Everyone Feels Broken Sometimes

The smell of food was tempting me but I stayed strong. I knew once I put the first bite of food in my mouth it would be impossible to stop. Instead I took a sip of water and convinced myself it would suffice as I looked around. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and I knew guys had been looking me up and down all night but the one I wanted to notice me didn’t.

All I wanted was for John to look at me and realize that I wasn’t chubby, little Emmy Halvorsen anymore. I had changed this past year at college. I’d lost my baby fat and tonight I was wearing a skirt shorter than anything anyone had ever seen me in. None of this registered with John though. As soon as he’d walked into the party he’d hugged me, told me he’d missed hanging out with his “adoptive little sis,” and then kissed me on the cheek before walking off.

I had expected a better greeting than this. I mean I had been at school and had barely seen John, or any of the other guys from The Maine, during the year. When it was time for me to come home for the summer the guys were in the middle of a tour so I still wasn’t able to see them. In all honesty, I was hoping this time away from John would help him realize that I wasn’t just Eric’s little sister, instead I was someone he loved. Obviously this wasn’t the case. John still saw me as Emmy, Eric’s little sis.

Being only two years younger than Eric, we were extremely close and I also became close to his friends. I had grown up hanging around Eric’s friends so it was just natural for them to be my friends also. Eric and John O’Callaghan had been best friends since they were little and both shared a love for music. John joined The Maine while Eric joined A Rocket to the Moon. I’d been in love with John for as long as I could remember but the feeling was nowhere near mutual.

It was no surprise though why my love for John was unrequited. Up until this year I’d been chubby and lacked confidence. I was never fat, but I’d never been skinny either. I decided to change that this year and had succeeded. As for the confidence, I was still working on that.

“Emmy?”

I turned around to see Garrett Nickelsen standing behind me with a shocked expression on his face.

“Hey Gare. How was tour?” I smiled.

“It was good,” Garrett paused. “You…uh…you look different Em.”

I nervously started playing with my dark hair. This was a bad habit both Eric and I shared. “Do I look good different or bad different?”

“No, no…you don’t look bad. You just don’t look like Emmy.”

“Yeah, Eric wasn’t very happy when he saw me wearing this short skirt.” I nervously laughed.

“Well it is pretty short. I mean you look good in it; it’s just not you, at least not the you I’m used to. I guess you’ve changed some though.” Garrett began rubbing the back of his neck and I knew he was nervous with this conversation. Garrett and I had also been friends for a while so I knew his bad habit when he was nervous was rubbing his neck.

“I was just ready for a change. I was tired of being Emmy Halorsen, Eric’s cute but chubby little sister.”

“You were never chubby, Emmy.”

“Don’t lie, Garrett. I was chubby and I was tired of never being noticed because of it.”

Garrett sighed. “Just because John never noticed you doesn’t mean nobody ever noticed you.”

“You don’t know what it was like, okay Garrett?” I snapped.

“I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t mean to make you mad. How about we change the conversation and talk about something else while getting some food. We can ditch this party and go to our diner.”

“I’m not that hungry. I actually need to use the restroom so I’ll talk to you later.”

Garrett’s face fell. “Yeah, ok, that’s fine. I’ll see you later Emmy.”

I walked away from Garrett feeling frustrated and upset. I had made all of these changes to myself and no one cared. Eric bitched that my skirt was too short, John didn’t see me as anything other than a friend, and Garrett talked about how I’d “changed.”

I finally got to the bathroom and quickly shut the door. Walking across the house had made me feel dizzy so I grabbed onto the sink to hold myself up until the dizziness passed. It wasn’t going away though. In fact I was feeling weaker by the second. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. I decided to go to my bedroom so I could lay down for a bit and I reached for the doorknob. I never made it to the door though because I collapsed and everything went black before I could reach it. I knew I should get up but I was just so tired and weak that I decided to stay on the bathroom floor.

