Warning

I crept into the house quietly, setting my keys down gently on the table as I walked in through the hall. I knew he’d be home and I knew he had a late night. Practices and warmups, the game, the press conferences and HBO interviews and then the flight back. I didn’t want to wake him up, everything would just have to wait.

I wandered silently into the kitchen and saw him sitting at the bar, hands clasped around a cup of coffee as he stared ahead blankly. He turned to look at me and I stood there like a deer in the headlights, feeling my knees go weak as he stared at me.

“Hey.” I managed, placing my coat on the counter. He didn’t move an inch and I felt the tension increase. I fought off the urge to cry poorly, feeling my eyes grow red and heavy and my throat tighten. He didn’t respond right away and I carefully poured myself a cup of coffee, my motions slow and deliberate.

“Violet.” Hearing him say my name made me tense up and I looked up, forcefully dictating my eyes to dry up but they still stung. I set my cup down and turned to look at him with a forced smile.

“How was the roadtrip?” I managed but he didn’t answer and I saw his stare grow softer and his look change from something hardened and practiced to a gentler look of concern. It reminded me of the way he used to look at me. It wasn’t comforting now, it only made it harder to breathe.

“Vi, we have to talk.” His words were too gentle and I could see him struggling to keep up his cold façade. I nodded slowly, standing in the same spot from across the kitchen. I couldn’t move even if I tried, so I just stood there with my hand around a mug, trying desperately not to let it slip and break. Trying to keep something whole.

“I think we need a break. I think we need time apart.” He said, his words slow and deliberate. He stared at me and I couldn’t take my eyes off of his, feeling the sting of the shot. I waited to respond when the shock drained away, leaving nothing but mixed emotions.

“Time apart.” I repeated, staring at my coffee for a moment. “All we have is time apart, Sidney. I’m working eighty hour weeks and you’re gone.” I said finally, looking back up at him. He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head.

“I know and I’m not—I don’t know how to do this. I’m tired and I know you’re tired. We can’t keep going on like this.” He answered back calmly and I nodded.

“I don’t get it. Did I do something wrong, did something go wrong?” I found myself asking and he looked down at me.

“Don’t do this.” He said, his gaze going soft again. I sighed, unsure if I was ready to argue this. I wasn’t. I couldn’t. What’s done was done and I was standing here with the air knocked out of me.

“Okay.” I replied meekly, too exhausted to engage in combat.

“Damnit Violet. ‘okay’? You’re not going to even try to fight for this?” he said suddenly, his voice rising and his stare going completely cold again. It surprised me and I took a step back in shock. My face hardened and I set my cup of coffee down on the counter, staring back up at him with my red, watery eyes. I didn’t care anymore.

“No.” I said, raising my own voice, taking a step closer to him. “I’m tired of fighting, Sidney. I’m tired of fighting for something you clearly have no interest in, I’m tired of fighting for us, I’m tired of fighting for you. Because every time I fight, you end up hurting me more than anything else. I come out of every battle scarred and bruised and I’m left to heal myself.” There is a sharp edge to my tone and I found myself unsure of whether or not I was about to scream or cry. “I’m left to repair what you broke. “

He just watched me for awhile in silence and I wasn’t sure if he was angry or sad, I didn’t even hope for a certain emotion.

“You think I have no interest in this? You think I have no stake?” he asked bitterly, getting up. “I get that you’re broken. I get that I broke you and I’m sorry for having a part in that. But you? You say you fight but you run away from me every chance you get. You want to know why I’m so tired, Violet? I’m tired of trying to constantly fix you and being shut out. I’m tired of trying to save you and you not letting me. You just keep damaging yourself, Vi and I can’t do anything about it.”

“I’m not damaged and I don’t need you to protect me.” I say steadily and he shakes his head.

“You don’t think I notice how you can’t bring yourself to sleep here? How you’ve been spending more time at the hospital or in your apartment? You don’t think I can’t hear you crying in the bathroom when you come home after your surgeries when you lose someone? You don’t think I see you shutting me out every chance you get, refusing to take a step further with me? Do you have any clue how exhausting it is to love you?”

I blink, swallowing and feeling my throat tighten. “So this is my fault.” I say and he comes over to me, wrapping me in his arms and I know it’s the last time. I press my head against his chest, hearing his heartbeat in my ears.

“No. I had a hand in doing this to you, it’s my fault. But I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life trying to repair something you’re not ready to heal and I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to protect you from yourself. I love you and I don’t think that I can leave you, but you’re constantly leaving me. ” He said softly, pulling away and leaving me there.

And just like that, he was gone again. But this time it was for good.