Listen To Your Heart

I woke up the next morning, groaning from the pounding in my head. Once I was able to adjust enough to open my eyes, I got up and out of my bunk. I felt that the bus was moving and thanked god that someone made sure we got moving last night. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and some Advil from the cabinet. Once I took the Advil, I put on a pot of coffee and sat on the couch, rubbing my temples. I was the first one out of bed, which made sense since I was the first to sleep. I’m sure everyone else stayed up late drinking. I sighed and thought back to last night. Even though I was wasted, I luckily remembered most of the night. I was embarrassed with what happened with Eric, but I’d get over it. I was friends with Eric, so it was a little less awkward. But I knew John was good friends with Eric too, and I hoped that what happened didn’t change that.
The worst part about the night was how John had saved me. I mean, I was glad that he did, because I would have regretted sleeping with Eric, but him being nice to me only made it harder to forget about him. He keeps just consistently proving what a perfect guy he is, and it’s making my life really fucking difficult. And I hate how much I meant it when I told him that I missed him. But I hate it even more that he didn’t say it back.
He doesn’t miss me, and he shouldn’t. He’s better off without me. I just brought drama into his life. I caused him a lot of pain, so I don’t deserve to be missed. All this time I was thinking that he didn’t deserve me because of what he did, but I reality, I didn’t deserve him. He was and is the perfect guy, and if I condemned him for one mistake, I never deserved him at all.
My thoughts were interrupted by the ding of the coffeemaker, alerting me that it was ready. I got up and dragged my feet over to the counter and poured myself a cup. After standing there and sipping it for a moment, I put it down and poured another cup. I took both cups down the hallway of the bus and went to AJ’s bunk. I opened the curtain carefully and saw her sleeping. I nudged her until she woke up.
“Can I help you?” She groaned, squinting at me.
“I need a girl talk.” I smiled innocently, holding out a cup of coffee to her. She looked at it for a moment before sighing and sitting up, taking the coffee from my hand.
“This better be good.” She mumbled before taking a sip. I waited for her to get out of the bunk before we moved to the back lounge. We sat down and she stared at me while taking another sip of her coffee, waiting for me to speak.
“I think it’s really over with me and John.” I told her.
“And why do you think that?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.
“He came to talk to me and told me that he couldn’t do it anymore- you know, like keep trying to get me back- and that the constant rejection was killing him. And then he gave me one last chance to forgive him before he gave up and I was just like ‘I don’t know’ and he said that if I really wanted to be with him, I’d know it and as he was walking away, he was just like ‘we’re done’.” I rambled, speaking in run-on sentences.
“What? Damn, why didn’t you forgive him! You know that you want to be with him!” She scolded.
“I don’t know; I just froze! I didn’t know what to do. And at that point I thought I’d be okay without him.” I sighed, bringing my knees to my chest. “You know that saying ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’” I asked. She nodded. “Well it’s so fucking true.” I groaned, throwing my head back against the back of the couch.
“So you’re saying you want him back?” She asked, trying to clarify my point.
“Well yes and no. I’m not done yet.” I told her, sitting upright again. “So last night, as you’re probably aware, I got pretty wasted. I was really sad over everything that had happened and I needed to let loose. And as I was drinking, I started hanging out with Eric from A Rocket to the Moon, and after way to many shots, we were on our way to his bus.” I started but she cut me off.
“Oh my god! You slept with Eric!” She gasped.
“No! Be quiet, I’m not done yet!” I scolded. She nodded and mimed zipping her lips before waiting for me to continue. “Anyway,” I started again. “On our way, we passed John outside smoking. He just stared at us as we walked past and I stared back. But I was so drunk, so I just let Eric drag me to his bus. Once we got on, we kissed and whatever and were in his bunk and shirts got discarded when suddenly John rips open the curtain and makes Eric get off me and tells him off for trying to sleep with me and so on and then takes me off the bus and back to my bus and tucks me in. And he was all nice and sweet and in my drunken state I just blurted out ‘I miss you’ and he just stared at me before walking away.” I finished.
“Are you done?” She asked. I nodded. “Alright. So what was the whole point of that story? You want John back because he saved you from a drunken mistake or because he was nice to you or what?” She asked, still confused.
“No. I mean, all that stuff just reminds me what a perfect guy he is but that’s not the important part. The important part is that last night, I realized that I forgive him for cheating on me.” I told her.
“What? Why?” She asked, holding her head in confusion.
“Because all this time I thought the only way John could have ever cheated on me was because he didn’t truly love me and that I wasn’t enough for him. But after what I did last night, I don’t think that’s true anymore. I was sad and lonely, things I’m assuming John was due to missing me on tour, and extremely drunk, something John also was, and I literally gave up caring what I was doing. Even though I thought about John every second I was kissing Eric and even though I wanted to stop, I didn’t. And it had nothing to do with me not loving John, because I do; it was just the fact that I was lonely and sad and somehow thought sleeping with Eric would fix those things. And being drunk just made my inhibitions and sense fly right out the window. So I get it now. I understand how he could have let it happen. And I don’t resent him for it anymore. I forgive him.” I explained.
“Okay, I get it now. But what I don’t get is why the hell are you telling me this and not John so you guys can get back to together!” She exclaimed.
“Well, there are two reasons for that. One, he seemed pretty serious about us being over, and I want to respect his decision. He wants to let us go and move on, so it’s only fair that I let him. And second, I realized that I don’t deserve him. I let one stupid mistake come between us and he deserves someone better than that. He deserves someone that is able to see how much he loves them. He deserves better than me, and it’s only right that I give him the chance to find her.” I sighed.
“Jamie. If you weren’t my boss, I would slap you right now.” AJ stared at me dumbfounded.
“What? Why?” I frowned.
“Because that is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“But-”
“No. Stop it.” She cut me off. “Stop with the excuses. You and John love each other and you want to be with each other. You need to stop thinking and just go with your heart. We all know that you two will end up together in the end, so stop delaying the inevitable. When this bus stops, you go find your man and you get him back!” She ordered.
“But he deserves better-” I started.
“Better? Jamie, you’re amazing! But it really doesn’t matter what I think of you. It matters what John thinks and John thinks that you are the fricken’ light of the world or some shit. I don’t know, but I know that he is head over heels in love with you and you are the perfect girl for him and he is the perfect guy for you so get over it!” She stated exasperated, throwing her hands up.
“But-” I tried.
“No! God, why are you so difficult! There are no buts! You know what I think. I think you’re scared. You are afraid that when you guys get back together, you’ll be even more in love than before, and when he hurts you, it’ll hurt even worse than this time. And yes Jamie, he will hurt you, and you will hurt him. Because love hurts. There is no way people can spend their lives together and not fuck up once in a while and hurt each other because that’s how life works. But you guys will get through it because you love each other. So stop being scared of the future and just embrace it. Because someone the loves you as much as John does will hurt you a lot less in the long run than whoever you end up with if you let him get away.” She told me sternly. I sighed and gave up on arguing.
“Why is this so hard?” I asked, looking at her.
“Because you’re making it hard and I’m not sure why.” She sighed, sitting back on the couch.
“Yeah. I’m not sure why either.” I sighed.