This Is Not the End

Elise’s POV

I put on the last bit of my eyeliner and set the pencil down. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Today was it. My mother’s funeral. I had done everything I possibly could to avoid thinking about it, and now it was here, and I couldn’t avoid it any longer. Max was waiting for me in the living room. I was still upset with him, but I needed him. He was there with me at my father’s funeral when I was ten. He had to carry me out of the church because I didn’t fully understand what was going on and had tried to climb into the casket with my father.

Max sat me down on the bottom step of the church. Tears were pouring from my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. He sat down beside me and put his arm around me.

“Maxwell, is Daddy really dead?” I asked him.

“I’m afraid so.” He said somberly. I let out a wail of despair and Max pulled me closer to him. He held me there for a while until the service ended. He held my hand as the pallbearers loaded my father into the hearse to be driven to his final resting place.

“Maxwell, can you stay with me?” I asked him. “I don’t want to go to the cemetery.” I added, wiping my eyes. Max squeezed my hand and nodded, pulling me towards the parking lot. He took me to get ice cream. We ate it in silence at the park. We sat and watched the ducks near the pond and watched children my age play with their moms and dads. It made me sad to watch them playing so happily, while I was feeling so sad. My daddy was gone and I would never see him again. Max helped me to understand and come to terms with that.

“Elise, it’s time to go.” I heard Max’s voice say through the door. I sighed and walked out of the bathroom. A dog started jumping at my heels.

“Get down, Chip.” I said, swatting at the little dog. Jacky had taken me to get a dog, as promised. He was a Chihuahua and Pug mix. Max didn’t approve of him at first, but then he saw that it made me happy, and didn’t argue.

I walked out of my room and joined Max in the living room. He was dressed in a black tuxedo and his hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail. He had taken his piercings out and was devoid of any makeup. He took my arm and led me out the door.

The drive to the church seemed to drudge on for an eternity. The silence between Max and I was deafening and more than awkward. Max took my arm once we had arrived at the church. I hadn’t been there in eight years, not since my Father’s service. I was reminded forcibly of that day eight years ago. I felt the tears already starting to form in my eyes as we walked up the steps into the church.

The room was almost the same as I had remembered it. The carpets were red, and the ceiling was high. The pews were made of oak and stretched along either side of the room. I thought of the things that may have happened in this room before today. Weddings, baptisms, more funerals, perhaps. This room was haunting me with the ghosts of both happiness and sadness. Many people have joined together, greeted new life, and have said goodbye to love ones all in this very room. And I had the misfortune of having to say goodbye to two of the people I most cared about. Both had been taken from me before their time. One had been taken in an accident, and the other in a fit of spiteful rage. And in both situations, I could have been the one to die. The accident could have killed me instantly, and instead, I walked away from it with a minor concussion. And I could have died the night my mother was killed, and yet once again, I was spared. The thought of it all made me feel as though my existence here was merely a joke, as though the hand of fate was simply playing with me.

Max and I took a seat in the front row, directly in front of my mother’s casket. More and more people filed in, and soon enough, the service began. My Aunt Maryanne gave a very moving eulogy, and by the end of it, I was fully in tears. Max put his arm around me again, just as he had when my dad died. My name was called and I stood shakily and walked to the podium with a knot tightening in my stomach. I tapped the microphone and cleared my throat.

“I don’t know what to say about my mother. Her actions seemed to speak loudly enough. My mother was not the type of woman to cry at funerals, she proved that when my father passed away. I remember her being strong, and pulling me through it. And now she’s gone. She was taken from us too early. She was murdered by someone I brought into our lives, and I can’t begin to forgive myself for that.” I said. My voice started cracking. “I want you all to take a moment to think about the things about my mother you loved and will miss the most. I’m going to miss the Saturdays we spent together on manicures and Johnny Depp movies. I’m going to miss the smell of her hair and her perfume. And most of all, I’m going to miss her laugh. I want you all who have joined us here today, to not mourn my mother’s death. I want you all to celebrate her life, because that is what she would have wanted. She always told me not to mourn my father’s passing, and told me that he will always live on in my heart, so long as I never forgot him. And that is what I want all of you to do.” I felt more hot tears trickle down my face. “Here’s to you mom. I will miss you, and I will never forget you for as long as I live.”