I don’t know how long I laid on the floor before someone found me. Garrett was the first one to find me and I could hear him asking me if I was okay while he shook my shoulder. I wanted to tell him that I was fine and to stop bugging me but no words would come out. Talking seemed like too much effort so I just stayed as I was.

After that I floated in and out of sleep. I remember hearing voices yelling, especially Garrett’s and Eric’s. I also remember being picked up and the sounds of sirens. I feel asleep for good after that though and don’t remember anything else.
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I opened my eyes slowly and was nearly blinded by the whiteness of the room. Everywhere I looked it was stark white. There was a faint beeping noise by my head and I tried to turn to see what it was coming from but the cords attached to my body stopped me.

“Emmy? Are you awake?”

I looked up to see Eric standing over me. I nodded. “Where am I?”

“You’re at the hospital.”

“Why?”

“You collapsed at the party last night. Garrett tried waking you up but you wouldn’t so we called 911. Em, the doctors said you haven’t been eating. They said you’re…you’re anorexic.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The secret I had been hiding for months was finally out in the open.

I decided to change the subject. “When can I leave here?”

“The doctor’s said you could leave tomorrow morning but…um…you’re not going home. Mom and dad are checking you into rehab.”

“Rehab?!” I exclaimed. “Eric, I can’t go to rehab. Rehab is for drug addicts or alcoholics. Fine, I haven’t been eating as well as I should. I can fix that though. I’ll start eating more, I promise.”

Eric shook his head. “The doctor’s said you haven’t been eating properly for months. Emmy, you’re slowly killing yourself. Don’t you realize this?!”

I suddenly realized how serious this situation was. Eric was on the verge of tears and he rarely cried. The only times I remembered seeing him cry were when he broke his arm when he was five and when our dog we’d had for twelve years had died. Other than those times he was happy-go-lucky.

“How long will I be in rehab? A few weeks?”

“The doctors recommend you stay at rehab for two months.”

“Well I’m supposed to go back to school in three weeks so that’s just too bad. I guess I’ll have to leave early.”

Eric scoffed. “Mom and dad said you’ll just stay home from school this semester. They want to make sure you make a full recovery. If you’re doing better by January then they may let you go back for second semester.”

“This is bullshit!” I yelled.

“No, you know what is bullshit? You think you have to stop eating for some odd reason.

That’s bullshit, Emmy. Why’d you do it?”

I shrugged. “I was tired of not feeling pretty. I was tired of being insecure.”

“So you decided to stop eating and nearly kill yourself? Damn it Emmy, that’s the dumbest thing either one of us has either done…and I’ve done some incredibly dumb things.”

“Well lucky for you, I am now the family fuck-up.” I yelled back at Eric.

Eric sighed. “Em, please, I don’t want to fight. I want to help you. This is going to be tough but I want to help you. Emmy, you’re my sister and my best friend. I don’t know what’d I do if…if I lost you.”

I was on the verge of breaking down. “I’m sorry, Eric. I really am.”

“I know. We’re getting you help though. Now get to sleep. I’m driving you to rehab tomorrow.”

I nodded and tried to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night long though. Rehab was the last place I wanted to go. I just wanted to go back home and keep living how I was. I didn’t want to become chubby again. I’d worked too hard to gain all my weight back.

The morning finally came and Eric walked into my room with a smile on his face.

“Are you ready to get out of here?” He smiled.

“I guess,” I mumbled.

“Hey, it’ll be alright. I promise.”

I rolled my eyes but kept my mouth shut. In the back of my mind though I was thinking about how my brother shouldn’t make promises he couldn’t keep.

I got into Eric’s car and we took off. About thirty minutes later we pulled up to a building with a sign that read “Desert Sun Rehab Facility.” It took everything I had to get out of the car and walk in the doors.

Eric checked me in and a nurse led me back to my room where my parents were waiting for me. I unpacked the belongings I’d need for the next two months and then talked to my family until visiting hours were over.

As my family was getting ready to leave Eric handed me a piece of paper.

“What’s this?” I asked with a confused look on my face.

