Warning

“Vi—“ was all he said when he pulled open the door, probably wondering what I was doing on his doorstep at nine at night in the cold like a crazy person. Maybe I was crazy, I don’t know. I gave up an amazing surgery with a brilliant surgeon to stand here like an idiot, I was in the process of giving up a great guy—but what I did know was that I had a rush of clarity. Figuring this out, figuring out that all the heartbreak in the world couldn’t make me fall out of love with Sidney, it felt remarkably uncomplicated and exhilarating. It was like taking a deep breath on a snowy night—my mind felt clear.

“Come inside, it’s freezing.” He said and ushered me inside the foyer. Everything felt familiar, not a single detail of his house changed since the last time I had been here. I felt a sudden surge of emotion and I could feel my eyes growing wet; I brushed them quickly with my cold hand, turning my body away from him as I took off my scarf. My eye caught sight of a nondescript picture propped up on a silver frame on a small mahogany table near the door. My head was on his chest, his arm around my shoulders pulling me in. Jordan’s arm was strung across my shoulders too, his other arm slinking across Kris’ back. In the center were Marc and Lucy, Lucy in her wedding gown and Marc in a tuxedo, and across Marc’s back lay Max’s arm. Lucy was laughing and Max leaned in by Marc, grinning wildly. We all looked so happy, so perfectly content in that magical bubble of time where there were no cloudy thoughts. I smiled softly before following Sid into the kitchen, grabbing a seat at the bar.

“Do want some tea?” he asked and as I was about to decline, I realized that I had absolutely no idea what to say to him. The whole drive was nothing more than adrenaline and heartbeats—I was certainly not in the state of mind to think of anything to say. The only thing on my lips was I love you, but I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say it because I’ve always loved him—that’s never changed. What I felt now, this attachment and heartbreakingly painful need to be his was something different. It was difficult to describe and agonizing. So I nodded, accepting his offer. With a push of a button, the electric kettle was on. He looked at me for a moment and I felt my face flush.

“So.” He said and I gave a slight nod of acknowledgement.

“I’m sorry I missed our appointment.” I started and he smiled, but it was fleeting. “I was on call but I fell asleep.” I explained.

“It’s fine, Dr. Lauder said you were in surgery though.” He said with another quick smile. The room quieted and all that could be heard was the water boiling in the kettle.

“Look, Sidney I—I can’t do this anymore.” I said suddenly, my voice breaking and my eyes brimming with tears. “I can’t keep pretending that I can somehow be okay without you, that I can be with anyone else. Because I’m not okay without you and I can’t be with anybody else.”

“Violet—“ he began, but I stopped him.

“No, wait. See, I was fully intent on doing this dating thing. Of considering my options or whatever stupid line I fed you but then I—I had this realization that I will never fall out of love with you. You could run me over with a truck, tell me you hate me—it won’t matter. And today, when my hand was on the bomb and—“

“You had your hand on a bomb?” he interrupted, his voice raised in alarm but I shook my head.

“No, not literally. I had this dream, like in Grey’s Anatomy where Meredith—it doesn’t matter. Look, what I’m trying to say is that I love you and I—“ I felt my voice break again and I paused, brushing my hand against my wet cheek quickly. “I can’t be apart from you, I can’t continue to play these games.” I cried and he watched me with that gentle, fixated look. His soft brown eyes looked regretful, pained.

“Violet.” He came closer to me and I felt my heart beat wildly. “I love you and I know that I will never love anybody like I love you. But all those things you said to me before? You were right. “ he said softly and I knit my brows together, frowning. “I’ve hurt you again and again and I’m probably going to do it again. I—we can’t keep doing this.”

I didn’t say anything, I just stared back at him silently—unsure how to react. He grabbed a barstool and pulled it up in front of me, sitting down.

“Do you remember what you told me in the hallway after you kissed me in the elevator?” he asked, looking at me. I frowned; of course I did. “You said Yeah, that guy. Because he doesn’t cut you out of his life at a moments notice, because he didn’t break your, and he didn’t have a secret fiancée.” He paused and looked down briefly. “and then you said that it killed you to love me, to not be in this relationship. But it would kill you more if I hurt you one more time.” He said, looking back up at me. I felt my heart sink as his eyes locked onto mine.

“I can’t do that, Violet. I won’t be the guy that does that to you again, it’s not fair. You should be with the guy that won’t hurt you, and you know better than I do that that isn’t me.”

“Sidney—“ I shook my head, not even sure what to say. “—what about everything you told me at my door, does it not mean anything now?”

“I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you, Violet. Everything I said that morning was true, you have a choice. But I’m taking myself out. I’m not him. He’s a great guy, he’s a surgeon, and he’s going to make you happy. He won’t complicate your life. He’s a better guy. I’m walking away.” He said and I stood up. It felt involuntary, wrong. I wanted to stay here, to stay with him but I couldn’t. My legs felt weak as I rose, heading to the door quickly before I broke down even further. I grabbed my coat and pulled open the door, standing there for a second. He was behind me, I felt him follow me when I left the kitchen. I turned around and looked at him before taking hold of him for one last kiss. He took my face in his hands, returning the sentiment—but it was too fleeting. Before I knew it, I was back in my car alone, starting the ignition with shaky hands.

I wasn’t going home, I couldn’t be in that empty apartment all alone. So I drove to the one place that I could think of, the only place I wanted to be now. All these emotions were bottled in and there was a sense of denial over what happened that I couldn’t shake. I couldn’t accept it, it couldn’t be my reality.

I got out of my car and walked to the door of the familiar house, giving it a gentle knock. I stood there, with glassy red eyes and wet cheeks, trying to wrap my mind over the last hour.

When the door finally opened, it wasn’t Lucy that appeared, but Marc. And as soon as I saw his face, it all came surging back—everything about him just reminding me of Sidney. In one immediate, quick and sure motion, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in a hug as I completely broke down. Lucy appeared a few minutes later, and I could feel her taking my hand and leading me into the house.

“It’s okay, Violet.” Marc said as I walked in, brushing my eyes off. It wasn’t. Nothing was okay.