Who Wouldn't Want To Be Me

“H-hey, what’s up?” I asked, moving aside to let him in. He walked past me, and took off his shoes. He seemed agitated or like something was really, really bothering him.

“N-not much. What about you? How’re you feeling?” he asked, his questions coming out at high speed, tipping me off that he was really nervous about something.

“I’m good, good. Steve just dropped me off a few minutes ago. Uh, make yourself at home,” I gestured to the living room. Jordan sat down, wringing his hands and looking at his feet. I sat down on the far edge of the couch from him, feeling the awkward tension in the room growing thicker by the minute. It didn’t feel like the two of us just hanging out, and maybe it was because the past two weeks I’d been able to be a girl around Steve and Shelly that was making me think differently or act differently, but I couldn’t be sure.

“Jordan, are you—” I went to ask, but the quick look he sent me made the words die in my throat. His eyes looked tortured, like something was really bothering him.

“It’s just… I’ve been… oh shit,” he looked away, not able to make his words come out he way he wanted them to. I wanted to ask, to say anything to help him out.

“Jord—” he looked back over at me, his eyes silently pleading me to not say a word.

“Cam, there’s something that’s been on my mind for a long time, and I just… I don’t know how to say it, but… oh shit,” he sighed, and the next thing I knew he’d leaned across the couch and his lips were on mine. My eyes flew open in shock, before I realized that the strange sensation in my stomach was butterflies, and even fireworks exploding behind my eyelids as I closed my eyes. It was like something out of a fairytale, it felt so perfect and so right.

Then I remembered that to him I was a guy.

I pulled away then, my eyes wide, just as his were. Both of us were breathing heavily, and looked like deer in the headlights, unsure of what had just happened.

“Cam, I know this isn’t normal, for either of us. I like girls, and you know that, and I know you do too, but this… this is something different than anything I’ve ever felt before. You mean so much to me, and even if… even if I’m…” he struggled over the word that he didn’t even have to say, but felt the need to anyway. “If I’m… gay, I’d rather the whole world know that and me be happy with you than be miserable trying to deny it. I don’t even know if I am, I mean, I still like girls, a lot, but with you… with you things are different, you know?”

“I-I” I stuttered, trying to say something.

“I-it’s just… I mean you’re my best friend, and lately I started seeing you… in a different way. I know it’s weird and all but this is something I’ve never felt before, and I think you know what I mean,” he burst, and I still struggled to find something to say.

“Jordy, I know what you mean, but there’s something I have to tell you… and what would everybody think? I mean… the guys wouldn’t get it…” I started to babble, not sure of what to say. It just about killed me, I saw that small light in his eyes go out, and he moved away at lightening speed.

“Oh fuck, Cam… Cam I’m sorry, I just… I don’t know what I’m thinking… how could I be so fucking stupid?” his voice was gaining volume as his frustration increased.

“N-no, Jordan that’s not what I mean, it’s just that there’s some stuff I need to tell you, and then we should talk ab—“ he shook his head, and within seconds was out the door. I couldn’t even comprehend what had just taken place other than Jordan had kissed me and then I gave him the complete wrong impression.

I sat down hard on the couch, running through the last few minutes in my mind. Even though he thought I was a guy he knew there was something between us as more than friends. And he’d cared enough to let me know that even though that was something completely unnatural and horrifying for him. And now I’d screwed it up. He probably wouldn’t talk to me, and I wouldn’t get a chance to explain to him that I liked him too, but everybody would think I’d slept my way onto the hockey team if everyone knew I was a girl and we were together. It was just that none of it had came out as I’d wanted it to.

“Fuck!” I screamed, hitting my fist on the coffee table. Why could nothing just go right?