‹ Prequel: Pretty Little Bones
Status: This story is dead. Odds of revival are slim to none. I'm so sorry.
Broken Bird
The Night Shift
Nighttime is the worst. Even if my brain lets me sleep, I still have to contend with my body. It's a matter of finding just the right positions that don't hurt or feel wrong and then maybe drifting away for a little while. I sleep in hourly shifts.
When I'm awake, I wander around the house (after I've exhausted staring at the walls and ceiling of my room or watching mindless hours of tv.) It feels good to actually move around, but I try not to think of anything or maybe I try to only think certain things...
Too late. I jump at shadows. I see his eyes in my head, and I feel like he's lurking everywhere. I can hear his laughter and the way I screamed even though I tried so hard not to. All of it goes through my head; I practically run back to my room. I look all around it, like he could be hiding in every corner and dark space, which is so stupid, and I know it.
I take deep breaths, which still hurts by the way, to try to clear my mind. I'm shaking, and I'm almost crying, and it's stupid. I want to close my eyes, but I don't know what's behind them.
"It's over," I tell myself, but it doesn't seem enough, and for once I find I loathe the sound of my own voice immensely, "It's over. Let it be over."
I wish Blaine could've stayed all night. It seems like if I weren't alone this wouldn't have happened. Of course, if it had, I'd have hated for him to see me this way. Still, all I can think of is how much better he could make this.
I've never felt more small, stupid, and alone. I climb carefully back into bed and try not to think anymore. I try not to think about that paranoid feeling at my back or that basic, pitiful need not to be alone right now. I think about how much I hurt and how uncomfortable life is now, but that's unavoidable; what I avoid is the cause. I reach slightly toward the cool, empty bed space beside me as if I could materialize company.
I think about sleeping again. I could escape feeling this way for an hour or so. The problem is feeling this way makes it hard to sleep.
And what if I have nightmares?
No. If I think about it, it's gonna happen. I can't think about it. I can't think about anything. Just sleep and how much I wish Blaine were still here. Those are okay subjects. They don't necessarily remind me of anything if I don't let them.
I'll just dwell on them until I can't physically stay awake any longer.
When I'm awake, I wander around the house (after I've exhausted staring at the walls and ceiling of my room or watching mindless hours of tv.) It feels good to actually move around, but I try not to think of anything or maybe I try to only think certain things...
Too late. I jump at shadows. I see his eyes in my head, and I feel like he's lurking everywhere. I can hear his laughter and the way I screamed even though I tried so hard not to. All of it goes through my head; I practically run back to my room. I look all around it, like he could be hiding in every corner and dark space, which is so stupid, and I know it.
I take deep breaths, which still hurts by the way, to try to clear my mind. I'm shaking, and I'm almost crying, and it's stupid. I want to close my eyes, but I don't know what's behind them.
"It's over," I tell myself, but it doesn't seem enough, and for once I find I loathe the sound of my own voice immensely, "It's over. Let it be over."
I wish Blaine could've stayed all night. It seems like if I weren't alone this wouldn't have happened. Of course, if it had, I'd have hated for him to see me this way. Still, all I can think of is how much better he could make this.
I've never felt more small, stupid, and alone. I climb carefully back into bed and try not to think anymore. I try not to think about that paranoid feeling at my back or that basic, pitiful need not to be alone right now. I think about how much I hurt and how uncomfortable life is now, but that's unavoidable; what I avoid is the cause. I reach slightly toward the cool, empty bed space beside me as if I could materialize company.
I think about sleeping again. I could escape feeling this way for an hour or so. The problem is feeling this way makes it hard to sleep.
And what if I have nightmares?
No. If I think about it, it's gonna happen. I can't think about it. I can't think about anything. Just sleep and how much I wish Blaine were still here. Those are okay subjects. They don't necessarily remind me of anything if I don't let them.
I'll just dwell on them until I can't physically stay awake any longer.