Who Wouldn't Want To Be Me

The car ride to the mall was fairly quiet, although Tanya looked as if she was about to burst the entire time. We listened to the radio, and I looked out the windows at the city; even though I’d been here a couple of times to play hockey I’d never seen more than a hotel, a restaurant or two and the rink. Lindsay did the same, quietly taking in the scenery going past the window and occasionally telling Tanya where to turn. It wasn’t until we parked in the underground parkade that the quiet was broken.

“Cam, is there something you need to tell us?” she asked, and I looked at her in confusion. I mean, it was weird enough that they’d asked me to come shopping with them, even though it wasn’t too much of a stretch for Lindsay, but now I was getting the feeling this trip had an ulterior motive.

“What?”

“I mean… you and Jordy are pretty… pretty close,” she continued, and my eyes widened. She couldn’t suspect anything already, could she?

“He’s my best friend,” I allowed, and finally Lindsay sighed.

“Cam are you a girl or are you two gay?” she blurted, and I felt the color leave my face before I was blushing like crazy.

“W-what do you…?”

“Come on, I see all the looks he gives you, and you two are always attached at the hip! Which is it Cam?” she asked, and I sighed as I slouched back in my seat. I really, really didn’t want to lie to them; I mean, having everyone assume I was a boy – helped along by my appearance and everything – was one thing, but to straight up force a lie past my teeth was more than I could handle. Especially when they were so nice to me ,and a part of Jordan’s family.

“I’m a girl,” I whispered, feeling so much better as they both squealed excitedly. Lindsay hugged her sister-in-law, before shooting me an excited grin.

“Thank GOD! That’s what I thought, but I wasn’t a hundred percent sure, so I wanted to ask,” Tanya said.

“You knew?” I asked, worried that my disguise wasn’t as good as I’d originally thought. I ran a hand through my overgrown hair, suspecting it was the culprit.

“Well, after hearing about the recipe thing and just the way Jordy talks about you… he doesn’t talk about you the way he talks about the guys. I was sure something was different. I worried that Jordan was gay for about two seconds until I tried to picture him that way, definitely not happening. I guess you never know, but Jordy likes women far too much,” she said, and I chuckled at the fact she’d came to much the same conclusion that Becka and I had about my boyfriend.

“Yeah, that’s true,” I said, making them both laugh.

“Why didn’t you tell us Cam?” Lindsay asked, and immediately the guilt welled up in my stomach again. I looked away from the two of them, staring out the window at the dimly lit underground parking, feeling embarrassed and ashamed of all but lying to them.

“I wanted to Lins, I hate keeping this from all of you, but I have to. If everybody finds out I’m a girl and I’m not a huge part of the team I can say goodbye to my dream,” I explained, and Lindsay reached from the front seat to give my hand a supportive squeeze.

“You’re too good for that Cam,”

“It’s not always a question of good or not though, sometimes it’s a question of who’s biased and who isn’t,” I sighed, and she nodded.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you two, you have no idea…”

“We do Cam, and it’s okay. This is your life, and this means the world to you, I get it. It’s kind of similar with us,” Tanya said, catching me completely off guard.

“Huh? How?”

“Not quite the same thing, obviously, but I mean, I gave up everything to marry Eric and move to Raleigh; all of my friends, being close to my family, all of it. I don’t regret it, and I’d do it all again, but I know what it’s like to love something or someone so much you’d give up everything for it,” Tanya explained, and I felt tears in my eyes.

“Same here; when we first moved to New York I hated it; I didn’t know anybody, I didn’t know how to get around or where to go or what to do, and Marc was gone on a lot of road trips. I asked myself why I’d put myself through it, but every time Marc called or texted or walked through the front door I knew. Now it’s obviously not like that; I made friends and learned my way around and everything, and if Marc got traded I’d do it all again. Pick up and leave everything I knew behind because I love him,” she said, and I sniffed, not sure of what to say right now. Whether they were born a Staal or not, every member of the Staal family was incredibly talented at making someone feel better, and like they were an important part of the family.

“It’s okay Cam, we’re here for you. We won’t tell anybody,” Lindsay comforted me, and I nodded.

“You guys are the best,”

“You’re welcome Cam. Now let’s go quickly find something and then we can go somewhere for dinner and keep talking,” Tanya decided, the three of us getting out of the car. It only took about thirty minutes for both of them to have picked out a new dress – we went to Le Chateau – and then we got back into the car, Tanya obviously knowing where she was going.

We ended up at a fairly large restaurant, and when we went inside Tanya had made reservations. Only a few people gave me a second look as we walked towards the back of the restaurant where I assumed our table was. A little girl who couldn’t have been older than six gasped, and waved energetically at me, nearly standing on her seat so I would see her.

