Who Wouldn't Want To Be Me

Suddenly the doorbell ringing startled me, and I realized I’d fallen asleep; I’d missed basically the entire movie.
“Hello?” I asked, and when I opened the door saw a haggard Jordan standing there.
“Hey… I figured I’d come and stop here first… where’s Becka?” he asked.
“Staying with Torrie; she didn’t want to be alone tonight, but she didn’t…”
“Want me there. I know, she texted me. She’s already booked a flight back to Thunder Bay beginning of next week, so she can ‘have some space’ away from me,” he finished, sitting down hard on a kitchen chair.
I walked to the fridge and took out a beer for him, twisting the top off and sitting it in front of him.
“Thanks. How do you always know just what to do Cam?” he asked, catching me off guard.
“What?”
“You always know just what to do or just what to say. Like with Torrie, you knew how to handle that, and she asked me why I couldn’t be more understanding like you… we kind of got into a shouting match at the rink,”
“What? More like… where is this coming from?” I asked, sitting down across from him, completely flabbergasted.
“Because you and Becka are always on the same page, and Becka always talks about how great you are and how you do this for her and that for her… all of that stuff. So now because I don’t know exactly what I want and I’m not sure where things are going I apparently need to be more like you,” he said, and I heard the slight anger in his voice.
“Like shit you need to be more like me. Dude, if I could switch and be you I definitely would; you aren’t chicken shit to tell people how it is, I can’t do that. I just pussyfoot around most shit and try to find the easy way to solve it,” I said, but he shook his head.
“Doesn’t do me any good; most people just think I’m an asshole because of it.”
“That’s not true,” I argued.
“It is true! And Torrie always gets mad because girls hit on me, and it’s not like I can do anything about that! If I walk into a bar and some girl walks up to me to talk to me I can’t exactly stop her; but it’s not like that would matter. I swear to god if I even so much as look in another girl’s general direction she flies off the handle at me,” he burst, and I nodded, sitting there quietly. It seemed like there was a lot he needed to get off of his chest, and it must have been building up for a while.
“And then whenever I go somewhere with her she has to tell everybody about how we’re dating and it’s just… God! If she can’t be comfortable enough with me to just let people think whatever the hell they want to and trust me why does she want to be with me?” he got louder and louder, his pent up anger and confusion getting the best of him as he finally let it all pour out. I sat there quietly, nodding and gently encouraging my best friend to keep talking, and after about a half and hour he had finally gotten it all off his chest, and he looked more exhausted and worn-out than before.
“And the worst part is, I don’t even know if I love her anymore,” he whispered, shocking me. I knew things weren’t great – hell, now I knew just how bad they’d been – but I’d never questioned that Jordan had loved her.
“Why’s that?”
“Because everything between us changed, and it changed before she moved out here Cam. All of that shit started getting worse; she’d been acting like that before but never to the extent that she did after she moved in with me. I just can’t see her being it anymore, and I don’ t know what to do. I can’t stay with her if I don’t love her anymore,” he quietly admitted, and I sat there, shocked. Jordan had just told me what had to be his deepest, darkest secret, and I was completely unprepared for it. Instead I reached over and put my hand on his arm, the only form of comfort I could think of right now.
“If you don’t love her it’s not fair to either of you to stay together Jordan. I don’t really know what else to tell you,”
“Thanks Cam; at least I know you’re trying. As much as the guys want to care it’s not really their thing to deal with this kind of shit,” he managed a rough chuckle, and I nodded. Some of the married guys would have some advice, but more often than not would tell the guys it was ‘their girlfriend’ and therefore ‘their responsibility’ to figure it out on their own.
“Well when your best friend growing up was a girl you learn,” I shrugged, and he laughed again.
“God, I don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes Cam,” he said, those ice blue eyes looking up at me and suddenly I felt like Jordan could see right through me. This was the Jordan that only a few people knew; the Jordan who let things bother him, who wasn’t completely self-assured, the Jordan who was still just a young guy trying to figure his life out. It hit me then, just how betrayed he would feel when he did find out I was a girl. I had no illusions that it would never happen, I just hoped it would be in a year or two down the road that my teammates would find out; after I’d proved myself to the team and that I could play in the NHL and compete. I don’t think I could handle it if Jordan felt too betrayed to continue our friendship.
“I don’t either,” I whispered, looking down at the table and my fidgeting hands.
“Sorry, I should probably stop drinking and get some sleep,” he said a few minutes later, but looked reluctant to do so.
“If you want to yeah, I think I’m going to re-watch that movie. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep like ten minutes in,” he smirked at me, before looking sober again.
“Is it cool if I watch the movie too?”
“Of course it is, why wouldn’t it be? I’m not your mother,” I rolled my eyes at him, and for the first time all night Jordan laughed; an honest, from his stomach laugh.
“Good point. What were you watching?”
“The first half of the last Harry Potter movie,” I said, flopping back down onto the couch. Jordan pulled his hoodie off and shucked off his shoes before making himself comfortable on the Lazy Boy chair. We didn’t talk or anything, just sat there silently and watched the movie. I was all too aware that he was only a few feet away from me, and about three quarters of the way in realized he’d finally dozed off. I turned the volume down, not wanting to wake him, and gently reclined the chair all the way back so he was laying down. I grabbed a couple of blankets and covered him up before softly lifting up his head and sliding a pillow onto the headrest so he would be a little more comfortable. After I shut the TV off and the kitchen lights I crawled into my warm bed, and dozed off.