I stepped down from the podium and returned to my seat. Max rubbed my arm as I sat down and handed me a tissue. I dried my eyes with it. The song “Crash and Burn” by Savage Garden started playing as everyone in the room stood up and formed a line in front of the casket. Max stood before I did, and waited. Slowly, I rose from my seat and joined the queue of people in the center of the room. Max took my hand and squeezed. I turned my head and looked at him. Suddenly, I was taken back to that day all those years ago, standing in this very room. The images flashed before my eyes and were gone in an instant.

Max’s hair was shorter and was light brown. He was wearing a white button down with a black tie and jeans. I was wearing a black dress that went down to my knees. We were standing in the back of the line of people who had come to say goodbye to my father. Max was holding my hand as I shook.

“Maxwell, I don’t want to go up there.” I whispered.

“It’s okay. I’ll be with you the whole time. Nothing’s going to happen to you.” He told me.

As we got closer to the front, an empty feeling washed over me. This was it. This would be the last time I ever saw my mother. I didn’t know what to think about that. It was too overwhelming. Finally, we reached the casket.

My mother had a look of peace on her face, as she laid there, completely unaware of the roomful of people who had come to pay their respects. Her hair framed her face and her hands were placed over her chest. The locket I had given her rested around her throat. I stifled a sob with my hand and closed my eyes. Max pulled me closer to him and squeezed me tightly. I put my hand on her the edge of the casket.

“I’m sorry, Momma. I’m so sorry… so sorry…” I sobbed. Max pulled me away from the casket and walked me back down the aisle. The tears that were pouring from my eyes were unstoppable. I did nothing to control them. I looked at Max, who also had tears in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault she’s dead, Elise. You need to stop telling yourself that it is.” Max told me. “You Mother wouldn’t have wanted you to do that.” He was right. My mother wouldn’t let me blame myself for my father’s death, and I knew that hers would have been no different. But it was difficult not to feel a sense of self blame.

After the funeral was over, Max drove me back to my apartment.

“Do you want me to stay?” He asked.

“Not this time, Max. I think I need to be alone.” I said.

“Okay. Just call me if there is anything you need.” Max said, pulling me into a hug. I hugged him back tightly. I went inside and picked up my dog. I collapsed on the couch and cried. I lit a cigarette and clung to Chip as I smoked it. My phone rang.

“Hello?” I answered, wiping my eyes.

“Hey how was the funeral?” It was Jacky.

“Dreadful,” I replied. “But, I guess I’m going to live.” I added.

“Sounds like you need a drink, love.” Jacky said.

“Yeah, I guess I do.” I said.

“Want me to come pick you up? I know a place that will let you drink.” he asked.

“Sure,” I said as I snuffed out my cigarette. “Let me just get change.”

“Alright, I’ll pick you up shortly” Jacky said before hanging up. I got up and went to my room. I changed out of my long black dress and put on a pair of jeans and a black and red shirt. I slipped on a pair of black heels and fixed my hair and makeup.

Jacky took me to a place that I had passed several times, but never went in. It was a moderately sized bar that was decorated in rock and roll memorabilia. The place was packed and the air was smoky. There was a band playing in the corner.

Jacky took me to a table and left for the bar. I sat there, with a cigarette in my hand, taking in my surroundings.

“Hi there!” a voice said. I turned and saw a girl, in her early twenties with blue hair and brown eyes standing beside me. “I’m Ava.”

“Elise,” I said. “How are you?”

“I’m good, how about?” she said. “You look sad.” She added, taking an empty seat beside me.

“I just got back from a funeral.” I said. “It was my mother’s.”

Before Ava could reply, Jacky had returned with our drinks. I took mine and took a hearty swig.

“That’s awful. I’m sorry that happened to you.” Ava said.

“Me too. This is Jacky.” I said.

“Hello Jacky,” she said, waving. Jacky smiled and waved, but remained quiet.

Ava and I talked throughout most of the evening. She was a really great person, and we had a lot in common. Jacky kept bringing me drinks, and I was feeling buzzed.

“I think I should be getting home, Jacky.” I slurred. Ava helped me up, and assisted Jacky in getting me to the car. She gave me her number and went back inside. Jacky drove me home, and carried me to my room. He took off my shoes and laid me down in my bed. After tucking me in, he turned off the light.

“Wait, Jacky,” I said as he started to walk away. He turned around. “Can you stay with me again tonight?” I asked.

“Of course I will.” Jacky said. I felt him climbing into my bed beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.