“It’s a schedule the guys and I created. Mom, dad, and I will be in here nearly every day visiting you but the guys want to visit you also. John will come every Monday, Jared on Tuesdays, Kennedy on Wednesdays, Pat on Thursdays, and Garrett on Fridays. The guys from Rocket will visit whenever they’re in town.”

I forced a smile. “Thanks, Eric.”

This was going to be a long two months.
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Those two months in rehab were some of the longest of my life. I was so grateful for the schedule the boys had made up. Knowing I was going to see one of them made the day go by a bit faster. One day always went slowly though and that was Friday. Friday was Garrett’s day but he never showed up. There were eight Fridays while I was in rehab and Garrett didn’t show up to a single one. I knew he was probably mad about what I’d done to myself but I didn’t realize he’d be this mad.

I would casually bring up the subject of Garrett around the other guys and make sure he was doing okay. The guys would just look at me with pity in their eyes. They knew I was upset that Garrett wasn’t visiting me. I could tell they were a bit mad at Garrett for not visiting but I could also tell they knew something I didn’t, and no matter how hard I tried to get it out of them they refused to tell me. I even bugged Eric about it but he just gave me a look and said something about how it wasn’t his place to get involved.

Even with the disappointment of Friday every week, my time in rehab eventually came to an end. All of my belongings were packed and I was sitting in the lobby waiting on Eric to come pick me up. I was surprised though when it was Garrett who walked through the doors instead of my brother.

“Are you ready to go?” He grumbled. So much for a warm welcome.

“Yeah, you have to sign me out first,” I motioned to the secretary at the front counter.

I followed Garrett up to the desk and silently watched as he signed the paperwork. They asked for his id and he opened up his wallet to grab it. When he opened his wallet a picture grabbed my attention and surprised me. It was a picture of us from our senior prom. Neither one of us had dates so we decided to go together as friends. I hid all the pictures I had of us at prom, not because I had a bad time, but because that was when I was at my heaviest. I hated looking back and seeing how ugly I looked so I had no clue why Garrett kept it. This gave me some hope though that Garrett still cared about me.

Garrett and I walked back to the car and began driving back home to Tempe. The first few minutes of the ride were silent and it was nearly killing me. Garrett and I were never silent around each other. We always had something to talk about.

“Thanks for coming and picking me up,” I softly said, to break the silence.

“It wasn’t by choice,” Garrett said as his eyes never left the road. “The guys said I had to pick you up since I never came to visit you.”

“Oh, I see,” I said as I tried to stop the tears from falling. Silence once again fell over the car.

I decided to give the conversation one more try. “Why do you still have that picture of us at prom in your wallet?”

Garrett finally glanced at me. “I like it.”

“Why? I was so fat back then.”

Garrett gripped the steering wheel harder and his knuckles began turning white. “Because it reminds me that at one time you were happy. There was happiness in your eyes. Now all I see is emptiness and you’ve put yourself through hell to try and find that happiness again.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so mad over this. I mean the other guys told me I was stupid and I realize that but they got over it. Why can’t you get over it also?”

“I can’t get over it because I think it’s complete bullshit that you can’t see yourself like I see you. You are so beautiful but you don’t see it. Instead you see all your imperfections and let your insecurities get the best of you.”

“I obviously wasn’t happy with myself, Garrett. That’s why I became anorexic.”

“Anorexia doesn’t accomplish anything except slowly killing yourself.”

“It accomplished a few things. I felt better about myself. The only thing it didn’t accomplish was getting John to notice me.”

“It always leads back to John, doesn’t it?” Garrett sarcastically said as he shook his head.

“At least he came to visit me in rehab. At least he cares,” I spat back.

“He cares? Who was the one who found you and called 911?” Garrett yelled. We had pulled into my driveway by this point but neither one of us was moving. “I am so fucking tired of being compared to John. I’m my own person. Do you realize that? Of course you don’t because you only have eyes for John. Damn it Emmy, you can’t even fucking see what is right in front of you.”

