Warning

I was screwed.

I mean really, really, royally screwed. In a recap of my life in the past half hour, I had managed to kiss Sidney, push Mark into a wall, tell Sidney I loved him, and that’s right. Managed to do that in front of my boyfriend. Who was also my boss.

And my teacher. And my teachers teacher.

Neal didn’t say anything, just walked into the room where Sidney and I shortly followed. This is why you don’t date the attendings. Especially when you’re still in love with your ex-boyfriend, apparently. God, I was a train wreak.

“This is Dr. Hansan.” I said to the trainers and the physician, who all stared up at us. Sidney went over to stand by them and I tried to give Neal the chart but he wouldn’t take it.

“That won’t be necessary, Dr. Anderson.” He said to me with a light smile and I noticed that his initial hardened face had disintegrated and he seemed back to his usual disposition. I didn’t question it.

“Mr. Crosby, as I’ve mentioned previously, you’re surgically cleared for now and there’s no option for anything surgical at all to alleviate the concussion or concussion symptoms. But I want to keep an eye on you still because when a concussion is exacerbated, it can lead to other neurological problems quickly.” Hansan said, turning to me. “Dr. Anderson will be your primary physician and handle the case from now on. She’s incredibly capable, one of our best residents. Does anyone have any questions before we go?”

They shook their heads and Neal flashed them one of his perfect smiles, his blue eyes crinkling. It was really unfair how attractive he was.

“Alright well, we’ll see you in two weeks. Dr. Anderson.” He said and filed out of the room. I felt Sidney’s eyes on me as we left, but I said nothing and Neal didn’t say anything either. As we turned into the staircase and the door shut behind us, I stopped. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t—“ I began but he turned around and shook his head, climbing up the stairs to get closer to me. He was smiling and it caused my face to shift, brightening up slightly.

“I don’t know what happened between you and Sidney in that elevator. And I don’t want to know. We never said what we were and we never said we were exclusive. “ he said with a shrug.

“Yeah, but—“ I started but he interrupted me again .

“I didn’t say I wasn’t pissed off. But just for the record, I know you think you’re broken and dark or whatever and it makes you think that you don’t deserve anything good. But you do, Violet. And Sidney? He’s bad for you. But I’m a good thing. So if there’s a contest, a race—if theres a ring—my hat is in.”

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I just watched him turn and walk down the rest of the stairs.

---

Twelve hours later and one appendectomy and bowel repair later, I was back in my apartment watching the sun rise over the Pittsburgh skyline. In a matter of speaking, I was back exactly where I had been over a year ago. I was stuck in the same place. Maybe there was something wrong with me, maybe I was incapable of change. Lucy had moved here with me and now she was married and possibly pregnant and she had a dog and a house and this wonderful life that seemed so stable—it seemed perfect.

I curled into the chair and tucked my legs in, my hands wrapped around a warm mug of coffee. The sunshine poured through the large glass doors, engulfing my living room in an orange glow. I was happy here, in this millisecond of peace and comfort. With my hair falling over my shoulders, my long-sleeve grey Stanford t-shirt and pajama pants, I was in a sort of paradise.

A knock rattled me from my serenity and I grabbed my coffee and wandered to the door, pulling it open to find him standing there in jeans and a t-shirt and that stupid grey baseball cap that I loved so much. Whatever happened in the past, whatever residual bitterness I felt from that kiss had seemingly evaporated from my mind. I was just happy to see him there outside my door in all that soft yellow light.

“Hey.” I said, smiling at him as he looked back at me.

“Hey.” He replied and smiled back, his eyes focused on me with that look that made me forget how to breathe. I felt my heart jump as I stood there with a hand on the door, waiting God only knows what. I didn’t care why he was here, I was just glad that he was.

He just looked at me for a moment, smiling again as neither of us said anything. “So--” I finally said, my expression becoming more serious. “--what does this mean?” I asked, finally able to think clearly about whatever had transpired in that elevator.

“It means that you have a choice.” He answered back, his voice level and calm “And I don’t want to rush you into anything—“ he paused for a moment, his gaze steady. “I came over here because—what I wanted to say was—“ he paused again, shaking his head like he was searching for words, as if he had forgotten everything that he had prepared and planned to say to me on the drive over or hadn’t had anything planned at all. “I’m in love with you. “ His face broke into a smile now. “I’ve been in love with you forever. “ his smile faded.

“I know I’m late. I know I’m a little late in telling you that.” I felt the water in my eyes swell, my breathing beginning to get heavy. “But I don’t want to rush you. Because you have a choice to make.” He continued, not looking away, not backing down from everything he was saying. “And when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong.” Sidney exhaled and gave me a final smile. “So take your time.”

“Goodbye, Violet.” He said and turned around, walking down the stairs and leaving me in my doorframe unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to think.