Status: On hiatus
It's You, I Suppose
You
He was one of those rare romantic people. And not romantic in a sense that he was romantic towards anyone specifically, but romantic in the way that he saw the world and in the way the world perceived him. When his name is seen one thinks of a classic hero. When his voice is heard it reminds one of a love song. When one reads the words he had so carefully selected to write one could not help but recall a Shakespearian sonnet. When one saw his eyes, they would not be able to look away from the deep sadness that seems to be permanently instilled in the beautiful grey.
And so in this way I justified my falling for him. I allowed myself the freedom to dream that all of his wildly romantic ways could somehow be channeled towards me and only me. That the smile on his lips could, somehow, be for me and no one else.
How foolish I was.
It became all too clear to me that this new crush was more than an infatuation, more than an obsession; it was beyond any crush I had previously had. I didn't love him, not yet, but what I felt for him was beyond that of 'liking'. Even now, I cannot find an expression or a word that let's me express my half way between feelings.
Due to my lack of phrasing, I shall say I was, no, am, in love with him. Not passionately, but deeply, with an understanding that he completed me perfectly.
My feelings, although deep, weren't sudden. It took me a long time to realize that I had been falling for him, ever so gradually, since we had met three years ago under the bright theater lights. Then in a gym class, and then again learning French.
Mon amour, at first I was side tracked and distracted by other boys, boys who made me laugh and boys who made me cry. Boys who were tall and boys who wore cool shoes. Boys who kept my eyes from straying to you.
But it was more than a distraction. It was a saving grace. At that point in my life I wouldn't have been ready to love you, and I most certainly wouldn't have been ready to be hurt by you either.
So I subconsciously waited, my heart growing ever more attached to you. And when the time came for me to realize what my heart had known all along, it was time for you to tell me that even though I was ready, we weren't.
Simply put, in that moment, in that present snapshot of time, you said we weren't meant to be together. And because I love you, I agreed.
I moved on. But one does not simply move on and leave behind feelings as deep as mine for you. One does not let go of a soul mate just because the timing is not right.
Because you, my romantic and sad boy, were, and are, and forever will be, my soul mate.
And so in this way I justified my falling for him. I allowed myself the freedom to dream that all of his wildly romantic ways could somehow be channeled towards me and only me. That the smile on his lips could, somehow, be for me and no one else.
How foolish I was.
It became all too clear to me that this new crush was more than an infatuation, more than an obsession; it was beyond any crush I had previously had. I didn't love him, not yet, but what I felt for him was beyond that of 'liking'. Even now, I cannot find an expression or a word that let's me express my half way between feelings.
Due to my lack of phrasing, I shall say I was, no, am, in love with him. Not passionately, but deeply, with an understanding that he completed me perfectly.
My feelings, although deep, weren't sudden. It took me a long time to realize that I had been falling for him, ever so gradually, since we had met three years ago under the bright theater lights. Then in a gym class, and then again learning French.
Mon amour, at first I was side tracked and distracted by other boys, boys who made me laugh and boys who made me cry. Boys who were tall and boys who wore cool shoes. Boys who kept my eyes from straying to you.
But it was more than a distraction. It was a saving grace. At that point in my life I wouldn't have been ready to love you, and I most certainly wouldn't have been ready to be hurt by you either.
So I subconsciously waited, my heart growing ever more attached to you. And when the time came for me to realize what my heart had known all along, it was time for you to tell me that even though I was ready, we weren't.
Simply put, in that moment, in that present snapshot of time, you said we weren't meant to be together. And because I love you, I agreed.
I moved on. But one does not simply move on and leave behind feelings as deep as mine for you. One does not let go of a soul mate just because the timing is not right.
Because you, my romantic and sad boy, were, and are, and forever will be, my soul mate.