“What are you talking about?”

Garrett gave a sarcastic laugh. “Nothing, Em. I’m not talking about anything.”

“You’re obviously talking about something or else you wouldn’t be this mad.”

“I’m done, Em.” Garrett whispered. “I’m done trying. I’m not going to take drastic measure like you.”

“Gare, I still have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about how I’m tired of fighting John for you attention.”

“Gare, I…”

“Emmy, you should probably go inside. Your family’s expecting you.”

I nodded and grabbed my bags before Garrett drove off. I tried to hold it together as I walked up to the house but all I wanted to do was go to my bedroom and cry.

I walked in the door and was shocked when I heard people yell, “surprise! Welcome home.”

“We’re so glad you’re back, honey,” My mom smiled as she engulfed me in a hug.

“Where’s Garrett, Emmy? He was supposed to come in with you,” My dad said.

“Oh, he had to do something at home,” I lied.

“Well text him and tell him he can come later,” My mom said. “Now go and say hi to everyone here. They’ve missed you.”

I forced a smile and acted as if I was going to say hi to everyone but instead I ran to find my brother. I finally found him hanging out with his friends.

John was the first one to notice me and he flashed a smile. “Hey Emmy, I’m glad you’re back home. Tempe isn’t the same without you. Whenever I come to your house I’m forced to hang out with Eric.”

I laughed but it was fake. One thing I noticed though was that the butterflies didn’t erupt in my stomach anymore when I was around John. Now that I thought about it, they hadn’t erupted around him in a while.

“Thanks John. Hey Eric, can I talk to you for a second?”

Eric and I walked away from everyone and he could immediately tell I was upset about something. “Emmy, what’s wrong?”

“Garrett said something about how I can’t see what’s right in front of me and he’s tired of waiting. What did he mean?”

Eric gave a knowing look. “Em, Garrett’s been in love with you for years. You never noticed though because you were too busy crushing on John. That’s why Garrett was so upset when he found out about you being anorexic. He hated that you were changing yourself for John when he loved you just how you were.”

“He…he…loves me?” I stuttered out.

“Oh yeah. I think he loves you more than you love John. You’re totally oblivious to it though. I mean everyone else knows he’s in love with you…everyone except you.”

“I don’t love John anymore though. I realized that we were never meant to be more than friends.”

“You know what you have to do then.” Eric smirked.

I nodded before quickly taking off and grabbing my keys. I heard my parents and some of the other guests call after me as I walked out the door but I ignored them. I had to get to Garrett before he changed his mind about me.

I sped the entire way to Garrett’s house while praying I wouldn’t get into an accident. I finally made it there and ran up to the door where I pounded on it until he answered.

“What the heck, Emmy?” Garrett said irritably when he answered.

“Gare, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”

A look of knowing passed over his face. “Who told you?”

“Eric did. I’m so sorry for not realizing it sooner.”

“Well I understand why you didn’t. I mean you were too busy not eating and changing yourself for John.”

I shook my head. “John and I aren’t meant to be though. I mean he barely knows anything about me. You know everything. You know my favorite scenes in Harry Potter, the ones I watch on repeat a million times. You know that I hate crust on bread and refuse to eat it…and so much more. Gare, you’re the one meant for me.”

“It’s a little late for you to realize that, isn’t it?”

“Better late than never, right?” I smiled hopefully.

Garrett didn’t say anything. I walked closer to him and wrapped my arms around him as I looked up at him. “Gare, I know it took me forever to figure everything out. I know I still have problems and I’m still insecure but can we try this? Can we try us?”

Garrett sighed. “I don’t know, Em. I don’t know if my heart can take anymore.”

“If I promise to fix your heart will you promise to fix me?”

Garrett slowly nodded before leaning down and kissing me. I had always dreamed of kissing John but I knew kissing Garrett was ten times better. I could be myself around him and he didn’t care. Garrett saw me for who I truly was and accepted me…and in the end, that’s what matters.