Some Days

“Mrs. Nickelsen?” I squeaked out, and looked over my shoulder to make sure she was still there behind me.

“It’s okay, Nolan,” she assured me. I nodded and faced the door.

I took my time opening the door. I was terrified of the woman on the other side; it had been so long. The room was glowing warmly with the final daily farewell from the sun. She was sleeping soundly on the bed, which seemed to be neatly made with the edges tucked neatly in around her. Her hair splayed out beautifully on the white, crisp pillow; her hands rested neatly atop the crease of the comforter. Her skin was beautiful porcelain, delicately wrapped around her tiny frame.

“Mrs. Greeley,” I heard sweetly from behind me. Mrs. Nickelsen moved around me and gently placed a hand on my mother’s to gently wake her. This had to have been a motherly touch; this was how I woke Regan all the time.

“Oh, Nurse Nickelsen,” she said sleepily, tired eyes opening and looking directly up at her. “I thought you had left.”

“No ma’am,” she responded, smiling kindly at her. “You have a visitor. Do you feel up to it?”

My mother’s eyes closed for a moment as she calculated her strength. When they opened again, I was in her direct line of vision. My heart lodged in my throat and my blood ran cold. Her hazel eyes were so tired and dull, nothing at all how I remembered them to be.

I remembered the days where she’d pull me out of school early so we could go to the zoo. She would bring her camera along and let me take pictures of all the animals that I wanted to. She would pay money for me to have a professional picture taken with baby animals, whenever I asked – no matter how many times I asked. She would ask strangers to take pictures of us together in front of exhibits we enjoyed. We’d always have the same meal while there, too: popcorn, cotton candy, and soda. Sometimes we’d share an ice cream or snow cone.

She continued to do this multiple times a year, even when I reached high school. For her 35th birthday, the last one I was home for, I put together a photo album of our zoo pictures to show the progression of our bond. As time went on, John started to show up in the pictures. But she never minded. In fact, her eyes lit up even brighter whenever he was around. I made sure, though, that the album remained about our mother-daughter bond; I always put our pictures in before a picture with John in it.

I tried to save the pictures with other people in them for the end of the book, where I included the ones we could laugh about, the ones where heads were cut off or people we didn’t know were making faces in the background. I wanted her to remember the good times we had together, by ourselves. I didn’t want her to think I was leaving her, or forgetting her, by allowing John to get so close into my life.

“Hi,” she said, pulling me from my thoughts. “You look just like my daughter Nolan. Oh, how I miss her.”

In that moment, it felt as if my lungs had collapsed. When Mrs. Nickelsen looked at me, horrified and unsure what to do, I forgot how to breathe.

She struggled to sit up – Mrs. Nickelsen helped her – and reached for the drawer in the side table. She pushed a few papers aside before she found what she wanted. She pulled out the photo album – big and overflowing with images I couldn’t fit onto any more pages, covered with giraffe-print on the outside covers.

“Doesn’t she look like my little Nolan?” she questioned as she opened the album to a page near the back, no doubt showing off a picture from when I was older, in high school. “And this boy here – I haven’t seen him in ages. I wonder..”

“I’m sorry,” I said softly and made my escape out of the room and down the stairs. Garrett sat next to Payton on the couch, with Regan curiously scooting closer and closer to him.

“What happened?” Garrett asked, a slight waver in his tone. He could sense that something had gone wrong.

“Are you hungry? I’m hungry. I’m sure Regan is starving, right baby?” I rambled as I practically plucked her up off the couch. I kept walking, Regan talking my ear off as she settled onto my hip, but neither of them followed me. I paused at the front door and turned so I was looking at them. “I’m buying. Please, just.. Please.”

It didn’t’ take long to find a restaurant we all could agree on, but it did take a while for me to answer them.

“Seriously, Nolan, what happened?” Payton asked for the fourth time.

I sighed softly, watching Regan as she colored on the placemat the restaurant had provided. She only had three colors, but she was smart enough to know how to layer them in order to make new hues.

“I like him,” she said, randomly, eyes still focused on the coloring. Her little voice broke the tension, and we all temporarily forgot about what happened at the house.

I glanced up at Garrett, who had a hint of a smile on his lips, then lightly kissed her temple, “Why do you say that?”

