Status: OneShot
Her Life.
Hold On...
No one understands her. No one gets her. Why must she be like this? She asks herself that very question every minute of every hour.
She doesn’t love herself. She doesn’t see herself as beautiful or even the generic pretty. Every once in a while when the lighting is just right and the position of her face is just so, she can understand what beauty is. But those moments are rare that they are practically nonexistent.
What people don’t understand, though, is that she will be and think like this for the rest of her life. It's in Axis 2, no way was she going to counsel this out or medicate it out. She has tried the positive reinforcement; looking in the mirror every day to try and pronounce something wonderful that God has created and put on this earth for a reason she doesn't even know but…she can’t see it.
When her friends are with their other friends; she feels like she must have done something wrong for them not to invite her. No one understands what a simple invite means to her, how it could produce so much happiness. She feels like she isn’t wanted by her friends. She feels like she isn't worth hanging around them. But when they forget her, or at least that what it feels like to her, she feels so sad that she can’t even muster up the tears to drain that sorrow away.
“What did I do? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I make them angry with me? No wonder no one likes me. Look at me. Bags of unwanted skin hanging, a chin that is on its way to being tripled, thighs that looks like elephantitis. How can anyone, man or woman, love something this...ugly?”
She’s not worth it.
Her thoughts go into a scramble, like different fruit being dumped into a blender, making everything to mush. She can’t sort them out. She remembers everything. She can’t get the thoughts out of her head. She over thinks everything. She re thinks everything. Everything that has happened. Everything that hasn’t happened.
"You're being so dramatic. You are beautiful. You just have to flirt and put yourself out there, walk with confidence."
She’s not confident. She doesn’t love herself. She fears she will live life alone.
She can’t help but to be clingy and want her friends all to herself. She doesn’t get why people can’t just understand what she goes through.
She doesn’t know if she should forgive. But she knows, oh she knows, she will never forget. Every time she closes her eyes, every time she thinks it’s always there, gnawing its way through her mind, eating everything until it is just there. Everyday, its there, bombarding every thought. Her father. Her sister. Why did she have to go through it.
The beatings, name calling, of course, she isn't worth it.
Then she wonders what life would have been like if she told. Would she be like the way she is? Never forgetting, always thinking, looking at scissors with lust. Would she look like she does? Fat, unattractive, ugly. Would she always feel like she is drowning in sorrow? Would constant thoughts of slicing every inch of her skin go away? Would she have to rely on pill, pot, and alcohol to make her feel better, even just for that sliver of time? She wishes she knew.
And that will be her life, just wondering and thinking how life could have been…
She doesn’t love herself. She doesn’t see herself as beautiful or even the generic pretty. Every once in a while when the lighting is just right and the position of her face is just so, she can understand what beauty is. But those moments are rare that they are practically nonexistent.
What people don’t understand, though, is that she will be and think like this for the rest of her life. It's in Axis 2, no way was she going to counsel this out or medicate it out. She has tried the positive reinforcement; looking in the mirror every day to try and pronounce something wonderful that God has created and put on this earth for a reason she doesn't even know but…she can’t see it.
When her friends are with their other friends; she feels like she must have done something wrong for them not to invite her. No one understands what a simple invite means to her, how it could produce so much happiness. She feels like she isn’t wanted by her friends. She feels like she isn't worth hanging around them. But when they forget her, or at least that what it feels like to her, she feels so sad that she can’t even muster up the tears to drain that sorrow away.
“What did I do? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I make them angry with me? No wonder no one likes me. Look at me. Bags of unwanted skin hanging, a chin that is on its way to being tripled, thighs that looks like elephantitis. How can anyone, man or woman, love something this...ugly?”
She’s not worth it.
Her thoughts go into a scramble, like different fruit being dumped into a blender, making everything to mush. She can’t sort them out. She remembers everything. She can’t get the thoughts out of her head. She over thinks everything. She re thinks everything. Everything that has happened. Everything that hasn’t happened.
"You're being so dramatic. You are beautiful. You just have to flirt and put yourself out there, walk with confidence."
She’s not confident. She doesn’t love herself. She fears she will live life alone.
She can’t help but to be clingy and want her friends all to herself. She doesn’t get why people can’t just understand what she goes through.
She doesn’t know if she should forgive. But she knows, oh she knows, she will never forget. Every time she closes her eyes, every time she thinks it’s always there, gnawing its way through her mind, eating everything until it is just there. Everyday, its there, bombarding every thought. Her father. Her sister. Why did she have to go through it.
The beatings, name calling, of course, she isn't worth it.
Then she wonders what life would have been like if she told. Would she be like the way she is? Never forgetting, always thinking, looking at scissors with lust. Would she look like she does? Fat, unattractive, ugly. Would she always feel like she is drowning in sorrow? Would constant thoughts of slicing every inch of her skin go away? Would she have to rely on pill, pot, and alcohol to make her feel better, even just for that sliver of time? She wishes she knew.
And that will be her life, just wondering and thinking how life could have been…