Status: On hiatus
It's You, I Suppose
Outcast Consequences
I think I have some explaining to do.
I never meant to break her heart. In fact, that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. When I made her cry that night I wished I could have cut out my heart and given it to her. I wished I had been able to take her in my arms and make everything better.
I wished I could have told her I loved her.
I often wondered how our lives would have been different if I hadn't rejected her that night. In my mind I pictured us doing the things any normal couple would do. Walks in the park, dinner and movie dates, meeting her father and taking her to prom; the videos of unlived moments replayed over and over in my head, reminding me that that was not my life, nor would it ever be.
Why? Why, if I was so much in love with her, wouldn't I ask her out and make her the happiest girl in the world?
Answer? I was an outcast, a loner, a boy without much of an anchor. I wasn't this way by choice, it just happened to be my nature. I didn't attach myself to anyone and, even in the case of my family, I didn't allow myself to feel deeply for anybody.
I had told her this once, to which she replied my ability to keep people at arms length was in all actuality a handicap. In my memory I can still hear her say, "People weren't meant to be alone Matt, they were meant to love and be loved, and if they do not, what they're living cannot really be called life at all."
Even though in the deepest corner of my heart I knew she was right, I argued against her until she finally gave up. Debate had never been her strong suit, logic and philosophy also being her weaker points, and it wasn't a challenge for me.
But I regretted ever starting the fight when she shook her head in defeat and walked away.
She was always walking away, and I see now it wasn't because she wanted to, it was because I was always forcing her to. It was me, me who always hurt her, always beat her, always told her she was wrong. It was me, playing the part of the outcast.
Ella, one day, when I'm strong enough and ready to shake off the part of me that's keeping me from you, I will prove to you how wrong I was.
I never meant to break her heart. In fact, that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. When I made her cry that night I wished I could have cut out my heart and given it to her. I wished I had been able to take her in my arms and make everything better.
I wished I could have told her I loved her.
I often wondered how our lives would have been different if I hadn't rejected her that night. In my mind I pictured us doing the things any normal couple would do. Walks in the park, dinner and movie dates, meeting her father and taking her to prom; the videos of unlived moments replayed over and over in my head, reminding me that that was not my life, nor would it ever be.
Why? Why, if I was so much in love with her, wouldn't I ask her out and make her the happiest girl in the world?
Answer? I was an outcast, a loner, a boy without much of an anchor. I wasn't this way by choice, it just happened to be my nature. I didn't attach myself to anyone and, even in the case of my family, I didn't allow myself to feel deeply for anybody.
I had told her this once, to which she replied my ability to keep people at arms length was in all actuality a handicap. In my memory I can still hear her say, "People weren't meant to be alone Matt, they were meant to love and be loved, and if they do not, what they're living cannot really be called life at all."
Even though in the deepest corner of my heart I knew she was right, I argued against her until she finally gave up. Debate had never been her strong suit, logic and philosophy also being her weaker points, and it wasn't a challenge for me.
But I regretted ever starting the fight when she shook her head in defeat and walked away.
She was always walking away, and I see now it wasn't because she wanted to, it was because I was always forcing her to. It was me, me who always hurt her, always beat her, always told her she was wrong. It was me, playing the part of the outcast.
Ella, one day, when I'm strong enough and ready to shake off the part of me that's keeping me from you, I will prove to you how wrong I was.