Who Wouldn't Want To Be Me

As we got onto the jet and took our seats I was quiet, not knowing what to say right now. I put my iPod on, and turned it up fairly loud, hoping to drown out my thoughts so I could get some sleep on the flight there, and while I’m sure Jordan noticed and knew something was up, I didn’t offer any explanation for my actions. Our conversation earlier had almost scared me; the fact that Jordan cared enough about our friendship to worry himself like that, and the fact that Jordan meant enough to me for me to feel this awful about my secret. Never before had I felt guilty about pretending to be a guy, and although I’d made some friends through hockey I’d never made friends like I had here in Pittsburgh. Jordan was like my other half; the person who could finish my thoughts, who would always be up for the same thing, whether it was getting something to eat, having a beer or playing Call of Duty; we were like the same person split into two. It was weird, but at the same time it was one of the coolest things to ever happen to me.

So I couldn’t imagine what would happen if I lost him.

I knew that us being this close and not telling him wasn’t a good idea. But at the same time I wasn’t sure just how he’d take the news that I wasn’t Cameron Bates, the small and polite guy who his ex had compared him to; I was Cameron Bates, the rough-around-the-edges girl who loved hockey enough to give up her entire life for it. And the other thing that scared me was that I’d never cared enough about one of my teammates to actually want to tell them my secret. Becka would more than likely tell me I was losing it, and that’s why I’d refrained from telling her about this, even though it kept me up most of the night last night. Ever since I’d come to the realization that it would kill him to find out I’d been lying to him the whole time we’d known each other it had almost haunted me. Sometimes even just being around my best friend was hard, especially when he was so vulnerably honest with me, like he’d been earlier.

“Bates?” I jumped when I felt someone tap my shoulder, and paused my music as I pulled out an ear bud.

“Huh?”

“Sorry to wake you up, but are you okay?” Steve asked, sliding into Jordan’s empty seat. More than likely he was closer to the front of the plane playing Call of Duty on his PSP with Sid, Marc and Letang.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine… why do you ask?” I stuttered, and he shrugged.

“You just seem off; you’re in your little bubble and haven’t had anything to do with anybody since we left the CONSOL Center. Everything all right with you and Becka?” he asked, and I shrugged. It was all right, but I still felt weird about her pretending to be my girlfriend. Maybe it was getting close to the time we had our ‘breakup’ as we’d basically agreed on before.

“I don’t know, things are all right,” I said, and he nodded.

“But not the same, right?” again I nodded, not able to believe how intuitive Steve was. I missed just being a girl with my best friend; at least when I’d played junior hockey we could drive a couple of hours to a different town or city and get all dolled up and I could be a girl for a night, even if I called myself a different name to avoid being caught. But it was just too dangerous in Pittsburgh, especially after having cut my hair off and having been in multiple ads and commercials around the city.
“Right,”

“Don’t worry about it Cam; I’m sure she feels the same way. What’s meant to be will work out, so relax and enjoy yourself,” he told me, making me smile.

“I hope so; I’m going to call her before the game. She was worried about how she was going to cope all week with me gone,” Steve smiled then.

“There you go. See, if things weren’t meant to work out she wouldn’t care so much. Whether it’ll work out as just best friends again or something more I don’t know, but it’ll be okay. You two are so close, you know each other inside and out. A person can’t just throw that away,” the wisdom in his voice almost gave me chills, and I couldn’t help but hope that would apply to Jordan when he found out my secret. I just didn’t know when I could tell him. I mean, I was second in point production only to Crosby, but we were only five weeks into the season. By no means had I proved that I was a necessary part of this team yet, so I wasn’t sure that telling anybody was a good idea yet.

“Something else is bothering you… isn’t it?” Steve startled me once again, and I felt my cheeks turn pink. He raised an eyebrow, and while I wanted to tell him I decided against it.

“It’s nothing… just something I need to figure out on my own,” I mumbled, and after a moment he nodded.

“Some teenage thing, huh?” he asked, and I laughed.

“Not for long; I turn twenty the day we play the Rangers,” I grinned, and his eyes lit up.

“GUYS!” he hollered, and I felt myself sinking down in my seat. I’d meant it as a joke, if I’d known he was going to make a big deal of it I wouldn’t have opened my mouth.

“What?” was the complaint from most of the jet, while Dan raised an eyebrow.

“Cam’s birthday is the same day that we play the Rangers!” he announced, much to the surprise of almost everyone on the team.

“We have to celebrate!” Pascal decided, and Craig nodded.

“I agree; it’s not everyday it’s your birthday. It’s the big two-oh, right?” he asked, and I nodded.

“We’ll take you out!” Marc decided, but I shook my head.

“Marc, I turn twenty, not twenty-one,” I reminded him, but it was immediately dismissed by my younger teammates.

“Come on, you’re close enough,” Matty pushed, and again I shook my head. The last thing I needed was to get arrested for being a minor in a bar and having them pull my records and find out I was a girl and have everyone know that way.

“No, not close enough,” I insisted, hoping they’d take me seriously.

“Well we should at least have cake,” Jordan piped up, and I felt myself grinning at the idea of birthday cake.

“Oh! I know this really cool place that makes cakes in New York; I’ll take care of it!” James decided, and I couldn’t contain my smile now.

“Thanks guys, you really don’t have to do anything,” I told them, running a hand nervously through my hair.

“Are you kidding me? It’s your birthday Bates; lighten up and live a little,” Paul Martin said, giving me a quick nougie before returning to his seat. Ben came up to me and I covered the top of my head before he could follow suit.

“Aw come on, don’t you trust me? That’s just hurtful,” he complained, and just as I’d suspected as soon as I lowered my arms I was in another playful headlock.

“This is why I didn’t trust you,” I said, my voice wavering as his knuckles brushed over my head, making everybody laugh. After about five minutes of teasing and insisting and the guys all announcing different plans I sat back down and put my iPod back on, knowing that I wouldn’t have a say in the final plans anyway. I slowly drifted off to sleep, a smile on my face. It dawned on me then that Steve had probably brought it up to lighten up my mood, and I grinned realizing he’d accomplished that goal.