This Is Not the End

Elise’s POV

I woke up late in the night, the faint sound of Lyric’s muffled crying audible from the baby monitor. I sat up in bed, careful not to wake Ronnie, who was sleeping soundly. I padded lightly across the room and slipped out the door. I walked into Jacky’s old room, which was now the nursery. I went to Lyric’s bassinet and picked the fidgety baby up in my arms and carried her out into the living room. I shifted her to my hip as I walked into the kitchen to retrieve a bottle out of the refrigerator. I went back into the living room and sat down on the armchair. I propped Lyric up in my arms and started feeding her.

The TV was on and the volume was turned down so that I could barely hear it. I started rocking back and forth in the chair, humming lightly. Lyric stared up at me as she ate. She was six months old and looked more and more like Riley each day. And that was fortunate in the sense that it help feed the façade that Ronnie was putting on. He told everyone that she was his daughter. He even signed his name to her birth certificate. She did inherit my eyes and nose, however. She had Riley’s hair color and mouth shape.

After my birthday, I had moved into Ronnie’s house, because the lease on my apartment was up. And I didn’t want to reinstate it. Too many harsh memories were hidden inside those walls. The only man I had truly loved walked out of my life in that place. And it was my fault. I chased Jacky away. I shoved him out of my life. I was just so afraid that he wouldn’t love me the same way after the pregnancy and what had happened with Riley. I just wanted him to love me for the way I was, and I wished I could go back and change the things I had done, and erase the things I said. I hadn’t heard from him since the day Lyric was born. Ronnie had spoken to him briefly the day after and told me that Jacky was staying in London for a while, thus putting the band on hiatus, because they refused to replace Jacky. They already had to replace Mika with another man named Ronnie Ficarro, who had played in I Am Ghost with Ryan.

Every time I heard my cell phone ring, my heart would leap up into my throat. I always kept a small glimmer of hope that it would be him calling. I wanted him to talk to me. I want to apologize to him. Even if we could never be together, I wanted him to know that I did love him and that I didn’t mean to treat him the way I did. He was the one person who helped me rebuild my life after what Rodney and Riley did to me. He never made me regret pounding on his door a year ago. I had come such a long way since that night. He was the one I wanted. The only one I needed. I missed everything about him. I missed his laugh. I missed his voice. I missed the way he held me close at night. I missed the feeling of his calloused hands on my face.

I hated that the last memory I had of him was him telling me to fuck off. Those words burned into my memory and literally haunted me at night. After he had left, I started having nightmares of the night we met. I dreamt that he simply stood up and walked away from me as I’d bleed out on the floor, saying “Fuck you,” as he did. I would wake up in a sweaty panic each time the dream occurred, which was the reason Ronnie had insisted that I sleep in his room with him.

He and Ava had broken up a few months after Lyric was born. Ava didn’t like that Ronnie was spending more time with me than her. After the breakup, she had moved to Florida, which to me was odd. Riley had been sentenced to five years in prison and was transferred to Florida. But then again, Ava did have family there. I missed her. She was probably the only female friends I had ever had in my life. Though she wasn’t much of a friend, she was still all I had. She would call from time to time, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her pretty face and blue hair on a daily basis.

A noise coming from the hall prompted me to look up. I saw Ronnie standing at the mouth of the hallway rubbing his eyes. He looked at me.

“Why didn’t you wake me? I would have fed the baby. You need to sleep.” He said, walking over to me. He touched Lyric’s nose and laughed lightly when she scrunched up her face.

“It’s fine. I wanted to get up.” I said. I removed the bottle from her mouth and sat her up to burp. Ronnie took her out of my arms and went to the couch and started burping her himself.

“No, take Chip and go back to bed,” he said, indicating at the little dog that was asleep by the couch.

“You never let Chip sleep in the bed.” I replied.

“Well, tonight I’m making an acceptation. You need to sleep Elise.” He said. “Oh there she goes,” he added as Lyric burped into the spit rag. I walked over to the couch and picked Chip up. Then I leaned down and kissed Ronnie on the cheek. He smiled and pecked me on the lips. I walked back into the room and crashed down on the bed. Chip plopped himself in front of me and closed his eyes.

I didn’t understand mine and Ronnie’s relationship lately. He acted like he was my boyfriend, and sometimes even husband. It was nice at times, other times, it was confusing. And in a way, it felt like I was cheating on Jacky. It never felt like it was over with me and Jacky. I sat up and grabbed my cellphone. My heart pounded as I searched through my contacts to his name. I pressed the call button and waited.

“Hello?” he answered. My heart almost stopped. I gasped.

“J-Jacky?” I said.

I heard him sigh. “What do you want, Elise?” he said.

“I want to talk to you.” I replied, my heart still pounding a mile a minute inside my chest.

“Why? The point of talking has passed.” Jacky said.

“Don’t say that… please don’t say that… Jacky, I miss you and I made a mistake.” I said as tears began to stream down my face.

“It’s too late, love.” he said.

“Please don’t say that… it can’t be over…” I sobbed.

“It is. I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go.” Jacky said.

“Jacky no! Please, I love you.” I pleaded.

“I have to go.” he said and abruptly hung up. I threw the phone down and threw myself backwards against the bed. The tears flooded out of my eyes and my body shook. Everything around me seemed silent and my body felt numb. I couldn’t think about anything other than what Jacky said. He didn’t want me anymore. The hope I held onto, was gone entirely. He sounded short of emotion, and very detached.

Ronnie slid into bed next to me and pulled me into his arms, just as he always did before he went to sleep.

“What’s wrong, sweetie? Why are you crying?” Ronnie asked.

“I called Jacky.” I sobbed.

Ronnie pulled me closer to him. “I didn’t want to tell you.” He said.

I sniffed. “Tell me what?” I asked.

“Jacky has a girlfriend. And he’s waiting until she can get a passport before they come back to the states.” Ronnie replied.

“Oh…” I said, feeling my heart break even more.

“Sweetie, forget him. There are other people who love you and care about you.” He said.

“I know Ronnie. But it’s just so hard… I loved him.” I sighed. Ronnie sat up, bringing me up with him. He turned my head to face him and kissed me fully on the lips. He pulled back.

“I’m here for you.” He said. I wrapped my arms around him and he pulled me close. Maybe I should just forget about Jacky all together. Maybe I could be happy with Ronnie.