutes had gone by since I walked in. I looked around, sighed, and headed for the back of the store. Another seven minutes went by before my phone vibrated in the pocket of my shorts. Reading over the text quickly, my eyes dragged up to see the copper-headed boy loping toward me.

“Thanks for meeting me,” I said softly, as if I were ashamed of myself. “I’ve been kind of.. I dunno, going crazy? Everyone keeps asking if I’m okay and constantly checking up on me. I haven’t had a minute to myself in what feels like ages.”

He lazily shrugged. “I know the feeling. Just- I’m glad you called. A drugstore, though? Of all the places-”

“There’s a purpose,” I cut him off. “Don’t take this the wrong way. I do want to fix things with us. But I- I needed you to be the one here.”

He had no idea what I was hinting at, so I led him to the aisle, the one that changed my life five years ago. When we stood there, side by side, staring blankly at the wall of pregnancy tests, it dawned on him. He held his breath and avoided my gaze.

“I’m not sure of anything, at all. I’m only doing this as a precaution,” I told him as I grabbed the box proclaiming to be the most accurate at early detection. He followed me like a lost puppy up to the register. “Maybe it’s the stress of my mom, you know? Besides, I counted – it’s not quite time yet for all of it to add up to this.”

Garrett nodded dumbly, cheeks flared red, as I freely talked and counted out my change. The woman behind the counter probably hadn’t even paid attention to what I purchased. “Are you okay?” I asked, bag in hand.

“Jesus,” he mumbled.

I frowned. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head fervently. “It’s not that. I’m just- yeah, let’s just do this.”

He grabbed hold of my hand and his fingers subconsciously slipped between my own as he tugged me along toward the bathroom. He pulled the door open and filed inside, pulling me along behind. He let go of my hand – leaving my palm to feel cold and tingly, missing the warmth of his skin against mine – and waited expectantly by the sink.

“I really don’t think-”

“Like hell I’m waiting outside.”

I made a face of mockery and held up my hands in defense. I clicked the lock on the door and shuffled with the bag, dug the box out. I read the directions as I handed the empty bag to Garrett. Tearing the box apart, I dumped out one of the tests and steeled my gaze with his.

“You really don’t have to be here for this part.”

His blue eyes were light and his pupils were dilated. He was scared. But he pushed through it. “Just pee on it.”

And so I did. I set it on the back of the toilet and washed my hands. We were silent for a few minutes. I scuffed my shoes against the dingy floor, hands stuffed in my pockets. He stood, stiff, lost in thoughts.

“How’re you truly holding up, though?” he asked softly.

I looked at him. His eyes were brighter now, even sparkling a little. “I’m doing better. This feels a little crazy though, both of us chatting in a public bathroom.”

He chuckled. “I guess, yeah, it is. I’m glad it’s happening, though. The talking part. How long does that take?”

It took me a moment to realize he meant how long would it take to get the results. I shook my head, “A little longer. I’m sorry about your tour being bumped to the fall. I didn’t mean to interrupt your schedule like this.”

Garrett smiled slightly, blushed, and cast his eyes downward. “Honestly, I don’t think any of us mind it. We’re always working. It’s nice to be able to relax for a little while.”

We had talked ourselves into a corner. I had nothing else to say and neither did he. But the silence was so loud and all I could think about was his palm against mine, our fingers mingled. I bit my lip, outstretched my fingers and looped my index finger around two of his. When he didn’t pull away, I looked up shyly. His cheeks were tinged pink but then, slowly, he lowered his head and his nose brushed against mine. His lips ghosted mine, hesitant. I smiled and leaned up, closing my lips onto his. His hands rested on my hips, hugged me flush against him.

We forgot where we were until someone knocked on the door and jiggled the doorknob. Garrett panicked but I quickly offered the person on the other side a loud “almost finished” and broke away from his embrace. I looked at the pregnancy test, then over my shoulder at Garrett.

“Negative.”

“Negative?” he questioned.

I kissed him but pulled away just as quickly. “No one can find out about this. And I mean absolutely no one. Do you understand me?”

He nodded. “Cross my heart. Not a soul.”

I slotted my palm against his and he mingled our fingers, and together we walked out.