Who Wouldn't Want To Be Me

“So honey, what’s been bothering you?” Shelly asked immediately. She wasn’t one to beat around the bush on any subject. I felt my cheeks heat up immediately, and tried to figure out how to word this.

“Boy troubles?” was her immediate reaction. I nodded, forgetting just how good Shelly was at this stuff.

“Yeah… uh… one particular guy… that I maybe kind of like… but totally screwed everything up with…” I started, getting embarrassed and starting to stumble over my words and stutter a bit.

“Is it someone on the team?” she asked, and my face turned a darker shade of red as I nodded. Suddenly realization dawned on Steve’s face, and if it was even possible my face reddened some more.

“That’s why… damn I should’ve known…” he sat back in his chair, while Shelly looked impatiently between the two of us.

“Who? For God’s sake tell me who!” she demanded, and thankfully Steve answered for me.

“Staalsy. That’s why you two have been so weird around each other,” he said, and I nodded.

“Oh, Jordan? Really? Hon you could do better, what about Sid? He’s a nice, quiet boy, Jordan’s a little… rowdy,” she said, and I laughed a little.

“I know Shelly, but… we just clicked. I think it was there since we met at training camp, but I didn’t realize it until a month or so ago, maybe a little bit before that,” I explained, and she nodded.

“So what’s the problem?”

“Steve, he doesn’t know I’m a girl,” I reminded him, to which they both shrugged.

“So tell him; he’ll probably be relieved. I bet if you’re this tore up about it he feels it too,” Steve said matter-of-factly. I let out a huff, wishing he was more intuitive about this, like Shelly was.

“Something happened between the two of you, didn’t it?” she asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah… right after you’d dropped me off at home he came over, and tried to talk about it. He said that he knew it was weird but it was something he’d never felt before and that he was sure I felt it to. God, he kissed me!” I blurted, finally getting it off my chest. Both of their eyes widened and Steve’s jaw dropped.

“He kissed you?” I nodded, and suddenly his eyes flared. “He can’t just do that to you! I’ll kick his ass for doing that to my little girl!”

“Steve, he doesn’t know I’m a girl,” I felt the hot tears at the back of my eyes then and stared down at my feet.

“So he kissed you… thinking you were a boy?” he asked slowly, and I nodded.

“It was bothering him too Steve, but he thought because we were such good friends and felt this way that it must be something special. Shit, for Jordan to talk about stuff like that says a lot about how much it means to him, you know how he is,” Steve nodded, and Shelly nodded, softly gesturing for me to continue.

“Then I tried to say that I had to tell him something – I was going to tell him right then and there, I really was – and that it would be weird for the team and what would people think if we were together, and he took it the wrong way. I meant that everybody would think I’d slept my way onto the team if I was a girl and with him, but I didn’t get a chance to explain because he panicked. Shit, I don’t even blame him; he thought I rejected him and was making excuses to save my best friends’ feelings, and he left. He said he was sorry and didn’t know what he was thinking and seemed mad at himself and he just left. Now I can’t even talk to him or anything. So now I’ve fucked things up with my best friend and lost my chance all in one go,” I ended with a sob, swiping at the tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Oh honey you’re okay; you’re okay. Just give him some time to cool down, you know how worked up he gets. He’s pretty sensitive underneath that tough, play-boy façade, and you know that better than anybody,” Shelly was beside me in a heartbeat, hugging me and stroking my hair.

“I’m still gonna kick his ass; how could he just completely shut you out like that? Don’t you mean more to him than that? Because you should; you’ve been there for him like nobody else, and you’ve been through a lot together. Above all of that you’re teammates, and this shouldn’t affect anything at the rink,” Steve decided, sounding angry.

“Please don’t Steve; he just doesn’t know what to do. He completely opened up to me, God he basically said he didn’t care if he was gay if we were happy. And after all that I couldn’t just up and tell him. I hurt him Steve, to him I rejected not only his feelings but something that he has no control over, and he takes that kind of thing to heart,”

“Fine, fine. But I’m going to talk to him, you two need to talk. He can’t just shut you out without giving you a chance to explain yourself to him,” he compromised, making me smile a little.

“Thanks Steve,” I sniffled, feeling stupid about crying in front of my ‘other parents’ as they’d been named by the rest of the team, my mom and my uncle.

“No problem sweetheart, you know that,” he said, giving me a quick hug. It only took a few minutes for me to get myself under control, and Shelly to decide that I should spend the night at their place rather than be worrying about driving home.

“Shelly, it’s okay, honest—”

“No, you’re staying here,” she informed me, and at her ‘mom’ tone I knew not to argue. She went to go and make up the bed in the spare room for me, and Steve gave me a long look.

“You really care about him, don’t you Cam?” he asked, and after a moment I nodded.

“He means the world to me Steve; he’s my best friend, he knows me inside and out, and he’s just… he’s Jordan. I don’t know how to explain it, we just get each other. I just hope he knows that the only thing I wasn’t honest about was being a boy; everything else was me, is me. The way I act, talk or the things I’ve told him, everything except being a boy and “dating” Becka are true,” I said, and he nodded.

“Sweetheart, if he’s worth it, he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your tears, all right? Remember that for me?” he asked, pushing some hair off of my face. I nodded, and he smiled at me.

“Atta girl. Now time for bed; I’ll wake you up at a decent time so you can go home, shower and grab some gym clothes before we go work out,”