“He’s funny,” she replied, as if I should have already known this information. “And he smells good.”

Garrett’s cheeks flushed red again and I giggled. Payton, however, continued to press the issue.

“Seriously, Nolan,” she said sternly.

I sank back into the booth and avoided eye contact with Garrett. The tone Payton used made me feel like a child, in trouble for something stupid. My cheeks burned with embarrassment.

“We didn’t come out here for you to run away from them,” she continued on.

My lips tightened into a straight line. I looked up at her, and Garrett visibly recoiled slightly. “She doesn’t remember me, Payton. So leave me the hell alone, I need to digest it.”

Payton remained silent after my outburst. I was surprised, however, that Regan didn’t scold me for using a bad word. The four of us remained silent for a while, and when our food arrived, we didn’t rush to begin eating; my words settled over the table like a thick blanket. But what shocked me even more was when Garrett’s hand reached across the table and rested on mine. His gesture seemed to break the tension and Regan began to munch on her fries, using one hand to continue scribbling without a care.

“She will,” he assured. “It’s been a long time, Nolan. Just give her some time.”

“Nolan, I’m sorry. I- I just thought.. You were so apprehensive about coming back,” Payton rambled.

I sighed, slouching slightly. My shoe bumped against Garrett’s and I didn’t even think about pulling away. Neither did he. “I didn’t think it would get to her this fast. I didn’t expect it to erase me.”

He shook his head. “It didn’t erase you. You never know, Nolan. She might have stored all her memories of you away, so that it wouldn’t be able to touch you.”

I sighed sadly, stroking Regan’s hair. “Do you know if my dad is ever home anymore?”

The look in his eyes gave me the answer I had prayed wouldn’t be true. His lips fell into a frown and he sat up straighter, squeezed my hand tighter. “He’s scared, too, Nolan.”

Payton looked between the two of us for a moment before she cleared her throat. “Are you going to be okay alone, Nolan? I can extend my trip a few days.”

Payton had to leave in a few hours. I was grateful for her willingness to fly out and then fly right back home. Not a lot of friends would want to do that kind of thing. But I knew, no matter how badly I needed my best friend, she had to get home. She had responsibilities and family waiting for her there; it wouldn’t be fair to keep her here, while I wasn’t sure just how long I would be staying.

“I’ll be okay,” I told her. “You need to go home, anyway.”

“Where is home?” Garrett asked curiously, lightly.

I sighed, “Chicago.”

Payton must have known Garrett would ask what the sigh was for, so she immediately launched into an explanation. “She hates it there. She always goes on and on about how much she misses Arizona. And I always tell her that there’s nothing stopping her from leaving.”

“Regan’s friends are there,” I argued. “She’s about to start school in the fall. I can’t just uproot her now.”

Payton rolled her eyes, turning to face Garrett. “I tell her this is the perfect time to move, before Regan starts school. If she starts school in Chicago first, and Nolan decides to leave later, it’ll be twice as hard on Regan as opposed to them moving now, before bonds are made with teachers and other kids.”

Garrett’s eyes met mine and I waited. I waited for him to agree, because Lord knows he would. He would see the logic in her words because he had no idea about our life there. He didn’t know about the friends Regan had, or the friends and job I had; it sounded so simple to leave it all behind when you knew nothing about it.

Garrett shifted his attention to Payton. “Maybe it’s not that simple.”

“How?” Payton challenged.

Garrett shrugged. “She met you in Chicago, right?” When Payton nodded, Garrett continued. “Right, so, maybe Nolan’s past in Arizona is enough to make her wary on whether or not she returns. Maybe it wasn’t the best place for her and maybe – maybe she’s afraid that she won’t have any bonds left to fall back on if she needs help.”

“But her family is here-”

“And so is her past,” Garrett said, instantly cutting off Payton’s counter argument. “Her past might have some demons she isn’t ready to face yet.”

Before they could continue, I finally spoke. “I love it here but I need to figure out where things are going with my parents first, before any kind of decision is made.”

Payton sighed dramatically, unhappy with that response. “Come on, babygirl, you know you belong here.”

I held her gaze for a moment. She knew it and I knew it, and when I looked at Garrett, I could tell that he knew it, too. I was just afraid of admitting it aloud, for fear of what my past with Arizona could do to Regan.