“Hi,” I said, waving back. Her mom gave me an apologetic glance, and seemed to try and explain her daughter’s friendly behavior.

“I’m so sorry, she’s a big hockey fan – it was her and her dad’s thing,” she explained.

“Was?” I asked, feeling sympathetic to the little girl. I could only hope her father hadn’t passed away, it had been hard on me when I was old enough to understand, I couldn’t imagine the hurt and feeling of being abandoned a small child would have.

“Daddy’s at work,” she told me, and I looked to her mother for further explanation.

“He’s in the military,” she explained, and I nodded.

“Are you going to watch the game tonight?” I asked, and she nodded, standing up all the way on her seat. I couldn’t keep the grin off of my face as I took in her All-Star jersey.

“Who’s on your jersey?” I asked, and both Tanya and Lindsay giggled when they saw my name on it.

“How about I sign it for you?” I asked, and the little girl’s eyes widened.

“Please?” her mother pulled a sharpie marker from her purse and I signed the back of the jersey for her. She pulled at her mother’s sleeve, and from what I heard she wanted to ask for a picture.

“It’s fine; honest,” I assured her, and knelt down so I was the same height as the girl while her mom snapped two pictures.

“Thank you,” she said, flinging her arms around my neck and burying her face against me. I hugged her back tightly before pulling away.

“You’re welcome. I’ll see you at the game, eh?” I asked, and she nodded again, crawling back up into the booth.

“Wow, you are so good with kids,” Lindsay sighed as we finally reached our table and had ordered our food.

“I’ve always loved kids and being around them,” I shrugged, and Tanya chuckled.

“It’s obvious. Jordan just about lost it watching you with Parker,” she said, and I blushed a little.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I would’ve never pegged him to be like that, but then again he’s changed a lot since you’ve came into the picture,” she said. I munched away at my salad, feeling hungry and hoping that my chicken fettuccini alfredo came fairly soon.

“So I have to ask, what’s it like between you two?” Lindsay asked, leaning in so she could whisper and just us three would hear it. Tanya curiously leaned in too, and I looked back and forth between the two of them, not having a clue what they were talking about. I really needed to start spending more time with girls; I wasn’t even sure how other girls thought processes worked anymore. That in itself is a scary thought.

“What do you mean?” we paused our conversation as our food arrived, and each took a few bites before continuing.

“Like, what’s your relationship like?”

“Different. I mean, the only time we can be us is at my apartment or at his place when we’re by ourselves,” I sighed, and Tanya put a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

“That would be rough,”

“It is. But we make the best of it I guess; I mean, Jordan’s always really sweet and we go a little out of our way to find time together,” I shrugged, and they both nodded.

“It’ll all work out, I think you two are meant to work,” Lindsay decided for me, which made me smile.

“Thanks Linds, I really hope it does work. Jordan’s… he’s different from any other guy I’ve been with,” I said, and Tanya nodded encouragingly.

“So, don’t take this the wrong way, but… is it good?” she asked, and I raised an eyebrow. Lindsay giggled a little bit, and leaned in to hear what I had to say.

“Is what good?”

“You know, it,” Lindsay pushed and I nearly choked on my water.

“I wouldn’t know,” I answered when I managed a breath, and both girls looked at me like I was bluffing.

“Come on, you can tell us!”

“I’m serious, we haven’t… you know,” my face was bright red, and they both looked shocked. They both had a look of surprise on their face, and it was obvious they hadn’t expected this answer. The two girls were extremely close, and I had no doubt they’d talked about all parts of their relationships with Marc and Eric to each other or ‘compared notes’ or whatever you call it, and while I was touched they wanted to include me and make me part of ‘their’ part of the family, I was beyond embarrassed. Becka and I had never talked about stuff like that, to me it was all foreign territory, even if there had been something to talk about.

“And you’re seriously with Jordan, like, our brother-in-law Jordan? That Jordan?” I nodded again, and they both sat back in their chairs in shock.

“Wow, he really has turned over a whole new leaf for you,” Tanya allowed, and Lindsay nodded.

“I told you he was different; I could tell when you two came to New York on your birthday,” Lindsay informed her. Was it that shocking? I mean yeah Jordan had got around when he was single, that wasn’t exactly a secret, but was this really such a difference to how he usually was?

“Can we please change the subject?” I asked, knowing my face was fire-engine red, and they both nodded, beginning to talk about the game. I pushed the thoughts of our earlier conversation from my mind, because even though it hadn’t happened it didn’t mean I hadn’t thought of it. I just wasn’t ready for something like that, even though I know Jordan would never hurt me.

“Hello? Earth to Cam?” Lindsay waved her hand in front of my face, and I snapped out of my thoughts, which I’ll admit mostly featured Jordan shirtless.

“Sorry, zoned out there,” I apologized, to which they both nodded.