The Right Time to Ask

Brittany S. Pierce is not stupid.

People think she is, and some of those people even say it to her face. It makes her really sad, because she knows that they’re wrong, but she doesn’t know how to prove them wrong.

Now, there are lots of things that she doesn’t know. Like, math and science confuse her, and she doesn’t understand why they need to know things that already happen, and there are so many things to memorize. She’s getting better at some things - like Spanish, and the songs in Glee club - and that’s mostly because Santana’s nice enough to help her with them.

But Brittany understands things that other people don’t. Like, whenever Sam was going out with Quinn or Santana, he always looked really uncomfortable. And she was the one that told Sam to ask Mercedes out, but she didn’t find out that he actually did it until she went shopping with Kurt over the summer. She saw how Mr. Schue didn’t like some people in the glee club even though he said he loved everyone, like Kurt, and Puck, and Santana, and even Brittany herself. She knows that she’s hurting Kurt by running against him for president, but she knows what she wants, and she knows Kurt respects that, because he’s doing the same thing.

She also has traditions that she needs to keep up. Her perfect record, for one. Now that she’s a senior, she’s not going for the younger boys, but all the new kids she zeroes in on.

The only time she didn’t try to get her perfect record was with Sam, because she thought he was little G gay, but then she saw that he liked Mercedes, so she was nice and didn’t try to get with him. And he left McKinley anyway, so she doesn’t have to worry about it anymore.

She’s still a little upset with Rory, but she’ll get to him eventually. Besides, he’s living with her, and he’s still adorable and probably at least a little magical. There are a few random new boys, and she makes quick work of them, but Brittany’s still one boy away from having her perfect record.

Blaine Anderson.

Now, she’s not stupid, so she knows that he and Kurt are capital G gay together, but Blaine is super cute. He’s short, and there’s his shiny hair, and he’s a really good singer, and his eyebrows are triangles. They’re almost perfect, you know? And Brittany thinks they’re really cool.

But she wants to make sure that it’s okay. Because she understands things, like how Kurt got really sad at the beginning of junior year, and how he kept getting sadder and sadder until he went to spy, and Santana said that’s where they met, so maybe that’s why he stopped getting sadder. And then at Regionals, she liked how Kurt was actually happy and smiley and having fun. Then she found out that they were dating and she told Kurt that she had to meet Blaine and make sure he was good enough, and when he couldn’t find an answer to her questions, she got a little suspicious. But everybody does, so she said he was okay. Plus, he let her talk about Lord Tubbington without laughing or looking at her weird, so she thought he was really nice.

And Brittany knows that Kurt loves Blaine, and Blaine loves Kurt, and that they’re really cute and happy together, and that it would be really hot to watch them kiss. So she doesn’t want to mess them up with each other.

But she really wants to at least make out with Blaine.

When Finn had asked Rachel for a pen, though, Brittany was hit with inspiration. She’d have to ask Kurt to borrow Blaine, so he’d get Blaine back and Brittany could find out if his hair really is plastic or not.

Because she has to find out. She just has to.

The next day, after both of their glee club meetings are over, Brittany approaches Kurt. She knows he’s upset with her, but she doesn’t need to worry about that right now.

“So Kurt, I had something I wanted to ask you.”

“Go ahead.”

Brittany stopped in front of him, and said, “You remember my perfect record right? And how we made out even though you’re capital G gay?”

He shuddered. “I remember. What about it?”

“Well,” she continued, “since Blaine belongs to you right now, I wanted to ask your permission to make out with him. Because I’d really like to have a perfect record.”

Kurt didn’t say anything for a minute, and his face got really red and blotchy, and it’s the face that Santana likes to laugh at, but she’s not there, because she’s talking to Ms. Corcoran and Mercedes about their next performance. “Well?”

“Britt, that’s...I’d rather you didn’t. Blaine’s gay, sweetheart, God.” Kurt stopped himself and left her standing in the hallway. She was smiling.

At the end of the day, she saw Blaine at his locker and went up to him. “Hi, Blaine.”

“Hello, Brittany.” She kept staring at his hair; it was really shiny from the lights, but then she reminded herself that she had a job to do.

“So, Blaine. I already asked Kurt, so you don’t have to worry about that, but I was wondering if you’d make out with me.” When he didn’t say anything, she kept going. “I’ve made out with almost every guy in our grade, and I’d really like to have a perfect record.”

Blaine looked like he was trying to figure out what he was going to say, opening his mouth and closing it again. “Every guy except me?”

“Yep.”

“What about Kurt?”

“Yep. We made out in his room sophomore year. It was really nice; he didn’t taste like burgers and dip or anything, but he doesn’t like root beer lip gloss. And he wouldn’t kiss my armpits, but I guess that’s because he’s capital G gay and didn’t really want to sleep with me, but whatever.” Brittany smiled at him. “So will you do it?”

After a moment, Blaine told her very nicely, “While that is rather flattering, and illuminating, I’m sorry to have to say no. I’m with Kurt, now, and even if I wasn’t, I’m still gay.”

“Oh, ok. Bye Blaine!” Brittany turned to flounce off, but then she remembered his hair. When she turned around, he’d already gone, though.

Darn. I didn’t even get to ask to touch his hair.

A week later, Brittany was talking to Santana about what to get Lord Tubbington for his birthday when she saw Kurt and Blaine together.

Now, Brittany understands things. So when she saw how close they were, how they were touching each other in some way, by holding hands or brushing shoulders or putting an arm around the other, she saw her chance.

Running over towards them, she called, “Kurt! Since you and Blaine have had sex, can I? Pretty please?”

This time both of them started blushing a lot, and they both said “no” at the same time, starting to walk away quickly, still holding hands. Brittany watched them for a second before she called out again.

“Can I at least touch Blaine’s hair?”